I recently heard a twist on the familiar Scripture quote “for we walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7) It is: “for we walk by faith, not by mood.” Now there’s something to think about. I don’t think of myself as a moody person – as long as things are going just the way I want them! Yes, this is Control Freak once again, a small, helpless, self-centered child who has so very much to learn.
Seriously, one of the things I’ve noticed about myself lately is that I can seem hospitable, generous, kind….as long as it is on my terms, in my timing. Recently a good friend came to visit with her small children. I welcomed them with good food, fresh sheets, a listening ear, a dip in the pool with popsicles on a lazy summer evening. I was happy to have good conversation and time to re-connect. That is, until I needed them to leave so I could prepare our family for a long trip. I was so disappointed with myself at the lack of charity in my thoughts. I started to get anxious about all the errands I needed to run, the laundry and ironing, the to-do-list items to cross off. Seriously, my friend traveled so far to visit, and yet I was again thinking of myself, not of God’s will in this moment. Fortunately I have learned to pray as a beggar from this spirituality. I felt so helpless to change my attitude on my own. I begged God that my ugly thoughts would be hidden from my friend. I begged Him that I would have charity in my heart to extend most purely to my guests. Only God knows whether she felt my anxiety and lack of hospitality. And only He can repair the damage that I cause with my self-centeredness.
I see once again my need for Blessed Mama to forever purify my intentions and actions to give honor and glory to our Father. I see how very moody I am. I see that my desire to do God’s will is so lacking, as I become aware of my personal desires to be comfortable or in control. I see how cranky I become when things don’t go according to my plan just like a two-year-old. I see my honest-to-goodness need for this spirituality, especially during these moments of self-awareness that aren’t so pretty. I am again reminded of God’s love for me, as I am, as a moody child. Thank you, God, for allowing me to see the truth about my weaknesses, and how they call upon the abyss of Your merciful love. And please, God, I ask for the grace to walk by faith, no matter the mood, in the arms of my Mother.
Mary, carry me in your arms like your own child. Please allow me to become light like a balloon carried by the wind of the Holy Spirit, docile to carrying out God’s will and free from attachments. I do not want to know where this Divine Wind comes from or to where it will carry me. I do not want to impose my own plans and visions on God. I want to be docile like you. (S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 146.)