Entrustment to Mary = Letting God Love Me This Lent

I was introduced to the idea of spiritual direction about 15 years ago.  I had been grieving over miscarriage after miscarriage, begging God for a child, frustrated with my lack of control over my greatest desire - to be a mother.  I did not ask for spiritual direction.  I did not seek it.  It was a gift.  My mother arranged a meeting with a certain priest for confession, and encouraged me to be open as this priest was known for adding spiritual direction within the Sacrament.  It was the beginning of a transformation, as I have been blessed with this priest as my spiritual director for all these years. 

God knew what my soul needed before I did.  He generously provided and continues to provide His grace through His instrument (the priest), surprising me with His wisdom and helping me to look at the events of my life through His eyes.  Trusting that this priest is an instrument of Christ Himself, I find myself pouring out in great detail my struggles, my fears, my joys, my frustrations, my questions.  I am honestly surprised with some of the answers I receive and the answers bring me such joy, reminding me that God’s ways are not my ways. The direction reminds me to take a rest from over-analyzing my ways. I am continually shown how when I do not discern His will, I can be an obstacle to God using me to share His love.  Thanks to God's grace, I can stand in truth in the Sacrament of Reconciliation with someone who knows my soul.  It’s funny, I can spend so much time talking with this priest while confessing my sins, seeking guidance, asking questions, only to discover I have nothing much to say when we walk out of the reconciliation room.  I really trust that it is Christ reaching out to me in those moments, that the priest is truly His instrument.

I am a shy and introverted person, and many times spiritual direction is provided on the phone.  I put off scheduling meeting times for various reasons: I don’t want to bother the priest, I haven’t made any “progress” since our last talk, I don’t know what to talk about.  But I find that God continues to seek me out, as many times, the priest will email me, asking how I’m doing.  Or he’ll happen to be in town.  Or my mom will suggest calling him about a certain issue I may be struggling with.  I truly believe Christ is expressing His great love for me when He is present in the guidance I receive.  I feel so humbled that this gift was provided for me by God Himself.  I know many search for a spiritual director and are unable to find one.  God shows His love, as He searches me out.

As a Control Freak struggling against tendencies toward perfectionism, I am tempted to distrust God’s love for me.  And I am finding out that the less I accept God’s love for me, the less I am able to share it with my loved ones.  I find myself loving so conditionally, criticizing weaknesses of my loved ones, holding them to high standards.  I find myself dissatisfied with myself, and so I know that God uses spiritual direction to remind me of His great Love for me.  A favorite Scripture verse of mine is 1 Jn 4:19 – “We love because He first loved us.”  I tend to ignore Him, reject Him, distrust Him.  This Lent, my hope is that I will allow God to love me.  Within the arms of my Blessed Mama, I ask for Her grace to help me accept God’s pure Love for me.  God recently arranged a phone call with my spiritual director, and I discussed my thoughts about what I could be doing for Lent – giving up sugar, praying more, going to more daily Masses…etc.  He reminded me that Lent meant “slow down”.  Instead of my grandiose plans, he suggested that I be more present to Jesus loving me, pouring His mercy upon me.  This Lent, I can ask myself, to where am I rushing and why? Instead of rushing I can think of ways to slow down.  I am reminded to relate everything to Redeeming Love.  Quite simply, I can SIMPLIFY this Lent.   

I cannot give what I haven’t accepted.  So, in the arms of Our Mother, I ask Her to help me let God love me (as I am).

Entrustment to Mary = Accepting God's Undeserved Bestowals

I have mentioned before how I have spent most of my life believing I had to earn God's love. This spirituality has helped me realize that God loves me always and completely, even when I sin and turn away from Him. It is still hard though for me to believe I do not earn God's gifts. For example, last week when taking a trip, the flight my husband and I were on was overbooked and the airline asked for volunteers to give up their seats, offering a travel voucher plus a direct flight to a city which just happened to be our final destination. Instead of flying on a 5 hour flight then having to get on another plane for 2.5 more hours, we flew 4 hours on a direct route. Plus, the flight we were supposed to be on ended up delayed getting in 5 hours past the original arrival time. PLUS, my suitcase made the exchange of airlines, which the attendant did not think would happen. Very special graces indeed! Yet, I still tried to put myself on a "deserving" pedestal for these bestowals. On our trip back home, we were again bumped from a full flight, as our assigned seats were claimed "broken" [we were never given an explanation of what that meant] and again received travel vouchers. We now have credits for future flights, which we can use for the future trips we have planned. God freely gave us special graces, which were certainly undeserved by us, His unworthy children.

It was by no mere coincidence that God had my prayer group reading the following section in the book The Gift of Faith this week:

"It sometimes seems to us that we should win God over, that we should merit His love. But He loves you because you are His child, not because you are worthy. Agape is love that creates, that loves you not because you are worthy of being loved, but to make you worthy of it. Agape desires to create an ever increasing good in you. Someone who has received special graces from God is surprised that these graces have been bestowed on him. But agape love descends on the unworthy - descends on us all - because we are all unworthy and we all need this creative love that creates good. The anguish for God, who is love, is that He cannot pour out His love fully, that he cannot boundlessly flood the human souls with this love. God is continuously seeking open hearts on which He may pour out His infinite love without limits." [1]

 

God has once again shown me how much He loves me and desires to bestow graces upon me - gifts I will never - nor can ever - earn. Slowly, my skewed thinking is changing. Makes me wonder how many other special gifts I have missed out on due to my closed heart. But also, makes me hopeful, that with my Blessed Mother WE can learn from these lessons, so WE can open my heart more fully to receive God's infinite love without limits!

 

[1] Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012), 245.

 

Entrustment to Mary = Facing Misery in the Light of God's Love

Misery. Such a miserable word.  Avoiding misery was the program of my life. Many want to continue to support me in this program – “Oh, what an awful day! You deserve a glass of wine.” Or “That stinks, let me treat you to a Starbucks!” or “You’re such a good person, don’t feel bad. You didn’t mean it.” Even worse, some “friends” try to convince me that I am “right” when I share how I treated my child, or friend, or co-worker the way I did. They can be so convincing that I can fall right into the trap of it all again – AVOID MISERY!

Is it any wonder Jesus told us “How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life” (Mt 7:14)? Right before this he said “Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road broad that leads to destruction, and those who enter through it are many” (Mt 7:13). Not only do I see that on my own I’d be on the broad road to destruction– but sometimes, I see that without Blessed Mother, I push my dear ones onto this road with my criticism and nagging.

A priest recently shared with me that the devil spends enough time making people feel guilty and emphasizing their sins that we Christians don’t have to do this for one another. It wasn’t soon after this that I began to realize how critical I am with my dearest ones. Every sentence out of my mouth at home seems to be a dagger ready to plunge into the nearest victim. I try to hide it (sometimes) by making a joke about what a kid or my husband hasn’t done, only to hear the response “why are you being so sarcastic?”  My “holy” motivation?  I don’t want my kids or my husband to be miserable of course! I want them to see their huge pride so that they will be weak and rely on Mary. Ha! What a crazy twist in logic. The real truth, however, is that I don’t want their misery to affect me!

So – what am I getting at? Well, it was my misconception that I would “get better” through my entrustment to Mary. I thought it meant I would always be “good.”  No. Entrustment to Mary means I will get to see the truth of who I am…more and more.  But, this is not for nothing! The more I see how miserable I am, the more real God’s love is becoming for me. His love encompasses my misery with His mercy when WE (Mary and me) give it over to Him in confession or at the Holy Eucharist. Each layer of truth Blessed Mother helps me see uncovers a new layer of God’s unconditional love. This is amazing and worth the challenge!

My spiritual friends are the ones who listen to my discovery of misery and then remind me that I am loved as such. Interestingly enough, through the process I see I am not always a friend to myself! I can see my misery and fall to discouragement and lack of trust in God’s mercy. But, over the years, and thanks to the grace of a wise spiritual director, I am starting to be a true friend to myself. I attribute that to Blessed Mother’s work. She, in me and for me, reminds me of God’s love and mercy. Thanks MOM! Now, with Her grace, I pray that WE will follow this lead and WE will love my dear ones as they are...miserable, like me.

“I believe that I am deeply and personally loved by the Triune God with the whole truth about me, and

that, because I am a person of a little faith and weak love, Jesus entrusted me to His Mother at the hour of His death in the person of Saint John the Apostle, who represents all of us, thus showing His particular fondness for me, His most beloved child.” – Paragraph 1. of the Creed of the Families of Nazareth Movement, USA

Entrustment to Mary = Being Convinced...

God Loves Me All the Way!

I hit my sister because I was mad.

God loves me anyway.

I popped my brother’s balloon; that was bad.

God loves me anyway.

I teased my sister and she told dad.

He said God loves me anyway.

I told Angela “You’re the worst friend I ever had!”

God loves me anyway?

A man at the store told me “you are an awful little lad!”

God loves me anyway.

I poked and poked and now my uncle is mad.

God loves him anyway.

My sister always follows the latest fad.

God loves her anyway.

I broke,

I poked,

I choked,

Do you think these things make God mad?

Mom said, “Perhaps. These things could make God mad.

But, God loves you this way.”

I bit,

I hit,

I spit,

Do you think these things make God glad?

Dad said, “No, these things do not make God glad.

But, God loves you this way.”

I lied,

I spied,

I cried,

Do you think these things make God sad?

The priest said, “Yes, all these things make God sad.

And, God loves you this way.”

Every night I have more and more to add…

Thank you God, for loving me

all the way!![1]

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[1] “Everything that you experience is linked to the love of God who loves you, and to His desire for your good. He is present in your life no matter what you do. Time is a sacrament of your meeting with God and his mercy, with his love for you and his desire that everything work toward your good. Then every fault becomes a “happy fault” (felix culpa). If you looked at every moment of your life in this way, then spontaneous prayer would be born within you. It would be a continuous prayer since the Lord is always with you and always loves you. Every moment of your life would be permeated with the love of the Presence that always encompasses you.”  Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012), 7.

Entrustment to Mary = Being Loved Through a Broken Lamp

Before being introduced to the spirituality of living in communion with Christ through His Blessed Mother, I was an extremely anxious person: over-analyzing, trying to control each situation, trying to avoid unpleasant ones, fearing the worst, feeling insecure and inadequate.  Now, although I am still this way by nature, God has graced me with an awareness that His presence is with me always.[1]  His love permeates EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, although it might not seem as such if I limit my view to that of the way of human thinking.  The spirituality challenges me to see all moments as gifts and helps me to look at the world and events through eyes of faith.  

I’ll share with you an example that stands out.  When we had just two small children, we went on vacation with my family. We rented a condo and when we arrived, my husband started to baby-proof the house.  My daughter was crawling at the time, so he wanted to move this heavy chair in front of the staircase to prevent her from falling.  He didn’t realize that the lamp cord was stuck under the chair, so it fell and broke into pieces.  We didn’t think too much of it, but reported it to the management company as we checked out.  They got back to me, and sent me a bill for the lamp replacement totaling $800.  $800????  Apparently it was a custom lamp from a specialty shop.  I have to say I was unbelievably angry and started lashing out at the management company:   “That’s ridiculous!  Who has custom lamps in rental homes?  There is no way I’m going to pay that much!” ...and on and on I went. 

I called my mom to rant and to justify myself.  She responded with: “Why don’t we look at the spirituality of this event?  How could we look at this through the eyes of faith?  What is God trying to tell you?”  Believe me, I was in no mood to look at this through the eyes of faith.  But – after I cooled off a bit and my pride was a bit more in check - I spoke with a priest and he had a lot of insight for me.  It turned out that this was one of the gentlest ways God could have spoken to me.  It turned out it had nothing to do with the lamp.  Instead, I learned a lot about my own pride, my attachment to money and security and my own sense of entitlement.  It turned out that this was the best investment of $800 I could have ever spent.  And again, God was so very gentle.  I even had the money in my bank account.  This was a turning point for me to begin looking at events through the eyes of faith, and not so much the way the world and human thinking would have me look at them.  All is grace.[2]

Now, as soon as I start to feel the familiar racing of my fearful heart, I am quicker to take a deep breath, remind myself to stay under Blessed Mama’s mantle and seek the peace that comes from knowing God’s loving presence is with me.  I need to call upon the Blessed Mother for openness to seeing the spirituality of events.  With Her, I will NOT rationalize my ways of thinking, but truly discern how God may be speaking to me and what He may be teaching me out of LOVE. And of course, with Her, WE will trust that His ways will bring me much JOY. 

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[1] “Every moment of your life is a moment of meeting with the Presence that is loving you.” (Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3^rd. ed. [Fort Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2012], 6.)

[2] “…Everything is a ‘gift’, since always and everywhere God gives you an opportunity.  It is extremely important for you to believe in this constant Presence who manifests Himself in various ways.” (Ibid. 6-7.)

Why I’m Entrusted to Mary, Mother of God - Reason 1

I decided to do a series on the “why” I’m entrusted to Mary. I’m not going to go in any type of chronological order by importance…I’m just going to think and blog about one reason at a time.

Reason 1:  Because I am so deadly serious!

I was flying on Southwest Airlines with my teenage daughter, flipping through the magazine I picked up from the seat-back pocket in front of me. There was an article about how playing like a child can help one improve her life. To start off there was a short quiz to determine my playfulness. I took the test. It told me “you are all business.” I got only 1 point on the playfulness side. My daughter was scandalized to find out my answer to one of the questions:  “If you saw a kitten playing with a string you would…1) distract the kitten and start a new game with it, 2) think that you haven’t changed the cat litter box, or 3) start playing with the string yourself.”  My answer? Think I haven’t changed the cat litter box. Staring at me my daughter shook her head and said, “You wouldn’t want to play with the kitten??”

I’m all business. 

I remember MY being scandalized freshman year in my high school religion class when my friends from 8^th grade answered a survey that what they look for first in a friend is a sense of humor. No wonder they didn’t invite me to sleep-overs any more…it was obvious, I had very little sense of humor. But why?  It was the one thing so important to so many people in my life…and yet the one thing I could not compete with. My brothers and sisters were all so funny. Laughs were so valued. The more I stressed over it, the more serious I became.

Little did I know at the time, but my seriousness was a form of narcissism. I took myself so seriously, and the world around me so seriously, because I was focused on myself. I was focused on how I perceived the world and how the world perceived me. Completely lost in this analysis, I didn’t believe I was lovable, nor did I know how to love. Despite my Baptism, I lived for myself. Even all my catholic practices were a form of self-love since I was trying to look better in my own eyes. I didn’t know God, so how could I serve Him? I didn’t understand His mercy, so how could I love Him?

How can one so serious change? How can one go from focusing on herself and her sins to focusing on God’s love and His mercy? How can one go from depression to calling herself “High Hopes”?

ENTRUSTMENT TO MARY!

I am absolutely convinced that this way is the easiest way to help the narcissist get over herself/himself!

Why THIS way?

• I had already tried my own human power – it wasn’t working.
• “The easiest and surest way to arrive at falling in love with God is to fall in love with Mary first. When you fall in love with Her, you will want to disappear and to die to yourself like She did. You will desire that the false image of your ego in your heart be replaced by God’s image.  Likewise, you will then desire to be incapable of your own action, and instead you will desire to fulfill God’s will, just as Mary did.” (S.C. Biela, Behold, I Stand at the Door and Knock [Fort Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 63.)
• “[Mary’s] deepest desire is that Christ may grow in you in a way that there is no longer any place in your heart for yourself but only for Him and for His will.” (S.C. Biela, In The Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. [Fort Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 169.
• “The awareness that Mary ‘carries you in her arms’ will enable you to remain in God’s presence with unfaltering faith in His love.” (Ibid. 172)
• “The arms of the Mother of God are the special place/ in which you can rise again from every sin.” (Ibid. 175)
• Mary helps one obtain the virtue of humor, which “enables you to attain the proper perspective between the two realities: God and yourself. In this way, the virtue of humor cleanses your faith of egoism and strengthens it. It will show you with great clarity that only God is really important in your life.” (Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. [Fort Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012], 101.)
• Because THIS way is so loving and gentle.

Mary (in and through my spiritual director, my confessor, my faith-sharing groups, my husband, my children, in Scripture, in the events and in the books on the subject) has helped me to see my weaknesses and my insecurities and my desire for acceptance from others as my NEED for Her. Instead of these truths leading me to depression like they used to, they are bringing me joy because they lead me to say to Mary “I need You more!” Because of the graces She is obtaining for me, WE (Mary and me) desire together to focus on God’s mercy more than my sins.  WE have a sense of humor, especially regarding my failures and weaknesses. This is truly amazing for a person who is deadly serious! Thanks be to my Lord, Jesus Christ!