Entrustment to Mary = Encouragement for the Discouraged

The blog post written by High Hopes last week has had me thinking.  It was an extremely timely post for me personally, and I kept reflecting on the fact that I, too, was entrusted to our Blessed Mama “in advance”. 

When that post came out, I was a very discouraged soul, wondering why I couldn’t keep my misery, my weakness in check and under control.  I had allowed my discouragement to keep me from praying, from turning back to God, to reaching out to my spiritual director.  Instead, I found myself turning to sweets, TV, Facebook, and naps.  I had forgotten about what growing in holiness truly is:  growing in awareness of how much I need God. 

So, when I read that post, I was actually very much ENcouraged!  Yes, there is a reason why I was entrusted so many years ago.  I so very often trick myself into thinking how strong of a person I am and/or need to be.  No.  The truth is, I am not strong.  I am weak.  I am in need of my Redeemer.  There is no shame in recognizing this truth.  The tragedy is in rejecting my Savior’s loving mercy. 

I had been meaning to reach out to my spiritual director, but my thoughts were a jumbled mess and even I didn’t know what I was going through.  So, I avoided emailing him and avoided praying about it.  I am SO amazed at how God wouldn’t have any of that, not for long, anyway.  This past week, I got a very unexpected phone call – from my spiritual director.  It turned out that he would be in town and would be able to meet with me in person.  No phone call.  No emails.  In person.  Tomorrow.  God loves me so much He arrived via my spiritual director at my front door.  Because He loves me as I am – weak and confused.  “Remember that the Father does not stop waiting for you, not even for a moment.” ((S.C. Biela, Behold, I Stand at the Door and Knock, [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 20).

I thank God for my entrustment, because my initial reaction to the phone call was to make excuses as to why he shouldn’t come (Control Freak likes to have time in advance to clean, plan meals, figure out what to say…etc).  But, because of His grace, I said yes in the arms of my Mama, and allowed Her to make the arrangements.  Because our meeting was in person, I was able to go to Confession to a priest who knows my soul.  What a blessing!  And what a blessing my gentle penance was:  before you go to sleep, spend 3 minutes in silence to take in God’s love for you. I share this with you, because of how it relates to this very blog.  I was encouraged to just allow God to love me as I am. What joy!  I was reminded that God sees my heart, sees my efforts, sees the state of my soul over my whole lifetime, not just in a few weeks’ worth of apathy.  I was encouraged to return to My Father via the arms of my Mother and say, “I am Yours, my Jesus.”  And I thank you, God, for allowing me to see the truth about my weaknesses, and how it calls upon the abyss of Your merciful Love.

The important thing is not to become discouraged.  If you get discouraged then you will resemble a child who tries to destroy a mountain with a pick ax.  But, seeing how little progress he makes after a few attempts, he despondently looks at his father and sadly puts away the tool.  When it becomes difficult for you, try to remember that those efforts, although not very externally effective, are very pleasing to God.  Perhaps the Lord will receive them as an invitation to enter through the door upon which He knocks.  In this way, your meager efforts will allow God to enter into your life with His grace because, after all, only the power of that grace can grind to dust the massive rock formation of your pride. (S.C. Biela, Behold, I Stand at the Door and Knock, [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 42-43).

If you see your spiritual misery with faith in God’s love, then this truth will not threaten you.  If, however, you start to doubt God’s mercy, then newly discovered misery could lead you even to despair.  Doubting God’s mercy could provoke you to close the door of your heart before Him, thus directing you to commit even worse sins.  But if you try to remember that you are being carried in the arms of Mary, the Mother of Christ, you will be fully open to God’s love.  In Her arms, you may be shielded from your faults and unfaithfulness;  you may experience peacefulness and even happiness when God reveals the contents of your whitewashed tomb to you in a fuller light. (S.C. Biela, Behold, I Stand at the Door and Knock, [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 28-29).

Entrustment to Mary = Becoming A Beggar

God loves the truth. Therefore, at a certain moment in our lives, God no longer allows our illusions of being spiritually rich to exist. He wants us to see and acknowledge that we stand before Him as beggars who have nothing of our own, and who are always in need of spiritual alms, such as the gifts of prayer, faith, hope and good will. {1}

 

Recently, I made a 5 hour trip to visit my daughter on a Saturday. I planned on making it to her Church’s reconciliation time of 3-4:30PM. I figured if I left at 10AM I would have plenty of time to get there. As 10AM approached I saw I was nowhere near ready to depart –as I had not finished packing nor had I painted my toe nails yet. By the time I drove out the driveway it was 11AM. I still felt like I could make it by 4PM. As I started over the mountain pass a fierce thunder and lightning storm ensued with heavy rains making it hard to see the road. I pulled off for a few minutes but realizing the storm was not going to blow over quickly, I started out again driving a slow 30-40mph. It was quite terrorizing as the lightning was continuous for a good 20 miles. I started to pray aloud the Divine Mercy Chaplet over and over again, begging God for the mercy to keep me safe and to allow me to arrive to the Church in time for the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I pulled into the Church parking lot at 4:15PM. I thanked God and hurried into the bathroom before getting in the confessional line, where there were 2 other girls in front of me and an older woman behind me. [My daughter told me the priest would go longer if there was a line, so I figured I was set.] Well, the person who came out of the confessional at 4:27 said confessions were now over. I couldn’t believe my ears. Then the priest came out and I looked at him and said, “I just drove 5 hours to be here!” He didn’t seem to be interested and walked away. I [my pride] was crushed. I slowly walked out to my car wanting to cry. I couldn’t understand how God would not want me to receive this Sacrament, especially when He had allowed me to arrive in time.
 

The alms of spiritual misery are extremely difficult for your pride to accept because your pride does not want to acknowledge that you are a spiritual beggar. Pride wants to continuously prove something to God. Pride wants to give Him a bill and receive payment, rather than alms, in return.{2}

In reflecting on this experience I realized I indeed felt spiritually rich in making my plans to go to Confession that day. I can remember a feeling of spiritual superiority, thinking how special I was to make the Sacrament of Reconciliation my priority, assuming God would be so pleased that He of course would “pay” me by allowing my plans to materialize. Yet in reality I put my temporal needs of painting my toenails above my spiritual desire of making it to confession with time to spare. I travelled in the illusion that God owed me the right to receive this Sacrament.

It makes sense now that I did not receive the Sacrament that day. It was a humiliation that allowed me to see more of my spiritual misery.  It allowed me to see: "When you open the door of your soul to the Lord, you always stand before Him as a sinner who has nothing and who counts only on His alms."{3} It allowed me to see that I cannot dictate to God my will, and expect Him to carry it out. It helped me realize how I am an ungrateful beggar. "Such a beggar does not accept God’s alms and acts as if he were to say, ‘Come back later and bring me something else.’"{4}

With Blessed Mom, I am grateful for these truths that were revealed from God’s loving and most

merciful Light, and with Blessed Mom I thank God for showing me the truth about myself and how even in my spiritual misery He loves me as I am.

 

Footnotes all taken from: S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005)

35, 36, 35, 46