The other day my two-year-old was starting to get loud and fussy during Mass. I took him out to the vestibule of the church, only for him to discover the holy water font. Up on tiptoe, he reached inside the bowl, and right away he knew to touch his forehead with his wet fingers. But, he wanted to continue – over and over and over. I tried to distract him and then it was time for communion. He protested loudly, clinging to the holy water bowl. I started to get a bit nervous. I didn’t want to take a screaming child inside the church, but at the same time, the line was almost ending, and I didn’t want to miss receiving. I snatched him up and he started to kick his feet and flail his arms. Oh, boy! What to do? I knew I needed the graces, so in I went and he calmed down just a bit. As I approached the priest, he tried to squirm away, but thankfully allowed me to quietly carry him back to the vestibule. As soon as I set him down, he dashed off to the holy water font, reaching up and smiling grandly, pleased with himself.
It struck me right then how pleased I am with myself when I think I know what is best for me, but how clueless I really am when I push away from God’s loving presence and His holy will. So many times God invites me to a closeness that I reject because I allow myself to be distracted by my own worldly desires for momentary pleasures. I was reminded of a catchy phrase my old pastor reminded his congregation of: “The main thing is to make the main thing the main thing.” So many times I give Jesus the leftovers. So many times I miss out on the main thing, because I cling to having control over what I want in the moment, rather than seeking what God’s will is for me in the moment. For example, during the summer my kids were in the habit of bickering quite a bit, driving their mother crazy. Last night, I was sending them off to bed, looking forward to a moment of quiet, when there was a commotion and I was quick to discipline them to stop “fighting”. My husband shushed me and pointed out that my younger daughters were giving their older brother hugs goodnight. I had been praying all summer that my son would give his little sisters “the time of day.” He was laughing and allowing them to hug him and actually returning the hugs, and here I was ready to nip the whole thing. In my control-freakness, I was resisting God’s workings in my own home. I was insisting on ‘staying near the holy water’ instead of ‘coming face to face with God in the Eucharist’.
I am not often enough the little child who is awaiting miracles. Often times I am very childish, insisting that I know best or that I have the strength to control things. I beg Blessed Mother to pick me up, despite my kicking legs and flailing arms, and to take me to her Son!
Mary, carry me in your arms like your own child.
Please allow me to become light like a balloon
carried by the wind of the Holy Spirit, docile to
carrying out God’s will and free from attachments.
I do not want to know where this Divine Wind
comes from or where it will carry me. I do not
want to impose my own plans and visions on God.
I want to be docile like you.
(S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 146.)
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