Entrustment to Mary = Letting God Love Me This Lent

I was introduced to the idea of spiritual direction about 15 years ago.  I had been grieving over miscarriage after miscarriage, begging God for a child, frustrated with my lack of control over my greatest desire - to be a mother.  I did not ask for spiritual direction.  I did not seek it.  It was a gift.  My mother arranged a meeting with a certain priest for confession, and encouraged me to be open as this priest was known for adding spiritual direction within the Sacrament.  It was the beginning of a transformation, as I have been blessed with this priest as my spiritual director for all these years. 

God knew what my soul needed before I did.  He generously provided and continues to provide His grace through His instrument (the priest), surprising me with His wisdom and helping me to look at the events of my life through His eyes.  Trusting that this priest is an instrument of Christ Himself, I find myself pouring out in great detail my struggles, my fears, my joys, my frustrations, my questions.  I am honestly surprised with some of the answers I receive and the answers bring me such joy, reminding me that God’s ways are not my ways. The direction reminds me to take a rest from over-analyzing my ways. I am continually shown how when I do not discern His will, I can be an obstacle to God using me to share His love.  Thanks to God's grace, I can stand in truth in the Sacrament of Reconciliation with someone who knows my soul.  It’s funny, I can spend so much time talking with this priest while confessing my sins, seeking guidance, asking questions, only to discover I have nothing much to say when we walk out of the reconciliation room.  I really trust that it is Christ reaching out to me in those moments, that the priest is truly His instrument.

I am a shy and introverted person, and many times spiritual direction is provided on the phone.  I put off scheduling meeting times for various reasons: I don’t want to bother the priest, I haven’t made any “progress” since our last talk, I don’t know what to talk about.  But I find that God continues to seek me out, as many times, the priest will email me, asking how I’m doing.  Or he’ll happen to be in town.  Or my mom will suggest calling him about a certain issue I may be struggling with.  I truly believe Christ is expressing His great love for me when He is present in the guidance I receive.  I feel so humbled that this gift was provided for me by God Himself.  I know many search for a spiritual director and are unable to find one.  God shows His love, as He searches me out.

As a Control Freak struggling against tendencies toward perfectionism, I am tempted to distrust God’s love for me.  And I am finding out that the less I accept God’s love for me, the less I am able to share it with my loved ones.  I find myself loving so conditionally, criticizing weaknesses of my loved ones, holding them to high standards.  I find myself dissatisfied with myself, and so I know that God uses spiritual direction to remind me of His great Love for me.  A favorite Scripture verse of mine is 1 Jn 4:19 – “We love because He first loved us.”  I tend to ignore Him, reject Him, distrust Him.  This Lent, my hope is that I will allow God to love me.  Within the arms of my Blessed Mama, I ask for Her grace to help me accept God’s pure Love for me.  God recently arranged a phone call with my spiritual director, and I discussed my thoughts about what I could be doing for Lent – giving up sugar, praying more, going to more daily Masses…etc.  He reminded me that Lent meant “slow down”.  Instead of my grandiose plans, he suggested that I be more present to Jesus loving me, pouring His mercy upon me.  This Lent, I can ask myself, to where am I rushing and why? Instead of rushing I can think of ways to slow down.  I am reminded to relate everything to Redeeming Love.  Quite simply, I can SIMPLIFY this Lent.   

I cannot give what I haven’t accepted.  So, in the arms of Our Mother, I ask Her to help me let God love me (as I am).

Entrustment to Mary = Seeing the Need for a Spiritual Director

I'm typing in the car on a road trip with my husband and kids, ranging in age from 3 to 17. The youngest one (her name will be "Little One" in this blog) is currently asleep in the car seat - what bliss!  Nothing like a sleeping child to get those extra miles behind you.  All in all she's been a good traveler. 

Last night after stopping for dinner, I was encouraging the Little One to get into her car seat in a hurry. She wanted to do it herself, as is expected from a 3 year old. I grabbed her arm to help her up and I guess I wasn't gentle enough and accidentally hurt her arm. She started crying. It was a cry that was doubled by exhaustion and made you feel really guilty.  I apologized and gave lots of kisses, but I had no influence on the tears. Then, out of the blue, she stopped and said "My brother told me not to cry in the car."   And, then, she stopped crying. I was amazed at how willing she was to follow her brother's advice.  

This made me reflect on how absolutely wonderful it is to have a spiritual director. Look at how much easier it was for the Little One to stop crying when she remembered she had made a "promise" to her brother not to cry. She was motivated not by her own idea, but by the advice she received from someone she trusts. 

This is true for me too. Because of living in Blessed Mother's arms, I desire to view my spiritual director as Her special instrument to guide me and help me find the shortest way to union with Her Son. I don't trust my own thoughts on how to deal with certain situations, so I bring my "misery" to my spiritual father and I await the next move. Maybe I'm told, "the next time you find yourself crying, ask yourself, are your tears because your pride was wounded, or because you wounded Christ?"  If I remember this when I'm crying next, then this advice becomes a tool that helps me get closer to the truth about myself. If by grace I see that my tears were flowing over my wounded ego, then I can ask Blessed Mother to change my motivation. I can desire to stop crying for myself. [1]

It's not always easy to follow advice that goes against my own will. However, in Blessed Mother's Arms, I have the hope that She will mold me and soften my heart to follow Our Father's will. In the meantime, I am so grateful because GOD loves me as I am.

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[1] "And I would like to say that this invitation continues to be valid for all -- priests, consecrated persons and laypeople -- and especially for young people -- to take recourse to the counsels of a good spiritual father, capable of accompanying each one in profound knowledge of oneself, and leading one to union with the Lord, so that one's life is increasingly conformed to the Gospel. We always need a guide, dialogue, to go to the Lord. We cannot do it with our reflections alone. " (Benedict XVI, General Audience 2009-09-16 http://www.zenit.org/article-26879?l=english).