Entrustment to Mary = Viewing My Spouse Through God's Eyes

Our parish started up a Marriage Ministry group, which includes Date Nights once a month.  For my husband and I, this is wonderful - planned date nights on the last Friday of the month, with babysitting included on the parish grounds.  After dropping off our kids into the capable and caring hands of an adult couple and multiple teens, we are greeted next door by other team members with a tray of red or white wine.  The tables are set with care - candles, candies, gourmet snacks, prayer intention cards for the prayer tree.  A spread of delicious appetizers are offered before the program begins:  a speaker, table discussions and individual couple private prayer together.

I bring this up because although my husband and I were familiar with much of the material, one of the points was to take a look at how our marriage, and marriage in general, is reflected in the world.  For example, are we affectionate?  Are we joyful?  Do we support our spouse - in public?  Can those around us see our relationship as one of hope and joy and prayer?  Do they see the positive aspects of marriage, the beauty amidst the struggle?  The speaker asked us to even take a look at how we were sitting next to our spouse at that very moment.  Did we reflect unity? Joy?  Friendship?  In some ways, married couples were to blame for the many younger couples cohabitating instead of trusting in the grace and beauty of the Sacrament of Marriage.  What kind of example are married couples providing to the younger generation?  Are we bitter?  Complaining?  Critical?  How easily do we forgive and reflect God’s mercy to one another?

My husband and I are close to 19 years of marriage.  I am amazed at how well God chose my spouse for me.  He knew I needed someone who was lighthearted, prayerful, and brutally honest.  God saw to it that I could discover His forgiveness and patience and affection through my husband.  He brought me someone who can calm me, refocus me, and see the positive – God’s very loving Presence – in difficult situations.  It has taken these years for me to appreciate how God is loving me through my spouse.  So many times I am tempted to call my husband to an impossible standard of perfection.  Even after all these years, I am unfairly disappointed with his weaknesses.  God allows these weaknesses, of course, so that I do not make an idol out of my husband and continue to seek a deeper union with Himself. However, God also, in His great humor, has allowed me to experience so much more of my own weakness in order to soften the lens through which I view my husband.  I’ll share a few light examples: 

First, I have prided myself on my great memory.  In the workplace, my co-workers used to even comment that my memory was like a steel trap.  Recently, my husband received a jury duty summons, which I scanned and filed and marked on our calendar.  The evening he was to call in, I pulled out the summons, only to find out that I had completely forgotten to fill out the online survey within 10 days of receiving the notice (yes, me, as we have agreed that I would be in charge of paperwork in our household).  He was not in the system and therefore didn’t know whether he was to report the next morning or not.  Of course, the fine print warned of fines or jail time if one was not to report to jury duty.  He shrugged it off, and said he would call in the morning.  Even though he trusted me to keep him informed, he reflected God’s great mercy.  If the roles had been reversed, I would have freaked out completely! The situation humbled me greatly. 

Second, my husband, in his great exhaustion from his workload at his jobsite and at home, has taken on a deeper level of snoring.  So many nights I lay awake, irritated beyond belief, and wake up cranky and resentful for my lack of a good night’s sleep.  I prayed about my frustration, and do you know how God answered my prayers?  He allowed my husband to be awakened in the middle of the night by my snoring!  What?!  I don’t snore, usually, but, gratefully my husband found it funny, not annoying.  If my husband can accept my weaknesses with a sense of humor, I am more humbled and inclined to accept his. 

The longer we are married, the more I see the need for God’s grace to sustain us, encourage us, and bring us back to joy.  I am grateful for my entrustment to our Blessed Mama, because so many times I have called upon her to soften my heart and my words and my tone.  She is the one who helps me stand in truth when working out a disagreement with my husband.  She is the one who helps me ask for his forgiveness when needed. She is the one who can beg for repair for the damage I do with my careless tongue.  She is the one I turn to when I don’t feel like being affectionate or kind or want to watch his choice of movie.  She is the one who helps me love my husband in the ways in which He needs to be loved.  Basically, she is the one who protects our marriage from my ego, which happens to get in the way most of the time!

God has called us to a profound vocation – to be an instrument of His Love to our spouse and to reflect that love in the world. He has allowed us, weak and helpless, to partake in creation and build up His Church through our family life.  He has entrusted souls to us, for heaven’s sake!  I cannot nor do I want to handle this on my own.  Thank you, God, for the graces of this Sacrament that you continue to pour upon us and make available each and every day.  Thank you for trusting us, that in discovering our weaknesses, we discover our need for You.  With a tad more humility, perhaps the world and the younger generations can get a glimpse of Your great Presence within the Sacrament, and seek the graces for themselves with great hope and joy.

…Quite often it will simply be impossible to look at our spouses through the eyes of God.  However, we have to remember that what counts most of all is that we attempt to do this, not that we always succeed.  We need to humbly turn to God and beg Him to grant us the grace of looking at our spouses as if through His eyes.  We have to ask ourselves these questions: Are we doing this?  Are we asking God for such grace? Are we begging for Him to dwell in us, live in us, and use us as instruments in His relationship to our spouses?  (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd ed [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2011], 32.)

Entrustment to Mary = More than Baking Cookies!

The priest commented, “Wow, these Christmas cookies you made look amazing! I bet you put in a lot of time and effort to make them.”

“Yes!” I responded. “They have only the finest ingredients, and I used recipes that have been passed down for generations!”

“That sounds wonderful. So, did the process of preparing them draw you into a deeper relationship with Blessed Mother? Did you become more aware of Christ’s presence in your life while you baked them?”

“Hmm, to tell you the truth, I didn’t think much about that. I guess I didn’t think much about Christ while I baked them at all.”

The priest took the whole plate of cookies I had prepared him and tossed them into the trash can saying, “Then they are worth garbage!”

Harsh, you say? Well, this event didn’t actually happen to me, but something similar did to someone else and now I am the benefactor of her shock and amazement – as I have recently been shown through the example just how useless my actions can become when I am following my own will or acting as if God does not exist.

Each and every aspect of my day can either be full of me or full of GOD. I get to choose.

“The entire world is not worthy of a man’s thought, for this belongs to God alone; any thought, therefore, not centered on God is stolen from Him.” ~ St. John of the Cross, Maxims and Counsels

I have read this line from St. John of the Cross many times, but somehow the example of the cookies that are only worth garbage has drawn out the reality of what he was trying to say. All my actions are garbage if done without being focused on the One who created me, the One who saved me, the One who desires to fill me with His power and love.

Faced with this truth, what can I do? I am so immersed in my will that it seems impossible to believe I could ever fulfill the great command to love God with all my heart, with all my soul and with all my mind (cf. Mt 22:37). But, then I remember I am entrusted to Mother Mary. Jesus says to me again, “Behold, your mother” (Jn19:27).

Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer reminds us in his introduction to S. C. Biela's book God Alone Suffices that when faced with difficult situations, or what we perceive as impossible to change: “we can choose the way of faith, trusting that the endangerment is the opportunity leading us to Jesus, who controls the situation, or, on the Marian way, to Christ through Mary. If it is she who is in control, then we only need to find shelter under her mantle and already we become calm and safe.” (God Alone Suffices, p. xviii. Bold emphasis added.)

Our Lady of Guadalupe's words to St. Juan Diego can become the words she says to me:

Listen, put it into your heart,

my youngest and dearest [child],

the thing that afflicts you, is nothing.

Do not let your countenance,

your heart be disturbed. . . .

Am I not here, I, who am your Mother?

Are you not under my shadow and protection?

Am I not the source of your joy?

Are you not in the hollow of my mantle,

in the crossing of my arms?

Do you need anything more?

(Antonio Valeriano, “Nican Mopohua: Original account of Guadalupe,” in A Handbook on Guadalupe, ed. francis Mary Kalvelage, trans. Mario Rojas Sánchez and Janet Barber (New Bedford, MA: Academy of the Immaculate, 2001), 200. Italic and hard return emphasis added.)

Now, the Christ-mas cookies have value – more value in the garbage than on the plate. This Advent, instead of thinking of and hungering for cookies, I am asking my MOM to hunger in me and for me for what truly matters...Her Son. My Savior.

“Thank you God, for allowing me to see the truth about my weakness, and how that calls upon the abyss of your merciful love!”

Entrustment to Mary = Playing on the Lord's Day

My husband has been extremely busy lately, training for a ½ marathon, discerning a change in employment, visiting ailing parents, and balancing his “free” time with getting enough sleep and focusing on our 5 children and their needs and activities (and me, too, his wife!).  I have been carrying a heavier load, trying to balance his load out.   Needless to say, he agreed with me when I shared my desire for some time to myself.  Recently, after a busy week and busy Saturday, he suggested I take some time on Sunday, after Mass, while he took all the kids to visit his parents in the city. 

Although I appreciated his offer, I felt a tugging on my conscience about spending time by myself on a Sunday, especially one after we’d all been so busy and needed to reconnect.  I have been hearing through various spiritual readings and conversations how very important it is to honor the 3^rd Commandment: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  Just as God “rested” on the seventh day, we, too, need this day to rejuvenate and be renewed in God’s Love.  To just stop and reconnect with family.  To rest. To nap. To play.  To eat together. To visit. 

It was a moment of truly discerning God’s will for me, and my whole family.  As tempted as I was, I didn’t feel God was calling me to a day of shopping or the movies by myself.  After Mass, I decided to go with my family to the city to visit my in-laws.  At first I chose the visit out of guilt, trying to trust in God’s commandment, even though I didn’t “feel” like honoring it.  On the drive over, my husband suggested some sight-seeing with the kids before visiting his house-bound parents.  I perked up a bit, for as much time we spend in the city, most of it is spent in the living room of his parents. We arrived, and I have to say I was overwhelmed by God’s goodness and Love.  We had an amazing afternoon with our kids….walking by the beach and wharf, enjoying freshly baked bread, strolling through art museums, savoring chocolate sundaes.  The kids enjoyed all the people-watching, and we held hands throughout the day, enjoying each other’s company.  Afterwards, we visited their grandparents, and were pleasantly surprised by an aunt and cousin who also stopped by unexpectedly. 

By the end of the day, I was truly humbled by God’s generosity.  Not only did He arrange a very special outing, but He showed me once again how His ways far exceed my expectations, and how His ways bring much JOY.  I so often struggle with my old image of God, but He continues to be patient with me and reveals His all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing pure GOODNESS. 

Both our work and our leisure time are given to us so that we may deepen our bond with God and seek our support in Him.  If we try to see God and to seek His will in everything that He bestows upon us, then our time for rest will strengthen our faith in God’s omnipotent love. (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd ed. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2011] 18)

Thank you, God, for allowing me to see the truth about my weakness, and how it calls upon the abyss of Your merciful love. 

Entrustment to Mary = Giving Up Relying On My Bank Savings

I don't know if it is because my dad was a banker, but I have always had a tendency to put my security in our monetary savings. Being the "Scaredy Cat" that I am, has me shackled to fears of not having enough money to pay our bills. Yet, God has always been faithful in allowing us to cover our expenses.

 

I attended a retreat one time and the speaker said he was glad his sons did not have extra money to keep in a savings account, as he thought the boys would put their trust in the money saved instead of in God's helping hand. That struck a chord with me, as I have always put my trust in our savings, and in the extra cash I keep in our checking account, so that we have a surplus on which to depend.

 

Just this week my husband suggested we help our daughter with some debt she had accumulated while being out of a job. I had extra money in our checking account which I was collecting for our big property tax bill due in November. I was happy to be able to help our child, but I also had a twinge of uneasiness as I transferred the money over to her account. It was a wake-up call showing me just how attached I am to the security I place in money. Another alarm is my apprehension over my husband's approaching retirement date at the end of this year, fearing we will be limited due to a fixed income.

 

How do our savings serve us? It seems that they constitute an 'accumulation of manna', becoming an illusory source of security that prevents us from relying on God and His will. If we allow our reliance on these surpluses to replace our faith in God - and such is our human nature - then we are living an illusion. In contrast, when we lack savings, we are forced to live from day to day, and by necessity, we have to rely more on God. The way in which we readily rely on surpluses reveals the feebleness and fragility of our faith. Such weak faith is unable to protect us from fears and anxiety about the future.

 

When we gradually begin to lose our illusory reliances, which up to this point have been the main source of our security, we will be convinced that there is no need for us to have so many surpluses. Then, to our amazement, we will discover that we become happier when we are poorer. S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3rd ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011) 25.

 

So, I have another reason to entrust myself to my Blessed Mother. She trusted in God and His will, not in worldly security. I need to allow her to lead me to letting go of my reliance on money, and to grow in trust in Her Son to take care of me and my family - as He has always done. The money belongs to God, and He has been very generous in sharing it with us so far - but even if He takes away the surpluses, it sounds like I would become happier, and that is a much better feeling than being afraid!

 

 

 

 

 

Entrustment to Mary = Focusing on My Children Being Loved, Not Improved

‘Tis the season of graduations/promotions/awards ceremonies!  Playoffs, end-of-season parties, final exams.  On the one hand, I celebrate, but on the other, I find myself getting caught up in desiring the successes of the world for my children.  As a frequenter of Facebook, I find myself nearly hyperventilating as I struggle with comparing my children to those posted on-line with all of their accomplishments.  I see children getting awards, giving speeches, making all-star teams, going off to college, getting scholarships…etc.  What’s a mother to do?

Growing up, I desired to succeed in school.  Most likely because it was the one area I had “control” over.  I wasn’t outgoing socially, was physically small for my age, and just average in terms of athletics and musical ability.  I could, however, determine how well-prepared I was for an exam, how well I paid attention in class, how much time I spent on writing a paper. I also wanted to please my parents with my accomplishments, and thus developed extremely high standards for myself.  In hindsight, I see this all linked to how I viewed my own value.  Back in high school, I was not graced with the awareness of seeing myself as a beloved child of God, loved as I am.  No, it was more about growing in my own perfection so that I would be lovable. 

What is our reaction to the disappointments in the lives of our children?  Our usual reaction is to not accept these disappointments, a response that arises from our inability to accept our own failures.  Then unfortunately, when our children undergo failures, we neglect to provide the love for which they hunger and yearn. (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd Ed. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2012], 38-39.)

It is so very tempting to go back to my old ways of thinking and viewing the world.  I am so very fortunate to be reminded, as needed, to look at the world through the eyes of faith!  I am definitely most blessed through this spirituality of communion of life with Christ through His Blessed Mama. Recently I was sharing with a priest about my struggles with my high expectations of my children.  The following insights came from our discussion:  “Yes, you have imperfect kids.  If you [Control Freak] are a repeat offender against the Love of God, why are surprised if your children fall? Instead of criticizing them, be merciful to them and to yourself.  Find new ways to convince them of the merciful Love of the Father.  Otherwise, they will become withdrawn.  Don’t tense up when things/challenges/disappointments occur, but set a certain tone about the beauty of life.  It is not about ‘improving’ your children, but encouraging a genuine relationship with Jesus!  Then, leave the results up to God.”

Yes, leave the results up to God. 

If, as mothers and fathers, we really want to rely on God, then we will do whatever it takes to fulfill in our children what is important for them.  We will want them always and everywhere to believe that God loves them forever and unconditionally, regardless of whether they are successful in a particular field or experience repeated failures…

As long as parents rely on their son or daughter to fulfill their own expectations, they paralyze the child.  The only rescue is to seek reliance on God, undertaking this battle in order to convince their child about the unconditional love of the Heavenly Father.  Then the child will be able to learn how to get up after each fall, listen to the Creator, and enter into a dialog with Him.  When the teenager becomes convinced of the unconditional love of God, he will want to seek God’s will and be obedient to Him. (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd Ed. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2012], 38, 39.)

Entrustment to Mary = Surrendering to the Unknown

I recently developed some unusual physical symptoms that led me to seek a doctor. It took 2 months to finally make the appointment – trust issues, mostly. I wanted a doctor that was recommended or at least had a good reputation in the area of specialty I needed. Everyone who was recommended to me was not accepting new patients, and so my symptoms persisted. I did a lot of research on my own and was pretty sure my self-diagnosis was spot on. All I needed was a doctor to verify it and give me the correct remedy to heal it. Meanwhile, friends shared having similar symptoms and gave various advice that I did or did not take depending on how I viewed their expertise and/or how much I agreed with their approaches.

Eventually, I picked a doctor our insurance covered, with no recommendations or reviews, because he was available in the time frame that interested me. I started to pray for this visit. I prayed that the doctor would get to the bottom of things and that Blessed Mother would use him as an instrument in her hands.  The appointment was quick and sweet and I was scheduled for a full-blown analysis of my insides. Another two weeks to wait, but answers were being sought and I could live with my symptoms for that much longer.

The day before my big exam I started to have trials of imagination. My self-diagnosis faded in the background and a scary, more serious condition seemed inevitable.  I started to wonder if I could live with the bad news. After all, why shouldn’t I receive bad news? I am on various prayer chains and I know that bad things are happening all the time to people just like me.  I melted that afternoon. In tears I ran to my room and started to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet. I was begging my Mommy (Blessed Mother) to help me. I didn’t know God’s will, but I knew that I wouldn’t have a chance of accepting it without her helping me. Without her carrying me through it and obtaining for me the graces necessary to carry my cross.  As soon as the chaplet was over, a peace came upon me. I was reassured that I was not alone and that I did not have to bear the burden on my own. I was reassured that without Christ, I would foil all of God’s plans for my life, but that with Him all things are possible (cf. Jn 15:5, Mt 19:26, and Lk 1:37).

How easy it is for me to run to Blessed Mother when it comes to my physical/mental suffering. In these areas I find it easier to fall to my knees and NEED my Mother.  But, when it comes to the spiritual things…how long do I wait?  When symptoms of my sinfulness pop up do I start planning my trip to the “doctor?”  Do I start by making an appointment to talk to my spiritual father, confessor or spiritual mentor? Or do I start by self-diagnosing my motivations? Do I choose first to go to the Internet or to rely on my interpretations of the writings of the saints? When faith-sharing with others about their paths and experiences, do I seek only someone who will agree with me, or do I listen to the Spirit in and through my spiritual friends? Do I pray for my spiritual father to have the graces to properly diagnose me?

In the end, do I see that when it comes to spiritual things I have no other choice than to accept my lack of knowing – my blindness – my NEED for Mother Mary? 

Usually I exhaust all human problem-solving attempts before I drop to my knees in the spiritual life.  What a waste of time! Blessed Mother is waiting for me at the beginning of my recognizing the symptoms. In fact, couldn’t it be that she is the one helping me to see the symptoms in the first place? Since living life in communion with Christ through Mary, I have the grace to know that she is waiting for me right now! I don’t even have to get trapped in sin when I remember to go to her so that she can remind me of all her Son can do for me.  Running to my room, falling to the floor, I can beg her right away to carry me through my spiritual trials, to obtain the graces necessary for me to carry my crosses.  Wow! Thanks MOM. Thanks for your “yes” to helping me obtain Heaven. Thank you for your “yes” in loving me with all the truth about me. Thank you for assuring me that without Christ, I will foil God’s plans for my life – but with Him, all things are possible.

As we discover each new symptom of the sickness of our soul, we have to bring it to Christ, our Divine Physician, who is the only one upon whom our hope rests. If we called upon Him each time to liberate and heal us, we quite possibly would not have to be sick. By His suffering on the Cross, Jesus redeemed not only the sins that we commit, but also the sins from which He prevents us. (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3rd. ed. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011], 146.)

Entrustment to Mary = Learning Simplicity from a Child

The last few early mornings I've been woken up by the Little One crawling into bed needing to be held. “HUG ME!” she says.  I usually have to roll over to face her, and I sleepily put my arm around her. She much prefers the two armed hold, but will accept my attempt, especially if it’s still dark outside.  If I’m too asleep to respond, she has no trouble waking up my husband with the same demand. It has got me thinking…how much do I need to be held by Blessed Mother?

The spirituality of Communion of Life with Christ through Mary emphasizes childlike trust and humility. I have come to believe that one of my Little One’s roles is to teach me the proper disposition to have in front of my Mother and ultimately, my Father in Heaven.

So my reflection and prayer today is what does MOM (Blessed Mother) want to share with me through the Little One’s desire for being held?

It is in the mornings, when the Little One finds herself alone and in the dark, that she seeks out my arms or my husband’s, but not only then. She asks to go to sleep in our arms too. During the day, she comes to us regularly asking to be held. If the walk is too long, she starts stretching her arms high, whining “hold me!”  When she gets a boo-boo, she runs to share the news with us…hoping for kisses and hugs. When she eats, she prefers to sit on our lap. When she is cold and/or tired, she snuggles into our embrace. I find she seeks me out when she is bored, and/or when I am distracted – wanting to make sure I still remember she is there. She runs to us to share her good news, as well as her bad news. She comes when she doesn’t understand something, and/or when she finally gets it! She often seeks out our arms at the Holy Mass – when she is overwhelmed by her lack of patience and/or distractions. 

Entrustment to Mary, submission to her, and being in her arms are your source of life. Outside of these arms everything appears to be threatening, the world seems hostile, and you encounter the worst things. And it would be so if Mary did not pick you up, embrace, cuddle, and hold you within her merciful arms. (S.C. Biela, The Two Pillars, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2006], 77.)

And, what does MOM want to tell me through the Little One’s desire NOT to be held?

It is always when the Little One wants to exert independence that she doesn’t seem interested in being held. When we pick her up to keep her from something is when she flies out of our arms quickest. She screams when her siblings pick her up and won’t let her down – when she feels trapped and when it isn’t her will. She stays away from us when she wants to be in control, or when she doesn’t trust us.

The words, I am afraid to turn everything over to God, hurt like a slap in the face because they are as if you were saying to God, I don’t trust You; I do not know what You are going to do to me. … Distrust, in a certain way, is worse than sin because it is the root and the source of sin. If you do not want to trust, if your enemy is able to engraft distrust in your heart, then consequences will have to follow – fear, the feeling of being threatened, and the suffering associated with it.  Only through the consequences of this evil will you see how far you have strayed. … You will continue to carry the burden of fear until you are converted, until you become like a child who simply entrusts himself into his loving father’s arms. “A patient should be treated for as long as it takes until he learns to pray,” wrote L. Szondi. This does not refer to repeating simple prayers. It refers to an attitude of deep prayer, the trusting prayer of a child who surrenders himself fully into the arms of the Father. (Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012], 63.)

Childlike trust and humility, what does it mean for me?

I guess, in simplicity, it means I need MOM’s arms always:

The arms of Mary, where we can find security and happiness, are in reality the arms of God Himself, who completely permeates the one whom the Church calls the Vessel of the Holy Spirit. (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3rd. ed. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011], 137.) 

©2012-2013 CyanoScarlet

Entrustment to Mary = Sobering Up

I was reminiscing today about a previous stage in my spiritual life when I was given an abundance of drawing graces, defined as graces given to me to draw me into relationship with Jesus and Mary. I remember feeling spiritually “intoxicated”! Everything seemed so easy – meditating, reading spiritual books, turning off the TV, sitting at Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament, praying the rosary.  These graces were heavenly and I “drank” them up! The more the better! I could talk for hours into the night with other spiritual friends on the same “high” as me! 

Looking back, I have to laugh at myself. My reaction was definitely not that of Elizabeth’s: “And how does this happen to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?” (Lk 1:43). No, I think I must have subconsciously imagined I deserved it somehow. My reaction was more like the Pharisee who saw when someone else WASN’T praying! In my intoxication, everyone else’s “exterior” spiritual life was magnified and obviously needed fixing! And, what was worse was that I often doubted my dear ones could convert!

My White-washed Tomb!

Oh, to waste such beautiful graces! But, it is true. I did. I used God’s drawing graces against Him by living as if I was the master of these graces, up on my pedestal of “holiness” looking down on everyone else as if on their own they should be able to do more to grow in faith. It was so deeply subconscious that it is only now that I see it – over 10 years later.

But, praise God for His master plans and for HIS MERCY! Eventually the drawing graces were limited, and more and more “humble pie” was served to me! The drawing graces were special and needed – without them, I may never have started a prayer life or seen the value in all the Church has to offer. Without all the grace from that time in my life in which I grew quickly in relationship with Christ through Mary, I may not have survived the deeper misery they wanted to show me. During the necessary stage of initial conversion I wasn’t getting the full message of how tremendously God loves.

Now I understand better why it is so emphasized in our spirituality to look upon my dear ones as the saints they WILL BE in Heaven, and not to view them in the “stages” of spiritual life I think they are in. Just as I was drawn by grace into relationship with my Savior and His Mother, why should I doubt that my dear ones will have the same opportunity? WE (Mary and I) believe that my conversion and deeper realization of how I am loved as I am will benefit those around me more than my words, persuasions, or judgments.

“Therefore, we should always look upon our dear ones, as well as those who are away from the faith, as God looks upon them in His mercy. God looks at them as saints, even though they may convert in a year, maybe in ten years, or even – as in the case of the good thief – only at the last hours of their lives. “ (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011), 41.)

“The person who concentrates on God and on fulfilling His will does not get too discouraged by his own failures, even when it comes to testifying to the truth. If others are not open to his words, his arguments, or his attitude, he tries to remember that faith is a grace, which these people perhaps have not yet received. Also, when he sees that he himself continually forgets about the truths pertaining to interior life, and when he does not see any of the fruits of his interior struggles, he tries to remember that God, in order to realize His will, can hide these fruits from him.” (S.C. Biela, Behold, IStand at the Door and Knock (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 59.)

Entrustment to Mary = Scooped Up While Running Away

This past week I experienced a somewhat “near-death” experience of my two year old.  I thought our house was well baby-proofed, and the stairs were properly gated.  On my daughter’s first day of preschool, we ran upstairs to quickly fix her hair in pigtails, only to discover that my little monkey found his way upstairs via the 2-inch outer ledge of the railing. There he was, grinning as he held on to the vertical posts on the OUTSIDE of the banister.  It was one of those slow-motion moments, my heart pounding in fear, hoping he would hang on in time for me to quickly snatch him up before he let go, falling from the second story. 

If he senses he’s done something mischievous, he usually bolts in the opposite direction.  So, I falsely praised his acrobatics, and approached him without rushing.  It seemed to take forever to walk those four or five steps toward him!  I was shaking like a leaf while my daughter and I hugged him and praised God, thanking Him and my son’s guardian angel for the gift of their protection. 

But when all was said and done, what was God trying to tell me? 

Lately I have been made aware of many parents’ struggles and trials with the deaths or illnesses of their children.  Why did God spare my child?  I had recently been wondering why my life has been so “easy” and feared that “my turn” was coming.  And yet – for now – God has been so very gentle with me. 

I am reminded of a quote from God Alone Suffices by S.C. Biela: 

Seeing our inability to accept various difficulties, our Lord lowers the intensity of our purification process.  This should be a very visible sign for us that we are still opposing the working of grace in our lives.  The reason for this is our lack of trust.  The person who lacks trust closes the gates of his own heart and does not want to rely on God in everything.

(S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd Ed. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2012], 108.)

I see that my faith is so very lacking.  This scare is a most precious reminder that I am in need of trusting that God alone is indeed enough.  I sense a need to be grateful for, and yet unattached to, His gifts. I am reminded that God is merciful and is drawing me to Himself.  It is a slow process.  At times, I am so very afraid.  This Control Freak is in dire need of her Mama.  If I sense that I am doing something mischievous/sinful, I want to bolt in the opposite direction of God, just like my two-year-old son. I am too weak to trust.  I am too self-absorbed. So I praise God for this spirituality.  I would be so very lost without it.  With Our Mother, I trust that I will be rescued.  How beautiful that she will approach me slowly and gently, allowing me to handle this spirituality step by step.  Only with Her will I truly trust that God loves me as I am.

LISTEN AND PUT IT IN YOUR HEART,

MY CHILD, SMALLEST OF ALL, THAT

IT IS NOTHING THAT FRIGHTENED

OR AFFLICTED YOU.  LET NOT WORRY

PERTURB YOUR FACE, YOUR HEART…

AM I NOT HERE, I WHO AM YOUR

MOTHER?  ARE YOU NOT BENEATH

MY SHADOW AND PROTECTION?

AM I NOT THE SOURCE OF YOUR

HAPPINESS?  ARE YOU NOT IN THE

HOLLOW OF MY MANTLE, IN THE

CROSSING OF MY ARMS?

DO YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE?

(words of Our Lady of Guadalupe to St. Juan Diego)[1]

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[1] Nican Mopohua [Aqui se narra] escrito en Nahuatl por Don Antonio Valeriano-Traduccion del Nahuatl al Espanol, trans. Fr. Mario Rojas Sanchez (Mexico:  Los Libros Hacen/Edamex, 1990), trans. Ramon Pedrosa, “nican Mopohua.”  http://www.emc.com.ph.monpedp/nicantext.html

Why I'm Entrusted to Mary, Mother of God - Reason 3: Bad Eyesight

I come from a line with bad eyesight. I’ve needed corrective lenses since I was in grade school and all of my children have followed suit.  I just removed my glasses from my face and the computer screen, only two feet away, turned into a fuzzy blur of colors. To put it into perspective, I zoomed my page to 500% and, while I could then make out where a word starts and stops at that zoom, each letter was still blurry and individual letters were not sharp enough to know for sure which letter it was.

Needless to say, I am extremely grateful for my glasses! Without them, I would live in a world of grayness, I would have constant headaches, and I would miss most of the details of the third dimension!  

Not only do I have poor visual eyesight, but I am practically blind when it comes to my eyes of faith. This is exactly why I am completely and utterly grateful for my entrustment to Blessed Mother! Before my entrustment, I spent my days living as if God didn’t even exist.  All I could “see” was how I or my dear ones felt, and how I or my dear ones were affected by our immediate environment. I then reacted to those events as if I could control them; change them to make us all feel good again. This led to living in a gray world (full of anxiety), suffering constant headaches (following my daily bout with tears), and missing most of the details of the spiritual dimension.

I guess it was no wonder the Good Lord had to pound so heavily on the door of my heart. He pounded with events that just couldn’t be fixed with my will, nor understood with my poor mind. Because of my blindness, I “tripped” over the attempted suicide of one of my close friends, then I “pounded into the wall” of my father-in-law’s sudden death…but it wasn’t until I “fell flat on my face” with my third miscarriage that I went to the Divine Physician to admit my blindness! 

How in need I was for so long, yet trying to deal with it all by myself. I looked like I was a religious person on the outside – attending Church, reading spiritual books – but I was so unaware of God’s Presence in my every day, ordinary and extraordinary events. Thanks to Blessed Mother, my eyes are being opened to His Presence more and more each day. Now, when I stub my toe on a stool I can’t see in the middle of the night because my eye glasses are off, I immediately “reach” for my spiritual glasses and say “Oh, MOM! Be my gratitude for this humiliation!” Together, WE (Blessed Mom and I) say, “All is grace.”[1]

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[1] “If we look at the world through the eyes of faith, we will notice that our Creator is present in everything, and that this is the presence of Love – our only authentic reliance.” S.C. Biela, GodAlone Suffices, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011), 115.

Entrustment to Mary = Be Not Afraid

I have been full of fears my whole life. As a youngster I was afraid of the dark and when going to bed I  would ask my sister if I could put my hand on her bed, or if she would turn and look my way so I could fall asleep. I carried on this way until in Jr. High, when God gave me the grace to recognize that He would take care of me and I need not be afraid but only to entrust my fear of the dark to Him. 

 

As I grew older my fear switched to people. I fear offending others – like not telling my relatives and friends that their lives would be so much easier if they returned to practicing their Catholic faith. I fear conflict with others – like not suggesting to the coaches through the years that Sundays should be a day of rest for our daughter athletes. I fear opposition with others – so I refrain from speaking up for the unborn against abortion. The worse products of these fears are that they lead me to silently deny my God, my Savior and my faith. 

The following quote is from the book, God Alone Suffices, which speaks to this subject, and tells how in reality the only fear I should have is the fear of God. For me it answered my anxieties with common sense truths:

After all, everything depends on our God. Our respect and praise belong only to Him – this is what we call a fear of God. When this fear of God is missing in us, we give an exaggerated value and our praise and respect to less important things – the situations and circumstances that should always be secondary when confronted with the action of God. We are afraid of people and their rules, which in our thinking govern the world, instead of fearing only God, whose will is necessary for all things to happen.

Because of human regard, we become stagnant and discouraged when we are faced with difficulties, circumstances that we consider as unfriendly winds preventing us from achieving our goal. We forget that there are only two scenarios: either God wants these difficulties, for reasons that we do not have to know, or at least He allows them to happen.

Perhaps He allows these difficulties to show us how much we lack faith? Our connections toward people and the different ‘rules of the game’ invented by them is a form of idolatry because we are either too afraid of them, or we adore them without any reservations. In this way we disregard our Almighty God. If our hearts properly feared God, if we sought reliance on our Lord and Creator in every situation, then a certain distance would be generated in us toward the illusory calculations of our minds, which are not enlightened by faith.

S. C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011), 132. Used with permission.

I seek rescue from my fears through God’s grace and entrustment to the Blessed Mother. When feeling intimidated I remember She holds me in Her arms - and remind myself what She once asked St. Juan Diego:

(c) In the Arms of Mary Foundation 

I believe I will always have a fear of people, for this weakness helps me entrust myself to the Blessed Mother – reminding me that ONLY with Her will I have the proper fear of God; and ONLY with Her can I be a confident believer - who gives less attention to human regard – for She knows that God is in charge and that He is the only One who first and foremost deserves my interest, praise, and respect.

Why I’m Entrusted to Mary, Mother of God - Reason 2

Because, on my own, I won't run for last! 

An expression used by those trying to live the spirituality of communion of life with Christ through Mary is “I’m running for the last place.”[1] There was an image drawn to depict the saying which shows this very happy runner going downhill passing three very serious, tired uphill runners. 

I'm running for the last place!

When I first tried to intellectualize this expression I really struggled. I couldn’t figure out what it meant – running for last place…is that even possible? And what seemed the most impossible for me was that I would do it smiling.  Discovering my misery before my entrustment equated to self-focused crying, not smiling.  

Blessed Mother is carrying me there.

That’s where Mary, my Beloved Mommy, has helped me so much! Because She is carrying me, I don’t have to rely on myself to pick the right direction – up, down, left, right…is that good, bad,  right or wrong?  She instead tries to keep me focused on the truth that God loves me as I am--the loser and the bungler, or as my ego really rejects – the LAST!

Realizing I’m the last, and rejoicing in this truth is the goal (cf. 2 Cor 9:12). The events in my life are helping me achieve this goal. Before entrustment if I saw my misery, I either hated myself for it or I saved my pride by blaming others, or the circumstances, for my ill behavior. Since entrustment, when I see my misery, WE (Mary and I) desire to remember that this is who God loves: a sinner in need of His mercy.[2]

For example, a couple of days ago I was reading to the Little One the story of St. Thérèse the Little Flower. In it there was a passage about how St. Thérèse, when she was a toddler, threw temper tantrums. It mentioned that her mother was loving and patient with her and helped her to desire to please Jesus.[3] I immediately started dreaming of how I could teach my child this way too. No sooner had these dreams come to my mind, the Little One locked herself into my bedroom where she was going to take a nap. I reacted by screaming like a lunatic for her to unlock the door. My outrageous screaming (or should I say temper tantrum?) didn’t put the proper fear of God into her, but the fear of her mother’s wrath! So, of course, she didn’t open the door. I was totally insulted – proving how much I want to be first. "Loving and patient," I was not.  Blessed Mother allowed me to experience who I am.[4] In a very gentle way, She wanted to show me that I need her to teach me to desire to please Jesus!

Who am I? I am Blessed Mother’s beloved bungler. What did this event help me to understand? That I need a Savior. It made me desire that Christ would live in me. And for that WE are truly grateful!

S.C. Biela helped me to understand this in his book God Alone Suffices:

This process of purification is described in the words of Jesus: “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me!” (Mk 8:34). Indeed, we have to deny ourselves in order to undergo the process of purification from our pride of good impressions about ourselves. This indicates the need to take up the cross of truth about ourselves, and imitate Jesus so that we will desire to be the last–to run for the last place here on earth.³²

We cannot forget that Jesus, though being first, became the last. In this way, he has shown us how we should relate toward everything. In this way, he has shown us what the spirit of this world offers us, and he has revealed to us our attachments to our own ‘perfection’. He took upon himself our wretchedness and the sinfulness of our attachments. He waits, however, for us to come after him so as to fully take advantage of the sacrifice that he offered for us. He expects that in order to imitate him we will try to lose everything and everybody, which includes the prideful notions that we are good.

This race for the last place on earth is meant to shape us into persons who will consciously and voluntarily assume and admit, in the posture of the poor in spirit, that we are nothing and that we await everything from God. It is only such a person who will try to desire this one thing: that he will not live, but that Christ will live in him. In this way the grain can gradually die.

³² Charles de Foucauld, in his notes from the retreat in Nazareth (November 5-15, 1897), says: “For me, to seek always the last of the last places.” This confession is as an echo of a sentence which he had heard soon after his conversion during a sermon given by his spiritual director, Father Huvelin: “Jesus has so taken the last place that no one has ever been able to wrest it from him.” Father Huvelin, Sermons, March 1887 quoted by Jean-Jacques Autier, Charles de Foucauld, trans. Julia Shirek Smith (San Francisco, CA Ignatius Press, 1999), 152, 105.

S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011), 108.  Used with permission.

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[1] Rev. Andrzej Buczel, Ph.D, (1951-1994) co-founder of the Families of Nazareth Movement.

[2] “Why do we not truly lay our life before Him, including our incapability to believe and to pray? This is already an act of worship: when we truly say “Kyrie eleison,” when we truly cry out to God from the depth of our wretchedness, this is acknowledgement of what we are, and who He is; it is the adoration for His glory.” Translated from Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, Dogma und Verkündigung (Dogma and Preaching), p. 123 f.

[3] Cf. Marie Baudouin-Croix, St. Thérèse of Lisieux And the “little way” of love (Boston, MA: Pauline Books & Media, 1999), 11.

[4] In case you are wondering, I was able to unlock the door within a short time, and no physical harm came to the Little One.