Entrustment to Mary = Expanding My Diet

We've been hearing a lot about “fasting” recently, but I want to talk about expanding my diet.  A friend and I were recently talking about how picky appetites can be. It didn’t take me long to have the vision of a recent family dinner where a child’s plate was headed to the sink with half-eaten vegetables on it.  The Little One’s chant “I don’t want that” is heard more times than I like when we are offering her delicious and healthy choices. It made me reflect on how easy it is in this world of food-centered entertainment to develop a finicky appetite.  Recently, the Little One was having a melt down after we were at the park because she was legitimately hungry. However, when I offered her the only food I could find in my car (a bag of dried bananas and almonds), it was refused. The tears and “suffering” were preferred to the unappetizing snack.

This sharing with my friend got me thinking in a different direction. I started to see just how picky I am when it comes to the moods and actions of my dear ones. There are days I prefer locking myself in my room in tears and “suffering” over being “treated” to my Little One’s refusal to obey me!  Oh, and don’t think of serving me a teen attitude of laziness, or an exhausted husband after a long day at work who goes to take a nap instead of “eat off my plate” of overtired Little One. I inevitably chant, “I don’t want that!” when God serves me the daily food for my soul.

I’d rather have some “comfort food,” like a child’s quick obedience or a sparkling bathroom. I want an order of “yes, Mom” and “I like to share” with a side of “pleases” and don’t forget the “thank yous.” No, I don’t think I’ll choose an “I don’t want to go to Mass” or an “I’ll do my homework later, Mom, after my 3 straight hours of t.v.” snack. Yes, I’m picky. If you serve me what I don’t like, I might just chew you up, and spit you out for it! Oh bother – I really am self-absorbed.

I was sharing my struggles with self-absorption and the various sins it was leading me into with my spiritual father when he reminded me about Blessed Mother’s “appetite.” She ISN’T picky. She loves me when I am faithful; she loves me when I am unfaithful.  She stays with me when I get moody, when I find myself angry, or when I am joyful and upbeat. She ISN’T picky. Since my willful entrustment to Christ through Mary, I have been discovering more quickly and deeply just how amazing God’s love is.  He knows who I am, and He loves me as I am. It is this Love that is pushing me to desire to expand my diet and be more conscious of and grateful for the “meals” my Lord prepares for me, or allows to be prepared for me, through the daily events with my dear ones. I entrust these “meals” to Blessed Mother that WE may be less picky with my dear ones, and love them as they are!

“Spiritual childlikeness will enable you to thank Mary for loving you in spite of your misery. It is true that the interior of the whitewashed tomb is filthy and abominable. However, it is also true that you are loved not because of some kind of imaginary perfection or cleanliness of soul, but because you are a child – the Heavenly Father’s child. He will always accept you. When you throw yourself into His arms with childlike trust, He will never despise you or abandon you.” (S.C. Biela, Behold, I Stand at the Door and Knock [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 66.)

Entrustment to Mary = Graces Attached To Obedience

Two weeks ago when Holy Father Francis asked us to fast for peace in Syria and the world, it threw me into a tailspin. I have already disclosed my detestation of fasting in previous blog posts [1].Although, the Holy Father did not mention how to do the fast, a priest friend suggested bread and water. Once again I rebelled in my mind remembering how it used to be when I did that type of fasting over 15 years ago. [cf. Blog Fasting During Lent] My mind started reeling with ideas of how I could survive this fasting day rather than looking at it as an opportunity to offer up my hunger for the perilous condition of the world.

 

I am seeing that the more I refrain from fasting the worse I dislike and fear it. I have gone from bread & water - to no sweets - to choosing what type of ice-cream I like least as my method of fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays.

 

Once I stood in the truth, I discovered my fear and unrest came from not wanting to be obedient to the Magisterium and thus closing myself off from the graces that come from that obedience. Instead of embracing the Holy Father’s proclamation and my priest friend’s suggestion, I quickly tried to change the recommendations. I contemplated doing bread and water for breakfast and lunch, then eating a regular meatless dinner, so sort of making it a combination with the Good Friday type of fast, which I felt would be easier. I turned the whole event around to being about “me” not about the suffering humanity. I saw how consumed I am with my routine, my comforts, my love for food, and how adverse I am to going without and being told what to do. I saw just how high of a pedestal I was climbing.

 

I also realized I had closed myself off from the graces that come with my entrustment to the Blessed Mother for I thought I had to fast relying on my own will power and strength. My fear came from my past struggles/failures when I tried fasting on my own.

 

Finally, once I succumbed to the Holy Father’s request, and entrusted my fasting to the Blessed Mother there was peace. Yes, I was hungry and weak, but also calm and content. This experience truly showed me how much grace is attached to obedience. Little did I know that the Holy Father’s announcement of fasting would lead me to fasting from my good impression about myself by seeing who I truly am when closed to God’s graces.  Yet this spirituality has taught me to be joyful when being purified and humbled as it helps me turn back my focus onto my merciful Lord. And in reality this was such a gentle experience allowed by a God who loves me so completely.

 

“On your path to God, do not be surprised that you discover your own misery and nothingness more clearly. You should receive these revelations with joy. For, if you were perfect, then you would not need God. Only the person who experiences his own misery can turn his heart away from himself toward the Lord, who is knocking.”

S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 42.

 

[1] Previous Bog Posts - Entrustment to Mary = Fasting During Lent

                                        Entrustment to Mary = Facing My Sugar Addiction.

     

Entrustment To Mary = Desiring To Fight My Addiction (To Facebook)

I've been dealing with the desire to give up Facebook. I say "dealing" because as much as I'd like to, it seems like it would be the hardest thing ever and I'm actually a little afraid to do so. Even though I gave it up for lent, and thoroughly enjoyed not being on all the time. And the first two weeks after moving we had no Internet at our apartment or even data on our phones - meaning I was only on Facebook when I went to a coffee shop; it was great! I tried to come up with certain days or times that I would allow myself on, but that was more of an idea rather than a plan of action. I have no self-discipline and just can't stay off of it. I don't like wanting to get on when my son is awake and watching me. I don't like comparing myself to others on FB or getting annoyed with what people post. I don't like rushing back from a walk or outing so that I can check what’s new on FB. I'm actually addicted to it! Now don't get me wrong I do appreciate a way to stay in touch with people but right now I feel that the negativity it brings into my life outweighs the positive. I've been praying for the grace to give it up but didn't feel like I was getting anywhere, if anything the nagging feeling had started to go away, until this past week.

I recently found out that my uncle is fasting from chocolate, and offering it up for our president's conversion. I was so impressed with his self-sacrifice and thought I should do something of that sort too. But I have to admit that self-sacrifice isn’t easy for me. I don’t like saying no to myself or feeling uncomfortable. I mean if it was easy for me I’d already be done with Facebook!

Then Pope Francis asked for a day of prayer and fasting last Saturday for peace in Syria and around the world. My first reaction was “Ugh, I don’t want to fast on Saturday!” But I was reminded that God loves me as I am - whether I fast all day, or part of the day or not at all. I was also reminded that I can’t do it on my own. I’ve been so wrapped up in thinking that I have to do it and forgetting that the Blessed Mother is there to help me. Saturday came, I asked for the Blessed Mother’s help and the day of fasting wasn’t so bad. The reason I couldn’t give up FB before is because I was trying to do it all by myself. Even though I was praying for the grace, I wasn’t really asking for help but just expecting instantaneous results.

Now with the Blessed Mother, WE are fasting from Facebook, and remembering God always loves me even if I fall back to my addiction or begin a new one.

"God loves you precisely as you are: as someone attached to your idols, as someone who lives as if He does not exist, and as someone who turns even that which you do because of His will against Him. He never stops loving you even though you continuously reject Him and wound Him by turning your heart away from Him and by seeking reliance in your own riches."

S.C. Biela, Open Wide theDoor to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 101.

Entrustment to Mary = Scooped Up While Running Away

This past week I experienced a somewhat “near-death” experience of my two year old.  I thought our house was well baby-proofed, and the stairs were properly gated.  On my daughter’s first day of preschool, we ran upstairs to quickly fix her hair in pigtails, only to discover that my little monkey found his way upstairs via the 2-inch outer ledge of the railing. There he was, grinning as he held on to the vertical posts on the OUTSIDE of the banister.  It was one of those slow-motion moments, my heart pounding in fear, hoping he would hang on in time for me to quickly snatch him up before he let go, falling from the second story. 

If he senses he’s done something mischievous, he usually bolts in the opposite direction.  So, I falsely praised his acrobatics, and approached him without rushing.  It seemed to take forever to walk those four or five steps toward him!  I was shaking like a leaf while my daughter and I hugged him and praised God, thanking Him and my son’s guardian angel for the gift of their protection. 

But when all was said and done, what was God trying to tell me? 

Lately I have been made aware of many parents’ struggles and trials with the deaths or illnesses of their children.  Why did God spare my child?  I had recently been wondering why my life has been so “easy” and feared that “my turn” was coming.  And yet – for now – God has been so very gentle with me. 

I am reminded of a quote from God Alone Suffices by S.C. Biela: 

Seeing our inability to accept various difficulties, our Lord lowers the intensity of our purification process.  This should be a very visible sign for us that we are still opposing the working of grace in our lives.  The reason for this is our lack of trust.  The person who lacks trust closes the gates of his own heart and does not want to rely on God in everything.

(S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd Ed. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2012], 108.)

I see that my faith is so very lacking.  This scare is a most precious reminder that I am in need of trusting that God alone is indeed enough.  I sense a need to be grateful for, and yet unattached to, His gifts. I am reminded that God is merciful and is drawing me to Himself.  It is a slow process.  At times, I am so very afraid.  This Control Freak is in dire need of her Mama.  If I sense that I am doing something mischievous/sinful, I want to bolt in the opposite direction of God, just like my two-year-old son. I am too weak to trust.  I am too self-absorbed. So I praise God for this spirituality.  I would be so very lost without it.  With Our Mother, I trust that I will be rescued.  How beautiful that she will approach me slowly and gently, allowing me to handle this spirituality step by step.  Only with Her will I truly trust that God loves me as I am.

LISTEN AND PUT IT IN YOUR HEART,

MY CHILD, SMALLEST OF ALL, THAT

IT IS NOTHING THAT FRIGHTENED

OR AFFLICTED YOU.  LET NOT WORRY

PERTURB YOUR FACE, YOUR HEART…

AM I NOT HERE, I WHO AM YOUR

MOTHER?  ARE YOU NOT BENEATH

MY SHADOW AND PROTECTION?

AM I NOT THE SOURCE OF YOUR

HAPPINESS?  ARE YOU NOT IN THE

HOLLOW OF MY MANTLE, IN THE

CROSSING OF MY ARMS?

DO YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE?

(words of Our Lady of Guadalupe to St. Juan Diego)[1]

---

[1] Nican Mopohua [Aqui se narra] escrito en Nahuatl por Don Antonio Valeriano-Traduccion del Nahuatl al Espanol, trans. Fr. Mario Rojas Sanchez (Mexico:  Los Libros Hacen/Edamex, 1990), trans. Ramon Pedrosa, “nican Mopohua.”  http://www.emc.com.ph.monpedp/nicantext.html

Entrustment to Mary = Perseverance while Awaiting “New” Eyes

“Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 18:3-4).

This week a friend of mine experienced the death of her 28 year old niece. I was leaving to go to the funeral when the Little One asked me where I was headed. I told her who died, and how this person was given her new eyes! The eyes that get to see Mary and Jesus. Immediately I heard her repeating my description to her sister with great joy. The Little One and I often talk about how special it’s going to be when we get those “new eyes”!

Obviously, when I’m talking to the Little One I’m referring to literally seeing Jesus and Mary. But today I was realizing that I could start to see Jesus and Mary with the eyes I have, if I just let MOM (Blessed Mother) share with me Her eyes of faith and hope and love.  For example, am I seeking Jesus in my neighbor? My children? My spouse? More often I forget this and instead I am annoyed with my neighbor, children or spouse. I see them as obstacles to my will being accomplished. Oh, how blind I am! But, when looking with Mary, WE see they are actually the instruments in God’s hands to help me fulfill HIS will. 

Over the last few weeks I've had the crazy experience to, on the one hand, be gifted with tremendous hope and joy when describing things to the Little One and to others in my life, while on the other hand, be so self-absorbed.  I am addicted to Facebook, Ruzzle (a game app), and a TV show on Netflix. These “little” distractions take up a good part of my day by being in my thoughts (awaiting the next chance to watch), in my actions (not hearing anyone around me as I play the 2 minute game or while I look at FB), and in what I fail to do (deciding one more round of Ruzzle instead of starting dinner on time, or one more show instead of going to bed on time).   

St. John of the Cross, in Maxims and Counsels writes, “The entire world is not worthy of a man’s thought, for this belongs to God alone; any thought, therefore, not centered on God is stolen from Him.” I am a thief!  But, what a grace that WE can see this truth! Blessed Mother has been using this reality to put a desire in my heart for the Holy Eucharist, to beg to be washed clean by the Blood of Christ. 

I was sharing this recently with my spiritual father and once more, to a deeper level, I was brought to the awareness of how absolutely wonderful it is to desire communion with Christ through Blessed Mother.  I was reminded that our persistent desire to be united with Christ will eventually overcome even our sinfulness. Like St. Augustine, my heart is restless, and that restlessness has me searching…and the short cut to my search is the Arms of Mary whose desire for my good is so much greater than my own desire. This is why I am hopeful in the midst of my addictions. My perseverance stems from Mary constantly reminding me that one day I will have “new eyes” and I will have to face my Savior. She wants me to trust in His Mercy today, with what I can see, so that when I die, and am shown all that I missed along the way, I will automatically call out to His Mercy and live with Him for eternity! I am Mary's little, beloved daughter, who desires to one day enter the kingdom of heaven.

Entrustment to Mary = Becoming A Beggar

God loves the truth. Therefore, at a certain moment in our lives, God no longer allows our illusions of being spiritually rich to exist. He wants us to see and acknowledge that we stand before Him as beggars who have nothing of our own, and who are always in need of spiritual alms, such as the gifts of prayer, faith, hope and good will. {1}

 

Recently, I made a 5 hour trip to visit my daughter on a Saturday. I planned on making it to her Church’s reconciliation time of 3-4:30PM. I figured if I left at 10AM I would have plenty of time to get there. As 10AM approached I saw I was nowhere near ready to depart –as I had not finished packing nor had I painted my toe nails yet. By the time I drove out the driveway it was 11AM. I still felt like I could make it by 4PM. As I started over the mountain pass a fierce thunder and lightning storm ensued with heavy rains making it hard to see the road. I pulled off for a few minutes but realizing the storm was not going to blow over quickly, I started out again driving a slow 30-40mph. It was quite terrorizing as the lightning was continuous for a good 20 miles. I started to pray aloud the Divine Mercy Chaplet over and over again, begging God for the mercy to keep me safe and to allow me to arrive to the Church in time for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I pulled into the Church parking lot at 4:15PM. I thanked God and hurried into the bathroom before getting in the confessional line, where there were 2 other girls in front of me and an older woman behind me. [My daughter told me the priest would go longer if there was a line, so I figured I was set.] Well, the person who came out of the confessional at 4:27 said confessions were now over. I couldn’t believe my ears. Then the priest came out and I looked at him and said, “I just drove 5 hours to be here!” He didn’t seem to be interested and walked away. I [my pride] was crushed. I slowly walked out to my car wanting to cry. I couldn’t understand how God would not want me to receive this Sacrament, especially when He had allowed me to arrive in time.
 

The alms of spiritual misery are extremely difficult for your pride to accept because your pride does not want to acknowledge that you are a spiritual beggar. Pride wants to continuously prove something to God. Pride wants to give Him a bill and receive payment, rather than alms, in return.{2}

In reflecting on this experience I realized I indeed felt spiritually rich in making my plans to go to Confession that day. I can remember a feeling of spiritual superiority, thinking how special I was to make the Sacrament of Reconciliation my priority, assuming God would be so pleased that He of course would “pay” me by allowing my plans to materialize. Yet in reality I put my temporal needs of painting my toenails above my spiritual desire of making it to confession with time to spare. I travelled in the illusion that God owed me the right to receive this Sacrament.

It makes sense now that I did not receive the Sacrament that day. It was a humiliation that allowed me to see more of my spiritual misery.  It allowed me to see: "When you open the door of your soul to the Lord, you always stand before Him as a sinner who has nothing and who counts only on His alms."{3} It allowed me to see that I cannot dictate to God my will, and expect Him to carry it out. It helped me realize how I am an ungrateful beggar. "Such a beggar does not accept God’s alms and acts as if he were to say, ‘Come back later and bring me something else.’"{4}

With Blessed Mom, I am grateful for these truths that were revealed from God’s loving and most

merciful Light, and with Blessed Mom I thank God for showing me the truth about myself and how even in my spiritual misery He loves me as I am.

 

Footnotes all taken from: S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005)

35, 36, 35, 46

Entrustment to Mary = Rescued from Temper Tantrums

The other day my two-year-old was starting to get loud and fussy during Mass.  I took him out to the vestibule of the church, only for him to discover the holy water font.  Up on tiptoe, he reached inside the bowl, and right away he knew to touch his forehead with his wet fingers.  But, he wanted to continue – over and over and over.  I tried to distract him and then it was time for communion.  He protested loudly, clinging to the holy water bowl.  I started to get a bit nervous.  I didn’t want to take a screaming child inside the church, but at the same time, the line was almost ending, and I didn’t want to miss receiving.  I snatched him up and he started to kick his feet and flail his arms.  Oh, boy!  What to do?  I knew I needed the graces, so in I went and he calmed down just a bit.  As I approached the priest, he tried to squirm away, but thankfully allowed me to quietly carry him back to the vestibule.  As soon as I set him down, he dashed off to the holy water font, reaching up and smiling grandly, pleased with himself. 

It struck me right then how pleased I am with myself when I think I know what is best for me, but how clueless I really am when I push away from God’s loving presence and His holy will.  So many times God invites me to a closeness that I reject because I allow myself to be distracted by my own worldly desires for momentary pleasures.  I was reminded of a catchy phrase my old pastor reminded his congregation of:  “The main thing is to make the main thing the main thing.”   So many times I give Jesus the leftovers.  So many times I miss out on the main thing, because I cling to having control over what I  want in the moment, rather than seeking what God’s will is for me in the moment.  For example, during the summer my kids were in the habit of bickering quite a bit, driving their mother crazy.  Last night, I was sending them off to bed, looking forward to a moment of quiet, when there was a commotion and I was quick to discipline them to stop “fighting”.  My husband shushed me and pointed out that my younger daughters were giving their older brother hugs goodnight.  I had been praying all summer that my son would give his little sisters “the time of day.” He was laughing and allowing them to hug him and actually returning the hugs, and here I was ready to nip the whole thing.  In my control-freakness, I was resisting God’s workings in my own home.  I was insisting on ‘staying near the holy water’ instead of ‘coming face to face with God in the Eucharist’.  

I am not often enough the little child who is awaiting miracles.  Often times I am very childish, insisting that I know best or that I have the strength to control things.  I beg Blessed Mother to pick me up, despite my kicking legs and flailing arms, and to take me to her Son! 

Mary, carry me in your arms like your own child.

Please allow me to become light like a balloon

carried by the wind of the Holy Spirit, docile to

carrying out God’s will and free from attachments.

I do not want to know where this Divine Wind

comes from or where it will carry me.  I do not

want to impose my own plans and visions on God.

I want to be docile like you.

           (S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ (Ft.  Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 146.)