Our Lady and St. Juan Diego

Our Lady and St. Juan Diego

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Entrustment to Mary = Giving Up The Steering Wheel

I never really realized that I was a control freak until recently.  I was raised in a Catholic home, went to Catholic schools.  I went to Mass and followed Catholic teachings without any doubts.  I now see that I had participated in the Sacraments out of a sense of duty and responsibility.  Growing up, I always felt the need to be “good”, to avoid getting into trouble.  I felt I was loved when I was perfect.  I struggled (and still do) with “guilt” and “earning” God’s and my parents’ love.  On the outside it may have appeared that I was “good”, that I loved God.  But I was serving Him out of responsibility, not out of a response to His Love for me.

I had my own ideas of how I was going to “control”/plan my life….get married, work for two years to get my CPA license, and then get pregnant, quit my job and be a stay at home mom. 

Gradually, God wanted to let me know our relationship could be so much more than what I had limited it to in my mind. 

Early on, I knew that I wanted to be a mother someday.  Before we were married, my husband and I had talked about wanting to raise a family.  We didn’t talk about when exactly, but we were excited to have children of our own.

I think at that point God had to “lovingly” (even though it did not seem that way at the time) show me that only His will would be bring me joy, and that only if I trusted in HIS timing and planning would I really grow in my faith.

We did conceive around the timeframe I planned, but later miscarried. And we continued to miscarry. 

I was depressed and challenged to truly trust God and His plan for us.  At that point in my life, I understood what “begging” meant.  I was faced with the reality that I was not in control.  I learned that I had trust issues.  It seemed easy to trust in God up to that point in my life - when everything had been going according to my plan so far, when I gave myself credit for everything good in my life.  Now I know better.  Now I am seeing that all is grace. 

God was calling me to a deeper, more genuine faith.  I am learning that faith is my trust in God when things are dark as well as light; when I do not have full understanding, but trust that God will take care of me and lead me to Himself in the most gentle and loving way possible. 

He continues to show me that I am a control freak by nature…and He also continues to invite me to trust Him over and over again. I am always so tempted to hold so tightly to the reins of my daily life, but the Blessed Mother rescues me and shows me the freedom that comes when I let go and allow my Creator to love me in the way only He can.

(Oh, and as proof that God is merciful AND has a sense of humor – my husband and I are now the parents of FIVE beautiful kids.)

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