Entrustment to Mary = Celebrating My Children's Misbehavior

I remember when my oldest son was two years old.  I was trying to watch him at Mass by myself, and he was all over the place….toddling, touching, talking and curious about absolutely everything.  I remember being envious of those parents whose children were of an age to be able to control themselves and sit quietly during the liturgy. 

Being the control freak that I am, I was restless and frustrated and beside myself trying to get him to “behave”.  I was so upset and it must have showed, because a gentleman approached me after Mass.  “Your son is fine.  He is a child.  He is not a bother like you think he is.”  Doubtful, I looked at him and he reassured me.  “If others are disturbed by him, they are not focusing on what is most important.  Here at Mass, their focus should be on the Eucharist.  If their hearts are in the right place, nothing should distract them from what is taking place on the altar, from their prayer.  And, even if they are distracted, that is their issue with God.  It is not of your concern, nor is it your responsibility.” 

You would think, eight years and 4 more children later, I would have let that sink in by now.  I remember his words so often, and yet – I so often worry about how others view me as a mother. I am irritated and feel entitled to my time at Mass.  I worry about dirty looks and our family being a distraction. I worry that my children are lacking in faith when they are not fully attentive during the homily or during the consecration.  It only goes to show how very inattentive I am for paying more attention to my children's behavior than the homily, or readings, or Eucharist myself! 

I know in my mind that the Holy Mass is a joyful, celebratory time!  A prayerful and community-oriented time!  A slice of heaven here on earth, graces abounding, glorious praise with the angels and saints and entire Body of Christ!  I want my children to feel welcomed and most at home around the Holy Table.  But I am Control Freak.  And I struggle with my own perfection and thus the perfection of my loved ones.   

I often feel so frustrated during the Holy Mass because of so many distractions by my children:  the squirming; the whispering; the bickering over seating arrangements; being poked; being asked for a tissue, or a snack, or a hug; the tantrum of my three year old; the fussiness of the baby.  I used to think, “If only I went to Mass by myself…then I could pray, then I could be at peace.”  Not too long ago, God heard and answered that prayer.  I did go to Mass by myself and you know what?  I couldn’t keep my eyes open!  I was distracted all by myself.  I didn’t need my children to distract me.  The truth is, if it were not my children, then someone or something else will distract me. At least with the children I can focus on returning to a state of attentiveness, desiring to hear the words and being filled with God’s grace.  So praise God for these misbehaviors! They make me hungry for Him and encourage me to call upon the Blessed Mother.  “Blessed Mother, please love these children through me, so they recognize You.  Please be gentle with them through me, because on my own, I want to punish them for disrupting me.”  As I go up to communion I pray:  “Blessed Mother, please desire the Holy Eucharist for me. [1] Await with me.  Receive and be received with me. [2] Please catch all the graces that I waste and put them to good use.  Please be the reverence for me that Your Son truly deserves.” 

I must say I received somewhat of a wakeup call on a retreat some years ago.  The priest was giving a conference on parenting.  And he was discussing the idea of mercy.  Our God is merciful.  He is awaiting for me to be open to it, so He can unleash His flowing fountain of mercy upon me.  I will see one day the extent of how I wound Him, and yet He sent His Son to be my Redeemer.  I cannot earn heaven.  Will I trust in His mercy?  This priest said it should not be my goal to have perfectly behaved children.  It was better for my children to misbehave and yet learn to trust in my merciful love for them so that they could practice being open to God’s mercy.  He said it was a great danger for children to feel loved only when they behaved, when they were “perfect”.  Otherwise, at the moment of their death, they could very well reject the mercy of God, convinced that they did not earn salvation.  Yikes!  Instead, I should only (1) love them, (2) teach them, and (3) forgive them.  What a gift to hear these words….priceless teaching for the souls of myself and my loved ones!

So here’s to being imperfect – may I grow more in trust of my Heavenly Father’s loving mercy – right here, right now. 

Happy Father’s Day, Abba, Father!

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[1] “When you strive to lessen the Self-humiliation of Christ by asking Mary to receive Him for you and through you, then you give praise to the kenosis of the True God and True Man.  You link the attitude of humility, an attitude of acknowledgement that you are a sinner, with faith in His incredible love for you. (Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. [Fort Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012], 212.)

[2]  “John Paul II said that in Holy Communion you do not receive Him as much as He receives you;  He accepts you as you are.  He receives you, which means He accepts and loves you.” (Ibid. 205.)

Entrustment to Mary = Giving Up The Steering Wheel

I never really realized that I was a control freak until recently.  I was raised in a Catholic home, went to Catholic schools.  I went to Mass and followed Catholic teachings without any doubts.  I now see that I had participated in the Sacraments out of a sense of duty and responsibility.  Growing up, I always felt the need to be “good”, to avoid getting into trouble.  I felt I was loved when I was perfect.  I struggled (and still do) with “guilt” and “earning” God’s and my parents’ love.  On the outside it may have appeared that I was “good”, that I loved God.  But I was serving Him out of responsibility, not out of a response to His Love for me.

I had my own ideas of how I was going to “control”/plan my life….get married, work for two years to get my CPA license, and then get pregnant, quit my job and be a stay at home mom. 

Gradually, God wanted to let me know our relationship could be so much more than what I had limited it to in my mind. 

Early on, I knew that I wanted to be a mother someday.  Before we were married, my husband and I had talked about wanting to raise a family.  We didn’t talk about when exactly, but we were excited to have children of our own.

I think at that point God had to “lovingly” (even though it did not seem that way at the time) show me that only His will would be bring me joy, and that only if I trusted in HIS timing and planning would I really grow in my faith.

We did conceive around the timeframe I planned, but later miscarried. And we continued to miscarry. 

I was depressed and challenged to truly trust God and His plan for us.  At that point in my life, I understood what “begging” meant.  I was faced with the reality that I was not in control.  I learned that I had trust issues.  It seemed easy to trust in God up to that point in my life - when everything had been going according to my plan so far, when I gave myself credit for everything good in my life.  Now I know better.  Now I am seeing that all is grace. 

God was calling me to a deeper, more genuine faith.  I am learning that faith is my trust in God when things are dark as well as light; when I do not have full understanding, but trust that God will take care of me and lead me to Himself in the most gentle and loving way possible. 

He continues to show me that I am a control freak by nature…and He also continues to invite me to trust Him over and over again. I am always so tempted to hold so tightly to the reins of my daily life, but the Blessed Mother rescues me and shows me the freedom that comes when I let go and allow my Creator to love me in the way only He can.

(Oh, and as proof that God is merciful AND has a sense of humor – my husband and I are now the parents of FIVE beautiful kids.)