Entrustment to Mary = Not Alone in Loneliness

My young daughter and I had a rare opportunity to go out to dinner together after a late doctor’s appointment.  I was so grateful for the opportunity, as she was able to share how she felt about middle school.  While she seems to have adjusted quite well, she experiences bouts of rejection and loneliness, especially during PE where she feels her athletic ability falls short.  She shared with me how the “cool” kids classify others, and in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, reject other students with their looks, comments, and exclusion.  My heart went out to her.  I remember those awkward days, and so I tried to encourage her with stories of my own.  She lit up as she recounted a story of St. Therese of Lisieux, whose close friend left town, and years later upon her return, acted as though she had never known Therese at all.  We spent some time trying to figure out why God might be allowing the situation, and how He could be drawing her closer to Himself.  We left our dinner feeling a bit closer to one another, as well as to our Savior, Who can allow such loneliness to bring us closer to Him. 

That same week, my son seemed unusually quiet and moody.  I prompted him to share with me what might be bothering him, and he, too, was struggling at school.  He had found himself in the midst of some conflicts and was feeling a bit rejected.  My motherly instinct was to turn into a mama bear and have a word, if you will, with these peers of his. But, (thank you, God) because of this spirituality, I was able to walk him through the difference between God’s will and God allowing an event in order to draw out some greater good.  I encouraged him to look at the event as God trying to tell him something, and that, perhaps, this really had nothing to do with the goings-on at middle school.  Perhaps God is knocking more loudly at the door of his heart?  Perhaps without the conflict, my son could feel confident and secure and see no need for a Savior? 

Which leads to my week.  I found myself feeling lonely.  Sure, I have some acquaintances, some fellow moms to chat with during the drop off at school.  But all around me, people were making plans and playdates and I just felt left out.  I later took my kids to the park, and all around me were groups of kids and their mothers celebrating the start of the long weekend.  Still later, when our family was at a gathering, faith sharing with a group of fellow church families, the discussion felt shallow.  We have been in this “new” city for close to three years now, and I still miss my old friends dearly.  I find myself struggling to make decent conversation. I even had the occasion to meet with close family friends for a BBQ, only to experience what felt like forced conversation when we used to share more laughter and openness.  I turned to my husband later that evening and thanked him, truly, for being my friend! 

Last week I had a chance to meet with my spiritual director and I was able to share that even with God I feel lukewarm.  It was my turn to write the blog post for over two weeks, and I couldn’t even connect with people behind a screen!  Fortunately I was encouraged to see this as a pruning of sorts.  I was encouraged to trust God’s mysterious ways with faith and simplicity.  I was encouraged to go to the Word of God and our Mother more quickly and consistently.  Who knew that the advice I gave to my children was the very same words of encouragement I’d need to hear myself?  God and His sense of humor….

So, I leave you and me with these promising words about loneliness…

No one, however, experienced so strongly the depths of poverty or understood it as well as Mary.  Therefore, we can always ask her to accept loneliness in us.  Otherwise, we will either always fearfully run away from this grace, or we will suffer a painful defeat by summoning up our own strength to make attempts to control loneliness….

…After Pentecost, in silence and solitude, Mary accompanied the birth of the Church as its Mother.  Because Mary is the Mother of the Church, it is so important for us to be open to her action in us.  It is crucial that we hand ourselves over to her and to everything that God wants to accomplish in our souls through her.  On our own, we will not accept the grace of loneliness.  We will either fear it, or we will try to take control of it.  Such a response only ends in defeat.  (S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 186, 187).

Entrustment To Mary = Simply Loving vs. Fixing

I was privileged to have my daughter and her newborn baby come spend a week at our home. Our goal was to have the preemie gain back the weight she had lost since birth, and to rid her of the lingering jaundice. Being a mom I was determined to fix these problems, with the goal of having my granddaughter thrive during her visit. God had other plans...

 

That particular week I was covering for my coworker, so I was out of the house from 7AM to 5:30PM. Although I gave clear instructions to daughter and grandpa to make sure the baby sunbathed in front of a window for good amounts of time to help clear the jaundice, it seemed to take a few days for this direction to be carried out.

 

The nursing had turned into a scientific equation = milliliters + ounces + pumping + syringes. Too many doctors were involved with each one offering their expert advice on how our little one could gain weight. It was quite overwhelming for the new mom, the old mom, not to mention the baby.  Her first weigh-in had her down an ounce. The next weigh-in had her up two ounces. But the in-between was filled with anxiety, stress, and a few conflicts.

 

As I watched my daughter struggle with her new vocation of motherhood, I so wanted to relieve her of her stresses and make all things right. I wanted to fix her problems so she could once again be happy and content. But as the week progressed and I failed at achieving these objectives, I realized I just needed to love her.

 

It was hard to give over my desire to control the situation. What helped me was reflecting on how the Blessed Mother accompanied her Son on the way to Calvary but did not take the Cross from him. I had to beg Blessed Mom to help me remain quietly in Her arms and to allow Her to love and guide my daughter, and for Her to take care of the baby.

 

"Jesus carried the Cross before the presence of His mother. She did not try to carry it with Him physically - she knew that the will of God was otherwise. Did she not want to help Him at that moment? Did she not love Him then? She knew that the best way of helping Christ was in fulfilling the will of God. And God wanted the Mother of His Son to help Him in a way that was spiritual and not physical. She fully respected this will of God." [1]

 

I now see that with my children, I must let them too, carry their own crosses. My role is to live in communion with my Blessed Mother and with Her, to love them with God’s love and to follow His will for me, and for them. Meanwhile, God will fix their problems in a way much better than I ever could!

 

 

[1] S.C. Biela, InThe Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005),175-176.

 

Entrustment to Mary = Finding Love

Today my husband and I had a task to fulfill up in the mountains. We set our alarms for 6:30 a.m. with the goal of leaving our house at 7:00 a.m. to head off on our 2.5-hour drive. For the third day in a row, I found myself waking up before my alarm. I was dismayed to see the clock was 5:45 a.m. When my husband looked at his clock at 6:00 a.m. I let him know I was awake and asked if we should get ready. He said, “Let’s do it.” So out the door we were by 6:30 a.m., two night owls who hate getting up early.

We weren’t sure if we’d hit a lot of ski traffic or not. Our plan was to go directly to our destination as we were meeting someone. However, there was no traffic. A restroom break was calling my husband just as we were approaching the town where a priest friend lives. I knew there was a bathroom in the Church and I had to wonder, would he be offering a Mass this Saturday morning? I couldn’t remember if he usually said it at 8 or 8:30 a.m., and we were pulling into the parking lot at 7:50.  As we entered the Church we noticed the candles were lit on the altar and there was a man sitting in the front pew. I quickly asked him if there was going to be Holy Mass. He said, “Yes.” Yes!!

There was so much joy in my heart to think we could 1) surprise our friend by being in the Church when he walked out for the Mass and 2) WE WERE GOING TO RECEIVE THE EUCHARIST on a day that I anticipated we weren’t going to be able to. Taking my joy one step further, our priest friend came out and in response to seeing us in the pew said he would offer the Holy Mass for our intentions! Treat beyond treat!

During our drive before our stop, I was sharing with my husband that I believe discerning God’s will is often more of a disposition of the heart rather than the worry if I am doing the right or wrong thing. For me, God’s will is to remember that Jesus entrusted me to His Blessed Mother. In all that I do or say, I am to remember that She holds me and will hold me all the way to Heaven. When I received Jesus in the Holy Eucharist this morning, I believed that it was only thanks to this entrustment that I was in that Church at the right time. Gratitude for this gift filled my heart and I was overwhelmed with the awareness of God’s unique love for me and my husband.

What could have been a day complaining that I woke up too early, turned into a day where I found Love!

From the depth of your misery, call upon the Blessed Mother:

Mary, carry me in your arms like your own child. Please allow me to become light like a balloon carried by the wind of the Holy Spirit, docile to carrying out God’s will and free from attachments. I do not want to know where this Divine Wind comes from or to where it will carry me. I do not want to impose my own plans and visions on God. I want to be docile like you.

Once you pray in this way, Mary will lift you up into her arms and, even if you still remain heavy and resistant like a brick, she will carry you where the Holy Spirit wants to lead you. She is the one who is fully sensitive to the subtlest promptings of the Spirit. She is the one who is always obedient to Him. (S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 146.)

Entrustment to Mary = Walking By Faith, Not By Mood

I recently heard a twist on the familiar Scripture quote “for we walk by faith, not by sight.” (2 Corinthians 5:7)  It is:  “for we walk by faith, not by mood.”  Now there’s something to think about.  I don’t think of myself as a moody person – as long as things are going just the way I want them!  Yes, this is Control Freak once again, a small, helpless, self-centered child who has so very much to learn. 

Seriously, one of the things I’ve noticed about myself lately is that I can seem hospitable, generous, kind….as long as it is on my terms, in my timing.  Recently a good friend came to visit with her small children.  I welcomed them with good food, fresh sheets, a listening ear, a dip in the pool with popsicles on a lazy summer evening.  I was happy to have good conversation and time to re-connect.  That is, until I needed them to leave so I could prepare our family for a long trip.  I was so disappointed with myself at the lack of charity in my thoughts.  I started to get anxious about all the errands I needed to run, the laundry and ironing, the to-do-list items to cross off.  Seriously, my friend traveled so far to visit, and yet I was again thinking of myself, not of God’s will in this moment.  Fortunately I have learned to pray as a beggar from this spirituality. I felt so helpless to change my attitude on my own.  I begged God that my ugly thoughts would be hidden from my friend.  I begged Him that I would have charity in my heart to extend most purely to my guests.  Only God knows whether she felt my anxiety and lack of hospitality.  And only He can repair the damage that I cause with my self-centeredness.

I see once again my need for Blessed Mama to forever purify my intentions and actions to give honor and glory to our Father.  I see how very moody I am.  I see that my desire to do God’s will is so lacking, as I become aware of my personal desires to be comfortable or in control.  I see how cranky I become when things don’t go according to my plan just like a two-year-old.  I see my honest-to-goodness need for this spirituality, especially during these moments of self-awareness that aren’t so pretty.  I am again reminded of God’s love for me, as I am, as a moody child.  Thank you, God, for allowing me to see the truth about my weaknesses, and how they call upon the abyss of Your merciful love.    And please, God, I ask for the grace to walk by faith, no matter the mood, in the arms of my Mother.

Mary, carry me in your arms like your own child.  Please allow me to become light like a balloon carried by the wind of the Holy Spirit, docile to carrying out God’s will and free from attachments.  I do not want to know where this Divine Wind comes from or to where it will carry me.  I do not want to impose my own plans and visions on God.  I want to be docile like you.  (S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 146.)

Entrustment to Mary = Rescued from Temper Tantrums

The other day my two-year-old was starting to get loud and fussy during Mass.  I took him out to the vestibule of the church, only for him to discover the holy water font.  Up on tiptoe, he reached inside the bowl, and right away he knew to touch his forehead with his wet fingers.  But, he wanted to continue – over and over and over.  I tried to distract him and then it was time for communion.  He protested loudly, clinging to the holy water bowl.  I started to get a bit nervous.  I didn’t want to take a screaming child inside the church, but at the same time, the line was almost ending, and I didn’t want to miss receiving.  I snatched him up and he started to kick his feet and flail his arms.  Oh, boy!  What to do?  I knew I needed the graces, so in I went and he calmed down just a bit.  As I approached the priest, he tried to squirm away, but thankfully allowed me to quietly carry him back to the vestibule.  As soon as I set him down, he dashed off to the holy water font, reaching up and smiling grandly, pleased with himself. 

It struck me right then how pleased I am with myself when I think I know what is best for me, but how clueless I really am when I push away from God’s loving presence and His holy will.  So many times God invites me to a closeness that I reject because I allow myself to be distracted by my own worldly desires for momentary pleasures.  I was reminded of a catchy phrase my old pastor reminded his congregation of:  “The main thing is to make the main thing the main thing.”   So many times I give Jesus the leftovers.  So many times I miss out on the main thing, because I cling to having control over what I  want in the moment, rather than seeking what God’s will is for me in the moment.  For example, during the summer my kids were in the habit of bickering quite a bit, driving their mother crazy.  Last night, I was sending them off to bed, looking forward to a moment of quiet, when there was a commotion and I was quick to discipline them to stop “fighting”.  My husband shushed me and pointed out that my younger daughters were giving their older brother hugs goodnight.  I had been praying all summer that my son would give his little sisters “the time of day.” He was laughing and allowing them to hug him and actually returning the hugs, and here I was ready to nip the whole thing.  In my control-freakness, I was resisting God’s workings in my own home.  I was insisting on ‘staying near the holy water’ instead of ‘coming face to face with God in the Eucharist’.  

I am not often enough the little child who is awaiting miracles.  Often times I am very childish, insisting that I know best or that I have the strength to control things.  I beg Blessed Mother to pick me up, despite my kicking legs and flailing arms, and to take me to her Son! 

Mary, carry me in your arms like your own child.

Please allow me to become light like a balloon

carried by the wind of the Holy Spirit, docile to

carrying out God’s will and free from attachments.

I do not want to know where this Divine Wind

comes from or where it will carry me.  I do not

want to impose my own plans and visions on God.

I want to be docile like you.

           (S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ (Ft.  Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 146.)

Entrustment to Mary = The Peace that Surpasses All Understanding

Last week my daughter got married. Last week my husband and I hosted a wedding reception in our backyard that included over 200 family members and friends. Last week we heard from our family and friends how beautiful the nuptial Mass was and what a good time they had eating, drinking, and being merry during the hours following it.  Some even dared to say that it was “just perfect” – and you know what?  It was – because it wasn’t!

I won’t list all the things that didn’t go according to plan, but I will say that God’s grace sufficed for what we lacked. From the day the engagement was announced, I knew I was in over my head. I believed my only recourse was to ask our Blessed Mother to take over at the helm.[1] She gave me her eyes to see the people who were willing and eager to help. She sent us “Marys” who prayed and “Marthas” who labored. And in the final weeks and days – and hours! -  She had us securely enveloped in her mantle, experiencing a peace that surpassed all understanding. Things didn’t always go our way but we were given the grace to accept and trust and believe that God’s will was being done. This hugely affected our experience of the wedding and those who shared it with us.

A few days after the wedding, I noticed I was not experiencing the same peace.  I wanted to say that Someone was taking the mantle back.  But as I shared my experience with others who have also entrusted themselves to Blessed Mother, the reality was clear – I was the one who was kicking the mantle off, as though I didn’t need it any more. How silly is that? Entrustment to Blessed Mother[2] can be experienced EVERY day in EVERY event, big or small. Just as She pondered all things in her heart, She will guide us to see God’s will in all things. Therein lies the peace that surpasses all understanding.  (cf. Philippians 4:7)

- Contributed by one of Mary's Beloved Children, whose pen name is Farrah C. - "My 'happy fault' leads me in search of the tax collector who humbly acknowledges, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!' (cf. Luke 18:13)

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[1] For those who are accustomed to planning and organizing everything by themselves, this task of ‘giving over the helm’ may become very difficult. Of course, if God illuminates us with the light of faith, then it will become clear to us that there is no risk involved in this surrender, because – as it was before and it is now – we remain hidden in God’s arms. (S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3^rd Ed. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012], 136.)

[2] The arms of Mary, where we can find security and happiness, are in reality the arms of God Himself, who completely permeates the one whom the Church calls the Vessel of the Holy Spirit. (Ibid. 137.)