Entrustment to Mary = Being Grateful for an Infected Swimming Pool

Would you rather:

 

(a)    Vomiting and diarrhea

(b)   Fever and chills

(c)    Pink eye

(d)   Headaches, muscle pain and cough

(e)   All of the above.

 

Yep, all of my 5 children came down with some or all of the symptoms during the end of spring break, plus a double ear infection for the toddler, and they, of course, overlapped their illness and school absences to last about 12 days.   We had visited my sister’s family during Easter and they had so generously provided great food and entertainment.  Unfortunately (we later discovered), the new pool guy hadn’t quite mastered his tasks.  As we drove home earlier than planned, I came to find out that all of her children came down with similar symptoms, lasting about the same amount of time.  The only thing that kept us going as mothers-taking-care-of-sick-kids were our daily texts about who was the next one to bite the dust!  Trying to keep a little humor made a big difference, but still, taking care of sick kids plus related laundry and such took a toll on me.  I became very tired, very frustrated, very weak and helpless. 

 

I have been praying for some time now to be a gentler mother, a more present-in-the-moment mother.  God provided a fabulous opportunity.  Because I was so very helpless, I quite literally had to beg Him for the strength to get through each day.  I found myself amazed at how calm I was, at the strength to persevere.  I was pretty patient and was able to comfort my children quite nicely.  “Thank you, God, for allowing me to be the mother I always wanted to be,” I prayed to Him one evening.  Of course, the very next morning I had to see who I really was (short-tempered, impatient, easily irritated), in order to give all the glory to God for “my” gentleness and patience.  I saw once again ‘who I am’ versus WHO IS.

 

After being reminded once again that conversion is a life-long process and that without God I am nothing, my young daughter started to notice all that WE (Blessed Mama and me together) were doing.  She kept thanking me for every little thing – giving out medicine or cold washcloths, doctor visits, hot soup, bubbly soda for those with upset stomachs.  She noticed all the laundry I was doing, all the disinfecting, all the stories I read.  She thanked me for each movie she watched, and the meals I prepared.  She noticed all the homework assignments I helped with, and the little errands I ran.  She noticed every little thing!  I could only smile and give the glory to God.  As she complimented me on being such a good mom, I forwarded the thanks to Blessed Mama.  I already knew how frustrated I felt on the inside, and how exhausted I felt.  I smiled, too, because I was so grateful that Blessed Mama was carrying me, and that those around me got a glimpse of her presence.  I was amazed at the gratitude that my daughter expressed, and couldn’t help but ask myself, “How aware am I of all the little things that Blessed Mama does for me?  How grateful am I?”

 

And so, it is a special grace if you discover the maternal role of Mary in your life.

 

Why do you receive this grace?

This is a mystery of God’s election.

But remember, the grace needs a committed response.

You do not receive a talent in order to bury it in the ground.

You must make use of it – in accordance with the will of God –

for your own sanctification and for the sanctification of others.

Because of this, implore Mary that your whole life

may be permeated by the awareness

that you are ‘carried by her in her arms.’

(S.C. Biela, In the Arms of Mary, 2^nd.ed, rev. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 173).

 

And so, looking at these events in the light of faith, why not be grateful for an infected swimming pool?  God must have allowed it as He saw fit, knowing it would further push me into the arms of my Mother. Is there any other place I’d rather be? 

Entrustment to Mary = Learning to See with the Eyes of Faith

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I believe that when we die we will get our new eyes from which we see Jesus; we see Mary; we see the truth about ourselves in the Light of God’s mercy.  Meanwhile, before our death, we have the opportunity to grow in faith to such a degree we can begin to see God’s action in our lives as if we had those new eyes already. It is a road, and I believe it is my road with Blessed Mother that is helping me to see things through the eyes of faith.

Today we had the reading from the book of Job. Our pastor reminded us about the story of Job. How he was an example for us of what it means to persevere in the midst of trials. The timing of this reading was amazing to me because in my life I see nothing but crazy trials being given to my dear ones. Things I couldn’t imagine happening are now happening in the lives of those nearest and dear to me. A priest friend often reminds me not to ask “why?” when confronted with these trials, but rather to ask “what for?” Job must have wondered, “What for, LORD?” And the answer was given to us in the Scriptures – he was given the trials to be an example for us that GOD alone is GOD and GOD alone suffices.

I find myself asking, what does that look like in my life? 

For example:  I came home from a vacation a few weeks ago on the day of my child’s birthday. I wanted to celebrate with him, so my husband and I picked up cake and ice-cream on the way home from the airport. We were in good moods, ready to surprise him. When I arrived home, however, I discovered dirty counters and dishes that were there when I had left 5 days before. My spirit of joy quickly turned into a spirit of resentment. I wasn’t able to keep from verbally attacking my birthday boy when he walked into the house after us. Were my reprimands so important that I needed to spoil the birthday celebration? My husband didn’t think so! By focusing on my own feelings, I allowed that negative spirit to spill onto everyone in the house.

The next day, the counter was still a mess and I was still upset. Even though I had taken my resentments to the altar at Mass that morning, I wasn’t able to control my reactions when I saw my son again. Only this time, I allowed my assumptions to come out – I made a huge generalization and said “you did nothing while we were gone!” Oh, my, my, my…I fell right into the trap! Now, I forced my son to share how he spent an entire afternoon doing laundry from a fruit fly infestation in the bathroom hamper. He had done something – and he hadn’t wanted to complain about it – but my pressing and pressing pushed his pride into desiring rescue.

What for, Lord?

This simple trial got me to remember I am not GOD and I cannot rely on anyone other than GOD. 

Who am I? Figuratively, I am the Ebola virus, ready to destroy all spiritual good GOD gives me. But, more importantly, who is Mary? Mary is the direct action of GOD in my life. She is holding me exactly because I am full of pride, lack trust, and, if left on my own, would never learn from my past mistakes. Before my entrustment, I would have justified my resentments and my reactions, and I would have solicited the same support from my husband and friends – thereby keeping myself at a distance from God’s mercy and, in a way, diminishing the spiritual lives of my dear ones. Since entrustment, I see the whole thing differently. I see that GOD allowed this event. Unlike Job, I do not persevere in faith; I am quick to fail when presented with adversity. I am not shown this to become discouraged, though, but rather to make use of this very weakness. When I use my weakness to climb back into the arms of Blessed Mother, She can obtain from God the transformation of my spiritual misery into a happy fault. She is able to immerse me once again in the Redemption of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And when I beg for repair, She is the figurative antiviral drug, obtaining the graces to heal all my (and Her) dear ones I wound along the way.

A child of God being led by Mary is certain that God loves him in spite of the abyss of one’s evil. He believes that the abyss of God’s Love exceeds in an infinite way even the deepest abyss of human nothingness and of sin. (S.C. Biela, In The Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 162.)

Entrustment to Mary = Positive Feelings and No Feelings

When I was first drawn into the spirituality of communion of life with Christ through Mary I was given an abundance of easy and effective graces. I was easily motivated, single-minded, and didn’t understand when others weren’t as enthusiastic about spreading the spirituality as I was. Oh, those were the days! I was very serious about this business of doing all that I could to be of use. Little did I know I was subconsciously building the business of my pride!

It was hard to see my pride when I was being fed intravenously with positive feelings. It wasn’t until years later that I now see the tower of ME I was building. How did I finally get to know? It was in describing to my spiritual director my lack of feelings and the response of slothfulness it was leading to. For more than 10 years I had been faithful in small things regarding a job that I have.** However, over the last few months, I have started to push everything to the edge. I choose playing on my smart phone or a TV show over work. I've starting letting things go…not for a day, or a week, like I could justify in the past, but now a month, or even a year. Deadlines don’t have the power they once had in my life. I push the deadline. I accept the late fees. I “file” the paper on top of the pile that never goes away. Not only do I see this in my work, but also at home. When company comes, less gets cleaned. The words “I’m sorry, I forgot” are more commonly used.

After sharing with my spiritual director just how bad it was getting, he simply asked me, “Are you surprised by this inability to do a good job?” I had to answer truthfully – “YES! I am surprised it can get this bad!” Then he laughed at me, in that all-knowing, empathetic way that has been his custom when I reveal to myself who I really am. He helped me understand that it is a trap to think that “I am faithful.” I know I was given adequate warning through the materials, conferences, and retreats, but I inevitably have to live it before it hits home.

Yes, I thought I could be faithful in small things. I thought I could entrust to Blessed Mother in all things. But, my current slothfulness is helping me to see that even the desire to entrust to Mary is a grace and I cannot posses it.  What now? I am called to more contrition and gratitude, more begging, and a deeper awareness of God’s mercy. It can be so easy to believe I am loved when I am successful, but as the failure, it is only in and through faith that WE (Mary and I) believe it. This is an opportunity for me. WE can choose to see this event through the eyes of faith or I can try to whitewash it by reading more articles on organization and how to do better in life. WE (Mary and I) choose to live with “High Hopes!” WE choose to believe that this is who God has loved all along, and if He desires, He will allow MOM to animate me once again – but when it happens this time, maybe (I have to be honest – it is only a maybe) I will join Blessed Mother and be full of gratitude for that special grace and give God the glory for faithfulness in small things.

The first chapter of the book The Two Pillars by S.C. Biela is titled “Human Pedestals.” WE just reread it in amazement on how it applies to my current situation. I’d have included the whole chapter in this blog if I could, but it will just have to suffice to share this paragraph: 

Gratitude to God is born on the foundation of the truth about God’s forgiving love. It is also born on the truth about humility, which is the truth about us. Humility is the truth that tries to remove from our hearts the poisonous influences of the faith that we have in ourselves. The conviction that everything is “given” to us, that everything is a gift, can be born on the foundation of the truth about God’s unceasingly bestowing love and the truth about ourselves as people who need everything from this bestowing love. A cry of gratitude comes forth from the depth of a heart that is full of awe before the reality of God’s bestowal. (S.C. Biela, The Two Pillars, [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2006], 7.)

**Even though during these years I used the phrase WE (Mary and I) were faithful together, internally, deep within, I must have believed it was “I” – alone. It was so subtle. It is still thanks to my communion of life with Christ through Mary that WE can see this truth today. She never abandons me. She is always faithful to “small” things – such as helping me to live in truth and bringing me closer and closer to Her Son!

Why I'm Entrusted to Mary, Mother of God - Reason 3: Bad Eyesight

I come from a line with bad eyesight. I’ve needed corrective lenses since I was in grade school and all of my children have followed suit.  I just removed my glasses from my face and the computer screen, only two feet away, turned into a fuzzy blur of colors. To put it into perspective, I zoomed my page to 500% and, while I could then make out where a word starts and stops at that zoom, each letter was still blurry and individual letters were not sharp enough to know for sure which letter it was.

Needless to say, I am extremely grateful for my glasses! Without them, I would live in a world of grayness, I would have constant headaches, and I would miss most of the details of the third dimension!  

Not only do I have poor visual eyesight, but I am practically blind when it comes to my eyes of faith. This is exactly why I am completely and utterly grateful for my entrustment to Blessed Mother! Before my entrustment, I spent my days living as if God didn’t even exist.  All I could “see” was how I or my dear ones felt, and how I or my dear ones were affected by our immediate environment. I then reacted to those events as if I could control them; change them to make us all feel good again. This led to living in a gray world (full of anxiety), suffering constant headaches (following my daily bout with tears), and missing most of the details of the spiritual dimension.

I guess it was no wonder the Good Lord had to pound so heavily on the door of my heart. He pounded with events that just couldn’t be fixed with my will, nor understood with my poor mind. Because of my blindness, I “tripped” over the attempted suicide of one of my close friends, then I “pounded into the wall” of my father-in-law’s sudden death…but it wasn’t until I “fell flat on my face” with my third miscarriage that I went to the Divine Physician to admit my blindness! 

How in need I was for so long, yet trying to deal with it all by myself. I looked like I was a religious person on the outside – attending Church, reading spiritual books – but I was so unaware of God’s Presence in my every day, ordinary and extraordinary events. Thanks to Blessed Mother, my eyes are being opened to His Presence more and more each day. Now, when I stub my toe on a stool I can’t see in the middle of the night because my eye glasses are off, I immediately “reach” for my spiritual glasses and say “Oh, MOM! Be my gratitude for this humiliation!” Together, WE (Blessed Mom and I) say, “All is grace.”[1]

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[1] “If we look at the world through the eyes of faith, we will notice that our Creator is present in everything, and that this is the presence of Love – our only authentic reliance.” S.C. Biela, GodAlone Suffices, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2011), 115.