Entrustment To Mary = Simply Loving vs. Fixing

I was privileged to have my daughter and her newborn baby come spend a week at our home. Our goal was to have the preemie gain back the weight she had lost since birth, and to rid her of the lingering jaundice. Being a mom I was determined to fix these problems, with the goal of having my granddaughter thrive during her visit. God had other plans...

 

That particular week I was covering for my coworker, so I was out of the house from 7AM to 5:30PM. Although I gave clear instructions to daughter and grandpa to make sure the baby sunbathed in front of a window for good amounts of time to help clear the jaundice, it seemed to take a few days for this direction to be carried out.

 

The nursing had turned into a scientific equation = milliliters + ounces + pumping + syringes. Too many doctors were involved with each one offering their expert advice on how our little one could gain weight. It was quite overwhelming for the new mom, the old mom, not to mention the baby.  Her first weigh-in had her down an ounce. The next weigh-in had her up two ounces. But the in-between was filled with anxiety, stress, and a few conflicts.

 

As I watched my daughter struggle with her new vocation of motherhood, I so wanted to relieve her of her stresses and make all things right. I wanted to fix her problems so she could once again be happy and content. But as the week progressed and I failed at achieving these objectives, I realized I just needed to love her.

 

It was hard to give over my desire to control the situation. What helped me was reflecting on how the Blessed Mother accompanied her Son on the way to Calvary but did not take the Cross from him. I had to beg Blessed Mom to help me remain quietly in Her arms and to allow Her to love and guide my daughter, and for Her to take care of the baby.

 

"Jesus carried the Cross before the presence of His mother. She did not try to carry it with Him physically - she knew that the will of God was otherwise. Did she not want to help Him at that moment? Did she not love Him then? She knew that the best way of helping Christ was in fulfilling the will of God. And God wanted the Mother of His Son to help Him in a way that was spiritual and not physical. She fully respected this will of God." [1]

 

I now see that with my children, I must let them too, carry their own crosses. My role is to live in communion with my Blessed Mother and with Her, to love them with God’s love and to follow His will for me, and for them. Meanwhile, God will fix their problems in a way much better than I ever could!

 

 

[1] S.C. Biela, InThe Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005),175-176.

 

Entrustment to Mary = Being Grateful for an Infected Swimming Pool

Would you rather:

 

(a)    Vomiting and diarrhea

(b)   Fever and chills

(c)    Pink eye

(d)   Headaches, muscle pain and cough

(e)   All of the above.

 

Yep, all of my 5 children came down with some or all of the symptoms during the end of spring break, plus a double ear infection for the toddler, and they, of course, overlapped their illness and school absences to last about 12 days.   We had visited my sister’s family during Easter and they had so generously provided great food and entertainment.  Unfortunately (we later discovered), the new pool guy hadn’t quite mastered his tasks.  As we drove home earlier than planned, I came to find out that all of her children came down with similar symptoms, lasting about the same amount of time.  The only thing that kept us going as mothers-taking-care-of-sick-kids were our daily texts about who was the next one to bite the dust!  Trying to keep a little humor made a big difference, but still, taking care of sick kids plus related laundry and such took a toll on me.  I became very tired, very frustrated, very weak and helpless. 

 

I have been praying for some time now to be a gentler mother, a more present-in-the-moment mother.  God provided a fabulous opportunity.  Because I was so very helpless, I quite literally had to beg Him for the strength to get through each day.  I found myself amazed at how calm I was, at the strength to persevere.  I was pretty patient and was able to comfort my children quite nicely.  “Thank you, God, for allowing me to be the mother I always wanted to be,” I prayed to Him one evening.  Of course, the very next morning I had to see who I really was (short-tempered, impatient, easily irritated), in order to give all the glory to God for “my” gentleness and patience.  I saw once again ‘who I am’ versus WHO IS.

 

After being reminded once again that conversion is a life-long process and that without God I am nothing, my young daughter started to notice all that WE (Blessed Mama and me together) were doing.  She kept thanking me for every little thing – giving out medicine or cold washcloths, doctor visits, hot soup, bubbly soda for those with upset stomachs.  She noticed all the laundry I was doing, all the disinfecting, all the stories I read.  She thanked me for each movie she watched, and the meals I prepared.  She noticed all the homework assignments I helped with, and the little errands I ran.  She noticed every little thing!  I could only smile and give the glory to God.  As she complimented me on being such a good mom, I forwarded the thanks to Blessed Mama.  I already knew how frustrated I felt on the inside, and how exhausted I felt.  I smiled, too, because I was so grateful that Blessed Mama was carrying me, and that those around me got a glimpse of her presence.  I was amazed at the gratitude that my daughter expressed, and couldn’t help but ask myself, “How aware am I of all the little things that Blessed Mama does for me?  How grateful am I?”

 

And so, it is a special grace if you discover the maternal role of Mary in your life.

 

Why do you receive this grace?

This is a mystery of God’s election.

But remember, the grace needs a committed response.

You do not receive a talent in order to bury it in the ground.

You must make use of it – in accordance with the will of God –

for your own sanctification and for the sanctification of others.

Because of this, implore Mary that your whole life

may be permeated by the awareness

that you are ‘carried by her in her arms.’

(S.C. Biela, In the Arms of Mary, 2^nd.ed, rev. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 173).

 

And so, looking at these events in the light of faith, why not be grateful for an infected swimming pool?  God must have allowed it as He saw fit, knowing it would further push me into the arms of my Mother. Is there any other place I’d rather be? 

Entrustment to Mary = Celebrating a Birthday on Good Friday

When I was growing up as a child in our family home, birthdays were a BIG DEAL. I received lots of attention, with birthday signs and balloons, and my parents allowed me to select the menu for breakfast and dinner, as well as dessert.  Many relatives would send cards and it was one of two times a year my parents would spoil us with gifts.  I felt special.  I felt loved.  I looked forward to the date of my birthday as soon as Christmas was over!  But just as soon as it was over, I had to wait an entire year for that special day again.

A few years ago, my birthday fell on Good Friday.  My inner child was disappointed.  “So much for a birthday”, I thought, “fasting with definitely no cake.”  I knew in my head that I could celebrate a few days later, but to me it wasn’t the same because it wasn’t the actual date of my birth.  I realized I had become so attached to a day on the calendar.  However, as that particular day wore on, and certainly over the years since, I came to realize (1) I am pretty self-absorbed and lacking in faith, (2) God had provided more graces on that day than I could have ever imagined, and (3) I am special and so very loved, all the time, not just on my birthday.  That year, my birthday landed on the day of the most significant outpouring of Love of all time.

I am amazed at how God has opened my eyes to the sacrifice and significance of Good Friday over the years.  Previously, as a child and young person, I would dread all the solemnness of that particular day of the Triduum.  The day seemed to drag on and on, and I wanted to rush through it, avoid the focus on suffering, and get through the “boring” services at church.  I wanted to jump ahead to the joy (and chocolate) of Easter Sunday.  But now I have learned so much more about Good Friday.  During each celebration of Mass, we proclaim the death of our Lord (1 Cor 11: 26).  Why?  Because by His cross we were redeemed.  Good Friday is the reconciling of us back to the Father through His Son.  Good Friday is good news for all of us:  God’s infinite mercy is made visible through the crucifixion.  A great, mysterious Love.  Over these last few years in particular, in the arms of our Blessed Mama, I have been graced with an awareness of my misery.  Yes, graced, because in seeing who I am, standing in truth about my weaknesses and sinfulness, I also see the magnitude of God’s love.  I see more deeply the gift of Christ’s sacrifice, who died because He loves me and wants so much for me.   I am more grateful.  I am more in awe.  As I grow in deeper understanding of who I am versus WHO IS (Jn 8:58) , I am more able to recognize my need for a Redeemer as well as how very real is His desire for me to find my home in His heart.   I see that I am BOTH a miserable sinner AND His most beloved child.

Looking at Christ nailed on the Cross,

you will comprehend more easily

how great an abyss of evil your sins really are.

Christ’s suffering most fully reflects this abyss.

Standing at the foot of the Cross and adoring the One

                Who took upon Himself all your sins,

you will come to know all the more fully these two abysses –

the abyss of your sin

and the abyss of God’s love toward you….

Because prayer at the foot of the Cross

deepens

the vision of one’s sinfulness

as well as faith in the love of God.

Your evil was conquered and erased by virtue of the

                redemptive sacrifice of Christ.

Through the power of the One whose love for you has no limits,

                you were redeemed.

In adoring the Cross, you will realize this ever more fully.

(S.C. Biela, In the Arms of Mary, 2^nd ed, rev. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 13, 14).

Through the power of the One whose love for me has no limits, I was redeemed.  It was a Happy Birthday, indeed.

Entrustment to Mary = Learning to See with the Eyes of Faith

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I believe that when we die we will get our new eyes from which we see Jesus; we see Mary; we see the truth about ourselves in the Light of God’s mercy.  Meanwhile, before our death, we have the opportunity to grow in faith to such a degree we can begin to see God’s action in our lives as if we had those new eyes already. It is a road, and I believe it is my road with Blessed Mother that is helping me to see things through the eyes of faith.

Today we had the reading from the book of Job. Our pastor reminded us about the story of Job. How he was an example for us of what it means to persevere in the midst of trials. The timing of this reading was amazing to me because in my life I see nothing but crazy trials being given to my dear ones. Things I couldn’t imagine happening are now happening in the lives of those nearest and dear to me. A priest friend often reminds me not to ask “why?” when confronted with these trials, but rather to ask “what for?” Job must have wondered, “What for, LORD?” And the answer was given to us in the Scriptures – he was given the trials to be an example for us that GOD alone is GOD and GOD alone suffices.

I find myself asking, what does that look like in my life? 

For example:  I came home from a vacation a few weeks ago on the day of my child’s birthday. I wanted to celebrate with him, so my husband and I picked up cake and ice-cream on the way home from the airport. We were in good moods, ready to surprise him. When I arrived home, however, I discovered dirty counters and dishes that were there when I had left 5 days before. My spirit of joy quickly turned into a spirit of resentment. I wasn’t able to keep from verbally attacking my birthday boy when he walked into the house after us. Were my reprimands so important that I needed to spoil the birthday celebration? My husband didn’t think so! By focusing on my own feelings, I allowed that negative spirit to spill onto everyone in the house.

The next day, the counter was still a mess and I was still upset. Even though I had taken my resentments to the altar at Mass that morning, I wasn’t able to control my reactions when I saw my son again. Only this time, I allowed my assumptions to come out – I made a huge generalization and said “you did nothing while we were gone!” Oh, my, my, my…I fell right into the trap! Now, I forced my son to share how he spent an entire afternoon doing laundry from a fruit fly infestation in the bathroom hamper. He had done something – and he hadn’t wanted to complain about it – but my pressing and pressing pushed his pride into desiring rescue.

What for, Lord?

This simple trial got me to remember I am not GOD and I cannot rely on anyone other than GOD. 

Who am I? Figuratively, I am the Ebola virus, ready to destroy all spiritual good GOD gives me. But, more importantly, who is Mary? Mary is the direct action of GOD in my life. She is holding me exactly because I am full of pride, lack trust, and, if left on my own, would never learn from my past mistakes. Before my entrustment, I would have justified my resentments and my reactions, and I would have solicited the same support from my husband and friends – thereby keeping myself at a distance from God’s mercy and, in a way, diminishing the spiritual lives of my dear ones. Since entrustment, I see the whole thing differently. I see that GOD allowed this event. Unlike Job, I do not persevere in faith; I am quick to fail when presented with adversity. I am not shown this to become discouraged, though, but rather to make use of this very weakness. When I use my weakness to climb back into the arms of Blessed Mother, She can obtain from God the transformation of my spiritual misery into a happy fault. She is able to immerse me once again in the Redemption of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. And when I beg for repair, She is the figurative antiviral drug, obtaining the graces to heal all my (and Her) dear ones I wound along the way.

A child of God being led by Mary is certain that God loves him in spite of the abyss of one’s evil. He believes that the abyss of God’s Love exceeds in an infinite way even the deepest abyss of human nothingness and of sin. (S.C. Biela, In The Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 162.)

Entrustment to Mary = Learning How to Pray All Over Again

When my kids were little and I was balancing a newborn, toddler, and preschooler, people would comment to me how easy parenting was at these young ages.  Sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, I would inwardly completely disagree and look forward to the days when my children were more independent. 

Now, though, I see the truth in those comments.  Instead of worrying about whether everyone had been fed, bathed, and interacted with, I worry whether my older children are embracing their faith, being good friends to their peers, and making good choices that will affect their future.  I noticed that as a parent, I, too, was protected and carried.  Being so exhausted all of the time, I prayed constantly, sought out the Sacraments, celebrated little joys and didn’t pay much attention to distractions like social media and shopping, for which I had neither time nor money to address.  Sleep deprivation and social loneliness were my spiritual benefactors:  they pushed me straight into the arms of our Mother, who carried me to Our Father. 

Now, I struggle with making time for prayer.  I get a decent night’s sleep, but I am restless in my spiritual life.  I am so distracted in my prayer life, or avoid it all together, and am tempted to rely on myself instead of our Lord.  I become easily discouraged by my sinfulness, especially in the areas of mothering, and am frustrated that I am not making “progress” in my spiritual life as noticed by still confessing the same sins over and over.  I am lukewarm and recently felt the need for something to polarize me:  to make me choose between hot or cold.  To drive me into the loving arms and a continuous conversation with our Savior.

In the midst of birthday party preparations for my young daughter, I received a phone call from my mother.  Thinking she was calling to wish her granddaughter a Happy Birthday, I was quick to pass off the phone.  My mother cried out that she had called to talk to me, and went on to share the news of my father’s chest pains and imminent cardiac procedure.  Whoa.  Here it is, I thought.  Here’s God calling out to me for deeper union.  Although concerned, I didn’t feel fear, which is my usual response.  I asked her to keep me updated, and went about the birthday celebration a bit detached, and yet still in the moment.  No longer was I worried about a perfectly clean house before our guests arrived, or whether we had any party games to keep our guests entertained.  I interacted with everyone, but felt connected in prayer with our Lord. 

A few hours later, my mother called again, to tell me that it looked like God didn’t have plans for my father to come home.  What????!  She sounded so calm, and so grateful that I was immediately confused.  My heart sank, thinking he didn’t make it through the procedure, but then she explained that “home” actually meant “Home”, meaning eternal life.  God did preserve his life here on earth.   And so I, too, felt immense gratitude, to be able to enjoy my father’s presence here for a while longer.  But I was struck with the realization that I was not ready to handle funeral arrangements and grief, for change and loss.  I am not strong enough nor faith-filled enough to handle a life-changing, polarizing event. 

So where do I go from here?  

Admit That You Are Incapable.

When standing in the truth, you ought to admit that you reduce the time devoted to prayer because you do not know how to pray, and furthermore, at times you do not even want to pray.  Usually, it is difficult for you to dedicate even a fragment of your time to God.

In spite of what you have discovered, try to talk

                                sincerely with Jesus:

 

                Lord, You see that I do not know how to pray.

                You know, Lord, that I do not have the attitude of the tax

                collector –

                contrite and trusting in Your Mercy.

                I realize that every moment my thoughts are far from You.

                Nevertheless, I believe that You will not reject me.

                I believe that in Your presence

                my seemingly useless efforts have value.

(S. C. Biela, In the Arms of Mary, 2^nd. Ed, rev. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 18-19).

 

For now, I am recognizing my need for prayer and yet my unwillingness to cooperate.  I am asking our Blessed Mother to teach me how to pray.  To begin simply as suggested above.  To not doubt God’s working within my soul in new ways and new seasons.  To await His miracles as I grow in acknowledging the depth of my misery and allowing Him to love through me and in me.  I suppose that’s “progress” after all.

 

Entrustment To Mary = Starting The New Year By Celebrating Our Blessed Mother

God has enlightened me this year into recognizing how special it is that our Catholic Church starts the New Year off celebrating the feast day of the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God … Mother of us all. It is a great reminder that she is our Mother and she indeed wants to take care of us!

 

For my family 2014 was a rollercoaster of emotions. To recap the past 6 months: we had my husband’s mother pass away, a granddaughter born, a daughter enter the convent, another daughter get married, pregnant, and served divorce papers all within 3 months -  and now is having a high risk pregnancy that could lead to a preterm delivery; my other daughter’s family received notice they have to move across the U.S. for her husband’s next work project; I strained my wrist in October and it still hasn’t healed;  and my husband officially retired at the end of the year.

 

The only way I am surviving this multitude of graces is through my entrustment to Blessed Mom, allowing her to carry me through my sadness, anger, and despair.

 

I have shared how my daughter entered the Dominican Sisters, Mary, Mother of the Eucharist Order. This chosen vocation is a beautiful grace, yet, I still grieve the loss of having her close-by and being able to talk to her whenever I want. Feeling the loss especially on Christmas Eve, I was pleasantly surprised on Christmas morning to see her on the cover photo for the Order’s Facebook page. It was a most special present, for which I thank Blessed Mom. I believe she understood my motherly sorrow and interceded for that consoling grace.

 

I have felt anger with the events surrounding my daughter’s marriage dissolution. I have been unjustly accused and demonized by her husband. Once again I have had to flee to my Blessed Mom’s arms for she is also understanding in these matters. We have received graces showing us the need for compassion for this young man who in our eyes is emotionally wounded. These graces have helped diffuse my anger and resentment toward his actions.

 

With the risk of my daughter having a preterm delivery I have had a feeling of despair. As a mother, I am overwhelmed with what she has had to face during the past few months, and this additional trial seems almost too much to endure. But again I think of how God does not give us anything we cannot handle, as long as we bear the burden with Him. So, I climb into my Blessed Mother’s arms and entrust the trial to her, and with her WE can ask God for His merciful rescue.

 

Blessed Mother is really a SUPER MOM, always ready to carry us to her Son, so we may be loved, rescued, and consoled. Celebrating her on January 1^st is a great way to remind myself how only through my entrustment to her will I be able to face the graces that lay ahead in this New Year!

 

“The heavenly Mother is continually ‘at the disposal’ of each of her children; she is disposed to help every time they call upon her." S.C. Biela, InThe Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005),168.

 

 

“That Mary ‘carries us in her arms’ is an objective truth that does not depend on your faith. The words of Christ’s testament pronounced on the Cross are, in fact, an objective truth on the maternity of Mary in relation to all men. Her maternity does not depend on our recognition of it nor in our belief in her. Independently, whether or not you believe it, whether or not you remember it, you are ‘in the arms of Mary’." ibid, 171.

 

 



Entrustment to Mary = Falling, If It Leads to God’s Mercy

Last week the Little One was suffering a virus which kept her up at night. In the afternoons she would fall into a deep sleep from which it was difficult to wake her up. The first afternoon I tried, I was confronted with angry resistance and a monotonous cry that just wouldn’t stop. I tried my best to be loving (grace obtained by Blessed Mother, I'm sure), but I am not the most patient and I seldom think outside the box. My husband got home from work and, thanks to his entrustment to Mary, and good sense of humor, it wasn’t long before he was carrying the Little One down the stairs smiling, and ready for dinner.

Flash forward to day two of the deep naps. I decided to use the same “tricks” that worked for my hubby. Well, it must be in the delivery, because I met with the same resistance, anger, kicking, and annoyance as day one. I thought I would trump all tricks this time and made a delicious smoothie to coax my tired girl into a better mood. No luck. My feelings were hurt! Why was I being treated so poorly? I hadn’t done anything wrong…what was UP?!

I retreated, leaving the smoothie at the bedside and called my husband in a fit of panic. My “plans” were being foiled. Pacing outside I shared my dilemma: “I’m just not mature enough to handle her bad attitude!” He told me to relax, that he was almost home. To ease my burden (I had an important work conference call that same evening) he was going to pick up the Little One and go out to eat with her leaving me free to get my call done.

I returned to the bedroom to find the Little One drinking the smoothie, but when her eyes caught mine she returned to her grumpy disposition. So, sitting down a good distance from her I simply said: “Dad’s almost home. He will take you out to dinner so I can do my work. You need to get ready to leave with him.” She got up and started toward the door, but instead of leaving, she turned and looked at me, stretched out her arms for a hug, and said in a gentle voice “I’m sorry.”

Wow. All my animosity and panic left instantly and I hugged her so tight! “I forgive you,” was my response.

Later that night it occurred to me. The whole UGLY episode was totally worth it since it led to the Little One experiencing contrition, and it led to my understanding God’s way of loving a little better. No longer was it about what I deserved or how she behaved, but it was about the beautiful spirituality of events that led us both to discover in a deeper way contrition and gratitude. I was now thankful for something that had brought me a lot of grief. Once again the Little One is Blessed Mother’s instrument to show me just how wonderful God’s love is. My lessons are gentle, in the privacy of my home and not in the public’s eye. How blessed I feel to be so small that the tiniest problems can lead me to the deepest truths!

When you sin

or you are saddened,

you do not trust God

and you are not grateful,

you are making yourself similar to the lost sheep.

What does the Good Shepherd do then?

In response to your infidelity

He searches for you,

and immediately when you show contrition,

He takes you in His arms,

showing you this gesture, that He pardoned you already.

He wants you to know

that He loves you constantly,

even

m o r e

than before your fall.

That is when He loves you more than ever.

(S.C. Biela, In The Arms of Mary, 2nd. ed, rev. [Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 83.)