Entrustment to Mary = Not Being Fooled

The other night I was putting the Little One to bed when he started to work his way into an anxiety attack. It started off simply as a stall to going to bed, but then he remembered past days of scary dreams and convinced himself that he was going to have a scary dream that night and he couldn’t stop crying and whining about it. He was obviously overtired, but the emotions he was going through were real to him. I know this because I suffer anxiety and so I knew a simple “get a hold of yourself” wasn’t going to be effective!

The Little One’s trouble with anxiety began after he had some bad dreams. First it was fire in his bedroom, then it was bears in the back yard and other animals – all wanting to eat him. The dreams must have been very intense because they sparked such vivid thoughts in the day time that he hated to be in his own room for fear of a real fire. When he awoke from his dreams, he would beg me to lay with him, hold him and say prayers with him. He started to pray differently. He now begs Jesus and Mary every night to protect him from scary dreams and thoughts, and when he wakes up in the morning he is grateful that the prayers are answered. This trial of faith has produced many fruits in his relationship with Divine Love and Mercy to the point I am convinced this was a gift – a gift for deeper faith.

By the grace of God, I was in a very good place the other night when the Little One was too tired to go to sleep. My husband came into the room, concerned the whole episode was going to push me into a bad place, but I assured him I was okay. I was really in the grace of the moment. I had been praying, and started to pray aloud the Psalms that help the Little One when he is most afraid “The LORD is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack…I will fear no evil, for you are with me;” (Ps 23:1, 4).  His response to my praying was to intensify his whining and crying. Why weren’t the prayers working that night? Could it be because he wasn’t living in the moment? Could he be focusing on feelings from the past only to be afraid of the future which is out of his control? Where was his confidence in Jesus and Mary to answer his night time prayer not to have scary dreams?

Wow. These questions were very eye-opening for me with my own anxieties. The very next day I found out my friend with cancer had made a turn for the worse. I started to remember the grief I had really experienced when my father died. Instead of staying in the current moment and wondering what my friend might need, I remembered how terrible I felt in the past, and projected this onto the future – this process put me in a stupor and anxiety pursued! Before it went too far, however, Blessed Mother helped me to remember my Little One’s struggle from the night before. Was I, too, creating undue stress? Was I focusing on my feelings from the past to the point I was more afraid of the future that is out of my control? Since I hadn’t immediately turned to prayer, I could see that the fear I had was more imagined than a real threat. Where was my confidence in Jesus and Mary to carry me, to carry my friend which I pray for incessantly? Immediately, I entrusted my thoughts to Blessed Mother to be immersed in Divine Mercy and Love. That day MOM kept me from being fooled into spending a lot of tears on an illusion--tears before their proper time.

“Anxieties that nag you about the past or the future are also trials of faith. God expects that you will offer Him all of these anxieties so that you can entrust yourself more fully to Him and totally abandon yourself to Him.” (Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012), p. 129)

Entrustment to Mary = Falling, If It Leads to God’s Mercy

Last week the Little One was suffering a virus which kept her up at night. In the afternoons she would fall into a deep sleep from which it was difficult to wake her up. The first afternoon I tried, I was confronted with angry resistance and a monotonous cry that just wouldn’t stop. I tried my best to be loving (grace obtained by Blessed Mother, I'm sure), but I am not the most patient and I seldom think outside the box. My husband got home from work and, thanks to his entrustment to Mary, and good sense of humor, it wasn’t long before he was carrying the Little One down the stairs smiling, and ready for dinner.

Flash forward to day two of the deep naps. I decided to use the same “tricks” that worked for my hubby. Well, it must be in the delivery, because I met with the same resistance, anger, kicking, and annoyance as day one. I thought I would trump all tricks this time and made a delicious smoothie to coax my tired girl into a better mood. No luck. My feelings were hurt! Why was I being treated so poorly? I hadn’t done anything wrong…what was UP?!

I retreated, leaving the smoothie at the bedside and called my husband in a fit of panic. My “plans” were being foiled. Pacing outside I shared my dilemma: “I’m just not mature enough to handle her bad attitude!” He told me to relax, that he was almost home. To ease my burden (I had an important work conference call that same evening) he was going to pick up the Little One and go out to eat with her leaving me free to get my call done.

I returned to the bedroom to find the Little One drinking the smoothie, but when her eyes caught mine she returned to her grumpy disposition. So, sitting down a good distance from her I simply said: “Dad’s almost home. He will take you out to dinner so I can do my work. You need to get ready to leave with him.” She got up and started toward the door, but instead of leaving, she turned and looked at me, stretched out her arms for a hug, and said in a gentle voice “I’m sorry.”

Wow. All my animosity and panic left instantly and I hugged her so tight! “I forgive you,” was my response.

Later that night it occurred to me. The whole UGLY episode was totally worth it since it led to the Little One experiencing contrition, and it led to my understanding God’s way of loving a little better. No longer was it about what I deserved or how she behaved, but it was about the beautiful spirituality of events that led us both to discover in a deeper way contrition and gratitude. I was now thankful for something that had brought me a lot of grief. Once again the Little One is Blessed Mother’s instrument to show me just how wonderful God’s love is. My lessons are gentle, in the privacy of my home and not in the public’s eye. How blessed I feel to be so small that the tiniest problems can lead me to the deepest truths!

When you sin

or you are saddened,

you do not trust God

and you are not grateful,

you are making yourself similar to the lost sheep.

What does the Good Shepherd do then?

In response to your infidelity

He searches for you,

and immediately when you show contrition,

He takes you in His arms,

showing you this gesture, that He pardoned you already.

He wants you to know

that He loves you constantly,

even

m o r e

than before your fall.

That is when He loves you more than ever.

(S.C. Biela, In The Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 83.)

Entrustment to Mary = A Real Solution to Live in Hope

“Mooom-mmmyyyy” the Little One kept calling. She had gotten herself into a stubborn pickle. She was unable to exit the car because something didn’t go exactly the way she envisioned after I pulled into the garage. When I went out to see why she wouldn’t come in, she made some crazy excuse about needing my help to do something that she was completely capable of doing. She just needed me. But, how did I respond?

As I walked back into the house (leaving her in the car still), my conscience was tugging at me. I had used a harsh voice. I had piled on top of the existing problem issues from earlier – clearly letting the Little One know that I hadn’t forgotten her tantrum from this morning. My own “tantrum” seemed to be intensifying this power struggle.

“MOOOOOMMMM” I cried in my head! I had gotten myself into a stubborn pickle! Blessed Mother began to soften my heart by reminding me what the Little One’s day was like. “I forgot my tennis shoes for P.E. again; AND, today was my show and tell,” were the first things she shared with me when I picked her up.  And then it came out she forgot her library books too! I had spent the beginning of our drive home going on about how if she hadn’t spent so much time this morning complaining about what socks she wanted to wear all this wouldn’t have happened.  Hmmm…perhaps all she needed was a big hug when we got home? But, I walked away.

I, like the Little One, started searching hard for a way out of this mess. Her solution (help me get out of the car and I will feel better) was one I was too stubborn to give in to. So I asked my Not So Little One if he’d mind playing the role of the “good cop”. Blessed Mother’s love was ready and willing in him. It worked. The Little One came in with red circles under her eyes from crying, but she was smiling now. By grace, my tantrum had subsided too, and I wanted desperately to hug the Little One.

This tiny episode had a valuable lesson for me. Because of Blessed Mother’s action through the Not So Little One, the Little One and I were able to get over our prides. I need the saints, the angels, my friends, my family to help when I am stuck and unable, on my own, to step over my pride. In a special way, I need Blessed Mother! What HOPE there is in my home now that I have a support system - this spirituality - that validates that GOD loves me as I am and there is a purpose to my life.  In addition, this spirituality helps validate that GOD loves my children just as they are and they have a purpose in this life too! We fail each and every day, but because of Blessed Mother’s arms, we can get up! My Little One can find help – she can still scream “Mom!” and I have a solution when, before, I felt so helpless. I now can yell “MOOOOMMM!” too! When I am stuck, I am not left unaided. I can be wrong and immature, but still have a place where I can be held and comforted. This is a REAL SOLUTION for all the trouble in this world:

Shortly before Jacinta went to the hospital where she was to die, she said to Lucia: "In a short time now I am going to heaven. You are to stay here and say that God wishes to establish in the world the devotion to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. . . . Tell everybody that God grants graces through the Immaculate Heart of Mary, and that they must ask them from her. Tell them that the Heart of Jesus wishes that by His side should be venerated the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Tell them to ask for peace through the Immaculate Heart of Mary; God has placed it in her hands." (Message from Our Lady of Fatima)

…Imagine St. Juan Diego’s very difficult situation, and then you will know how to cling to Mary’s back and how to snuggle your head between her shoulders. It will be as if you are immersed in her so that your heart clings to her Immaculate Heart, and your heart and Mary’s heart become one. You will live in union with the Mother of God. In this way, no barriers will be able to come between your two hearts. In turn, your eyes will gradually become as if Mary’s eyes – your ears; her ears – your thoughts; her thoughts. For can the one whom Our Lady of Guadalupe takes into her arms, so that he does not become lost on the difficult path to the Only Lord, live in any other way? (S.C. Biela, The TwoPillars, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2006], 38-39.)

Entrustment to Mary = Realizing that Not Everything is “Okay”

The Little One started school a few weeks ago. She started a full-day kindergarten program. I am happy to report that she is enamored with her new teacher and wakes up eager to return to the classroom each day. You can imagine how exhausting a full-day program is for her. One night she fell asleep before dinner at 6 pm and didn’t wake up until the next morning. She is learning a lot and adapting to the new responsibilities. However, she is not always able to remember what she has to do, and when. While this was a major stress for me as a little girl, the Little One likes to say “that’s okay” each time she realizes she missed a deadline or forgot her PE shoes.

At first I was pleased with her lack of stress and ease at dismissing her “failures.” I thought perhaps the Blessed Mother was trying to show me how I should live and look at things from that angle. But, after a week of daily “that’s okay!”s I started to get concerned. Something wasn’t sitting well with me in what was starting to sound like a flippant response. I tried to explain that it isn’t really okay to forget our library books each week and that we are required to bring our PE shoes for every PE class. When it is her turn to bring in an item for “show and tell” then she should bring an item on that day, not another day.

Because I often think like a human being and not like God, I took the matter to spiritual direction. What a grace! Through the instrument of the Spiritual Director Blessed Mother was able to help me see through the fog! The issue isn’t that the Little One is forgetful; the issue is that she doesn’t see the need for contrition in these events. She wasn’t seeing the need to ask me to help her to remember, to help her to do the best she can do.

No doubt, Blessed Mother was trying to show me how I should live and look at things through this little event with my daughter. Blessed Mother wanted me to remember her rolemy life and that I need Her to help me to remember what is important and what I need to do each day. Right away an example came to my mind - daily Mass. Over the years I have come to know that living daily by the Eucharist is a top priority in the spiritual life. However, lately I have been saying to myself, “it’s okay,” when I choose not to attend some days. The issue isn’t always did I attend or not attend…the issue is do I ask for the graces from Blessed Mother to remember to hunger for the Eucharist each and every day? Do I have contrition when I don’t make it to Holy Mass when perhaps I could have made it there, if it had been my TOP priority and/or if I had asked Mary to help me remember?

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Nothing compares to the purifying and healing action of the Eucharist. There is no other cure like it for our spiritual diseases. When you await the fruits of the Holy Mass you are already purified to a certain extent because you meet with the Eucharistic Christ through faith and hope….

At the beginning of the day, during your morning prayer, you can entrust yourself to Jesus, through Mary. During this time, you may ask Mary herself to immerse you in the Redemptive Sacrifice of her Son. If you see that you lack good will and you do not want to live by the Eucharist, ask Mary to await the Holy Mass in you, ask her to thirst and quest for the Lord in you, and ask her to live with a hunger for God according to the example of her Son….If you do not ask for her intercession, then how can she help you? She does not want to take away your freedom. (S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 76 and 77.)

At night for prayers we are helping the Little One to say her “sorries” for when she forgets to ask us for help. In addition, we are teaching her to ask for Mary to help her remember for the next day. As for me? Oh, Blessed Mother, be my contrition for today’s messes, and thank you for hungering in me and for me for my daily Bread!

Entrustment to Mary = Seeing God’s Bestowals in the Ordinary Events of Life

First off, Happy Easter! I love that Easter is a 50 day party! In addition, today is my “entrustment day”. Each month on the date that I was first consecrated to Mary, WE (Blessed Mother and I) celebrate the occasion somehow, some way. I never really know what the grace will look like, but it is always endearing and helps me to have a keener awareness of how much I am God’s beloved daughter.  Today was FULL of grace:

•           I was woken up by the Little One between 2-3 a.m., which made it really hard to get out of bed this morning. So, I just stayed put and was able to pray first thing instead of rushing around.
•          Thanks to my new smart phone, I was distracted during my prayer time in bed and read an article about Blessed John Paul II. In reading about his extraordinary ways, I was reminded that yes, he is a saint, and no, I am not…and THIS is why I was entrusted to Blessed Mother in the first place!
•          My hair didn’t turn out okay, and the shirt I put on for church was wrinkled with no time to change – gifts because I’ve been so vain over the last week that it has been quite the distraction.
•         I made it to Holy Mass…late. (I am and always will be the limping last sheep¹ and this is why I am entrusted to Mary!)
•         The Little One didn’t complain about going to church today!
•         After lunch, I experienced an exhaustion that was so draining, that I had to lay down. The Little One allowed me to read a book while she read her books next to me.
•         My begging prayers to Blessed Mom to help me out of my low were answered by a delicious homemade cold mocha drink. The graces attached to the caffeine got me to the library where the Little One was so excited to get new books and her very own library card, followed by a grocery store trip with no melt downs and actually not forgetting anything needed for dinner.
•         While out driving, for a brief moment, Blessed Mother shared with me HER hunger to love…HER hunger for my surrender…it didn’t last long, but I experienced it. It was obvious to me that on my own such a task would be impossible, but with HER…it will happen, some day!
•         The Little One wanted to help me with dinner and it was a help!
•         Dinner actually turned out tasty, not just to me either!!
•         My husband didn’t come home for dinner, but all the kids were in good moods and we actually hung out at the table chatting for an hour.
•         My husband surprised me by doing a needed car repair before coming home!
•         I got laundry done today.
•         It was my husband’s night (not mine) to put the Little One to bed!
•         I was left with the dishes…and had energy left to do them from my afternoon coffee drink (remember – grace was attached)!
•         I had time to make breakfast for tomorrow for my teens who have sports after school – such an unusually motherly thing for me to do – must have been “WE!”
•         I remembered to write this blog.

 Thank you, Mary, for carrying me so gently and so lovingly today, and every day!

"In St. Thérèse of the Child Jesus’ life, one may say that she had a certain passion for tracking down God’s gifts. She desired to thank God for everything. For her, everything was grace. She saw the love of Jesus progress to the point of folly.^* Her binoculars were constantly directed at Jesus with such passion that it was as if nothing else existed for her. She seemed to be possessed by God. Even more, her sister by birth called her the one who was possessed by God." (S.C. Biela, The Two Pillars, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2006], 91.) *Story of a Soul: The Autobiography of St. Thérèse of Lisieux, 3rd ed., trans. John Clarke (Washington, DC: ICS, 1996), 200. Translation of Histoire d’une âme: manuscrits autobiographiques (Editions du Cerf and Desclée de Brouer, 1972) Citation is from Manuscript B, 5vº, Letter to Sister Marie of the Sacred Heart. – Ed.

"The expression that ‘God loves’ means that He bestows. If God is love, then this means that He lives in order to give. This gift is unceasingly poured out upon us, regardless of the circumstances. It calls forth gratitude.

People, things, and events take on the proper meaning in the light of faith. They stand before me not only as part of the world to which they belong, but also as God’s messengers, as manifestations of God’s Loving presence, and as letters that speak to me about the grace that He, the Lord, unceasingly pours out on me. The things surrounding us and the situations in which we find ourselves also speak to us about our need for deeper contrition and gratitude – the two intertwined pillars of interior life." (The Two Pillars., 8.)

1 “The helpless sheep wants to follow Jesus, even though nothing works out well for it and the efforts that it makes do not have results. It believes that the Good Shepherd sees its desire to follow Him, and its effort to advance at least by a few steps. It believes that in the eyes of the Good Shepherd it is not important how much distance it has successfully taken but only the extent and greatness of its desire and effort to be obedient to Him.”  (S.C. Biela, In The Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed,rev. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 74.)

Entrustment to Mary = Loving, Teaching and Forgiving

It was 3 pm, the hour of mercy, when the Little One requested me to read her a story.  I knew the risk. I inevitably have to nap after reading in the late afternoon. This particular day I decided to sit in a chair to increase my odds of staying awake. Well, I got through half the book before I was nodding off. She noticed. She said it would be okay to finish at bedtime. I thanked her and told her I had to rest for a little bit. She cheerfully said okay and started heading downstairs when I yelled out after her “Remember, don’t play on the Kindle!” (She had played, watched and read on it her allotted time already earlier in the day.) She looked back at me and said “I won’t.”

It wasn’t as restful of a sleep as I hoped for. It was too quiet. How come the Little One wasn’t doing her usual singing or monologue while playing with dolls? Hmm? After 10 or so minutes I decided to head down to take a look, and found the Little One on the couch with…you guessed it…the Kindle!  It was slammed shut at the first sight of me and she went running away. What could I do? I told her that since she did something I didn’t want her to do that she would now have to do something I wanted her to do – which was to help me empty the dishwasher and fold her laundry.

“No!” she said. Wow. That seemed bold. I didn’t take kindly to this response. With a huge pout on her face she began heading to her room to escape the atonement.  I took the bait and got into the power-struggle. I threw out the worst threat –the COUNTDOWN. “If you don’t get to my side to help me with this dishwasher by the count of 10, then you will not be having dessert for the next 5 days!” (Yes, I really escalated that quickly.) She shouted “NO! Don’t count!” paralyzed on the stairs in disbelief that she would be forced to such a choice. She did not make it…she did not choose to help me. I started clearing the counters and cupboards of all accessible candy (Christmas had extremely multiplied the quantities of sweets in our house). The Little One escaped to her room in tears.

Calmed down, I said a prayer entrusting us both to Blessed Mother, then I went in for a visit. I asked the Little One, “Do you know why I was upset? Do you think it was because you used the Kindle?” She shook her head “no.” “Was I upset because you didn’t want to help me?” She shook her head “yes.” Then she rushed into my arms.  I hugged the Little One tight. I know that hug was a twofold Christmas miracle – Blessed Mother using my arms to love a child She helped to be contrite.

A mentor a long time ago shared that there is no recipe to raising children, but we can follow three points:  1) love them, 2) teach them, and 3) forgive them.

I am so grateful for this experience with the Little One. There have been so many lessons for her: She can make bad choices (we are in day 2 and she’s had 4 melt downs for not being able to eat sweets); she wants to be the leader (a role her mom and dad were entrusted with, not her); she lacks trust in her mom (pride takes root so young); and she has a crucial need for hugs!

There are so many lessons for me:  How often do I tell my LORD “I firmly intend with the help of your grace to sin no more,” and then leave the confessional to do just that – sin more?; I have a huge fear of losing control, which means I totally lack trust in God’s mercy; and, the most important lesson of all, I need to be in Blessed Mother’s arms constantly when I parent!

It was a good day to discover truth.

In an unusual way, the parable of the prodigal son depicts the depth of the twofold truth about God and man. This parable says that God loves you in and with the actual truth about you. He loves you as you are and not as you should be. He loves you with all of your muck, filth, grime, and even wretchedness. In turn, you have to abolish the pedestal of your pride in order to stand in the naked and acknowledged truth before Him – the truth that, in this state of being closed, you are incapable of loving Him, and the truth that you should constantly receive this freely-given love until a complete change is brought about in you. Thus you must stand in the truth – the naked truth. (S.C. Biela, The Two Pillars, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2006], 35.)

Entrustment to Mary = Learning Simplicity from a Child

The last few early mornings I've been woken up by the Little One crawling into bed needing to be held. “HUG ME!” she says.  I usually have to roll over to face her, and I sleepily put my arm around her. She much prefers the two armed hold, but will accept my attempt, especially if it’s still dark outside.  If I’m too asleep to respond, she has no trouble waking up my husband with the same demand. It has got me thinking…how much do I need to be held by Blessed Mother?

The spirituality of Communion of Life with Christ through Mary emphasizes childlike trust and humility. I have come to believe that one of my Little One’s roles is to teach me the proper disposition to have in front of my Mother and ultimately, my Father in Heaven.

So my reflection and prayer today is what does MOM (Blessed Mother) want to share with me through the Little One’s desire for being held?

It is in the mornings, when the Little One finds herself alone and in the dark, that she seeks out my arms or my husband’s, but not only then. She asks to go to sleep in our arms too. During the day, she comes to us regularly asking to be held. If the walk is too long, she starts stretching her arms high, whining “hold me!”  When she gets a boo-boo, she runs to share the news with us…hoping for kisses and hugs. When she eats, she prefers to sit on our lap. When she is cold and/or tired, she snuggles into our embrace. I find she seeks me out when she is bored, and/or when I am distracted – wanting to make sure I still remember she is there. She runs to us to share her good news, as well as her bad news. She comes when she doesn’t understand something, and/or when she finally gets it! She often seeks out our arms at the Holy Mass – when she is overwhelmed by her lack of patience and/or distractions. 

Entrustment to Mary, submission to her, and being in her arms are your source of life. Outside of these arms everything appears to be threatening, the world seems hostile, and you encounter the worst things. And it would be so if Mary did not pick you up, embrace, cuddle, and hold you within her merciful arms. (S.C. Biela, The Two Pillars, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2006], 77.)

And, what does MOM want to tell me through the Little One’s desire NOT to be held?

It is always when the Little One wants to exert independence that she doesn’t seem interested in being held. When we pick her up to keep her from something is when she flies out of our arms quickest. She screams when her siblings pick her up and won’t let her down – when she feels trapped and when it isn’t her will. She stays away from us when she wants to be in control, or when she doesn’t trust us.

The words, I am afraid to turn everything over to God, hurt like a slap in the face because they are as if you were saying to God, I don’t trust You; I do not know what You are going to do to me. … Distrust, in a certain way, is worse than sin because it is the root and the source of sin. If you do not want to trust, if your enemy is able to engraft distrust in your heart, then consequences will have to follow – fear, the feeling of being threatened, and the suffering associated with it.  Only through the consequences of this evil will you see how far you have strayed. … You will continue to carry the burden of fear until you are converted, until you become like a child who simply entrusts himself into his loving father’s arms. “A patient should be treated for as long as it takes until he learns to pray,” wrote L. Szondi. This does not refer to repeating simple prayers. It refers to an attitude of deep prayer, the trusting prayer of a child who surrenders himself fully into the arms of the Father. (Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012], 63.)

Childlike trust and humility, what does it mean for me?

I guess, in simplicity, it means I need MOM’s arms always:

The arms of Mary, where we can find security and happiness, are in reality the arms of God Himself, who completely permeates the one whom the Church calls the Vessel of the Holy Spirit. (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3rd. ed. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011], 137.) 

©2012-2013 CyanoScarlet

Entrustment to Mary = Perseverance while Awaiting “New” Eyes

“Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 18:3-4).

This week a friend of mine experienced the death of her 28 year old niece. I was leaving to go to the funeral when the Little One asked me where I was headed. I told her who died, and how this person was given her new eyes! The eyes that get to see Mary and Jesus. Immediately I heard her repeating my description to her sister with great joy. The Little One and I often talk about how special it’s going to be when we get those “new eyes”!

Obviously, when I’m talking to the Little One I’m referring to literally seeing Jesus and Mary. But today I was realizing that I could start to see Jesus and Mary with the eyes I have, if I just let MOM (Blessed Mother) share with me Her eyes of faith and hope and love.  For example, am I seeking Jesus in my neighbor? My children? My spouse? More often I forget this and instead I am annoyed with my neighbor, children or spouse. I see them as obstacles to my will being accomplished. Oh, how blind I am! But, when looking with Mary, WE see they are actually the instruments in God’s hands to help me fulfill HIS will. 

Over the last few weeks I've had the crazy experience to, on the one hand, be gifted with tremendous hope and joy when describing things to the Little One and to others in my life, while on the other hand, be so self-absorbed.  I am addicted to Facebook, Ruzzle (a game app), and a TV show on Netflix. These “little” distractions take up a good part of my day by being in my thoughts (awaiting the next chance to watch), in my actions (not hearing anyone around me as I play the 2 minute game or while I look at FB), and in what I fail to do (deciding one more round of Ruzzle instead of starting dinner on time, or one more show instead of going to bed on time).   

St. John of the Cross, in Maxims and Counsels writes, “The entire world is not worthy of a man’s thought, for this belongs to God alone; any thought, therefore, not centered on God is stolen from Him.” I am a thief!  But, what a grace that WE can see this truth! Blessed Mother has been using this reality to put a desire in my heart for the Holy Eucharist, to beg to be washed clean by the Blood of Christ. 

I was sharing this recently with my spiritual father and once more, to a deeper level, I was brought to the awareness of how absolutely wonderful it is to desire communion with Christ through Blessed Mother.  I was reminded that our persistent desire to be united with Christ will eventually overcome even our sinfulness. Like St. Augustine, my heart is restless, and that restlessness has me searching…and the short cut to my search is the Arms of Mary whose desire for my good is so much greater than my own desire. This is why I am hopeful in the midst of my addictions. My perseverance stems from Mary constantly reminding me that one day I will have “new eyes” and I will have to face my Savior. She wants me to trust in His Mercy today, with what I can see, so that when I die, and am shown all that I missed along the way, I will automatically call out to His Mercy and live with Him for eternity! I am Mary's little, beloved daughter, who desires to one day enter the kingdom of heaven.

Entrustment to Mary = Kissing the Cross

I had the most interesting dream this week. I dreamt that I was being attacked by some ferocious four-legged animal. It had an awful snarl and huge teeth. I was holding its muzzle shut for a while, but realized it was too strong and too big for me to keep my grip on it. I was going to panic, but interiorly Blessed Mother was telling me not to be afraid – to let go and She would protect me. So, I let go. The “beast” snarled one last time, but then jumped up and gave me a friendly lick on the cheek.

I found it fascinating that I had this dream the night before reading the Families of Nazareth Movement’s Easter readings reflection that I use in a small faith-sharing group. One of the themes from this week’s reflection was fear and the feeling of being threatened. In Fr. Dajczer’s book The Gift of Faith he says:  “Fear, as well as the feeling of being threatened, becomes a part of the Redemption. Jesus, dying on the Cross, redeemed us from fear and from the feeling of being threatened, just as He redeemed us from sin.”[1]  He continues, “How are you to fight this fear that surrounds you? If you fight it directly, it will end in a fiasco. There is only one unfailing way:  open yourself up to the redeeming action of Christ through faith like that of an evangelical child.** You must believe that Jesus redeemed you from everything that threatens you, that you are truly free.”[2]

"Woman, Behold Your Son"
by James Tissot

I could really relate these words with my dream. I felt threatened by this beast. I felt there was no hope for survival when relying on my own strength. How true this is in my everyday life! I find “beasts” all around me! It’s bad enough just to read the news, but sometimes they come in an email that shares my friend is having another miscarriage, or a text that my friend left the seminary, or a phone call that my friend’s father has to have surgery for cancer, or the news of a friend’s divorce. Sometimes the “beasts” threatening me are my own thoughts and desires for perfection – stemmed from my eyes being opened to the truth that I waste so many graces, that this Lent was torture, and I don’t even want to sit through the long Triduum services.

Thank goodness I had a scheduled call to my spiritual director this week! What a grace it was when he picked up the phone and was there to listen as I described all that was threatening me.  How on my own can I be open to trust? How on my own can I see the Cross as Divine Mercy? I can’t! That is why I am entrusted to Mary. Mary wants to lend me Her eyes so that I can start to see the abyss of my misery and the suffering and evil all around me in the light of the abyss of God’s divine mercy and love!  All that I see has already been redeemed…and so WE (Mary and I) can go into the Triduum with joy. My entrustment to Mary is helping me to trust that “nothing will be impossible with God” (Lk 1:37).

**What is an “evangelical child”? The Little One showed me this week. A week before Good Friday she remembered that she was going to get to kiss the cross today. Never has she been so excited to go to church. Strangely enough, our pastor decided to have us adore the cross from our seats and wait to venerate the cross after the service was over.  The Little One was so patient until she finally got to go up. When it was our turn, we literally ran up together and she smiled and reached for the cross to give it a big kiss. I joined her, more grateful this year than usual. Yes, Mary is molding hope in my heart!

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[1] Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012), 60.

[2] Ibid

Entrustment to Mary = Seeing the Lesson in Potty Training

The Little One turned 4 years old a couple of weeks ago. She still wasn't potty trained and the siblings were getting pretty anxious about it. We had been dealing with the Little One’s extremely strong will for over a year on the issue. We tried a lot of logical book learned techniques and used the proper language. It didn't seem to help. One suggestion found on the Internet was to completely give up talking about it and wait until it came from her. It said that her need for independence was overcoming her ability to accept the idea if it was “our idea”. So, I went with this theory and shut up.

She turned 4 and nothing improved. I was still changing diapers. I was also going through a trial of faith with some health issues, which had my resistance down. My irritability levels were high and my patience levels were low. My weaknesses in all areas of life were shining brightly for not only me to see…but my whole household.

It was in this “hour of darkness” when the “miracle” took place.  It was morning and we headed upstairs to change her diaper. Ugh, I thought. We were out of diapers. I simply showed the Little One the empty bag. Her response? “It’s okay Mommy, I’ll wear underwear.” She knew where it was kept, picked a pair out, and put it on.  Of course I was thrilled, but skeptical just the same since we’ve gone down that road before. The real test was getting her to go in the potty!

As anticipated, she refused to go and held it for the rest of the morning, into the afternoon, through her dance class. When she refused to sit on the potty there, I was rushing home praying we could get there in time before an accident. And, we did. She made it and she went in the potty! The look of delight on her face as she practically screamed “Mommy! I’m a big girl now!”

Why am I sharing this story? Because it occurred to me that a person’s conversion can happen in an instant! I faith share with so many people and we spend hours, days, weeks, years worrying about the conversion of our children, nieces, nephews, husbands, wives, parents, siblings, friends…but we so often forget that conversion can come in a moment--just like how it happened for the Good Thief. That “moment” may not happen according to our plans, but when we put our trust in the GOD who IS, we can trust and have faith that it WILL happen. And, when we struggle with that kind of trust and/or faith…we can give it to Blessed Mother and beg Her to have the trust and faith in us and for us to move the mountains!

“You should assume an attitude of contrition and gratitude, especially in your relationships with others. Do you want to be a channel of grace for others? If so, then acknowledge that you are who is not. Contritely acknowledge your evil and be grateful for every grace that you experience. Then God will be able to pour out the most priceless of His gifts through you.” S.C. Biela, The Two Pillars, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2006), 85.