The blog
post written by High Hopes last week has had me thinking. It was an extremely timely post for me
personally, and I kept reflecting on the fact that I, too, was entrusted to our
Blessed Mama “in advance”.
When that post came out, I was a very discouraged soul,
wondering why I couldn’t keep my misery, my weakness in check and under
control. I had allowed my
discouragement to keep me from praying, from turning back to God, to reaching
out to my spiritual director. Instead,
I found myself turning to sweets, TV, Facebook, and naps. I had forgotten about what growing in
holiness truly is: growing in awareness
of how much I need God.
So, when I read that post, I was actually very much
ENcouraged! Yes, there is a reason why
I was entrusted so many years ago. I so
very often trick myself into thinking how strong of a person I am and/or need
to be. No. The truth is, I am not strong.
I am weak. I am in need of my
Redeemer. There is no shame in
recognizing this truth. The tragedy is
in rejecting my Savior’s loving mercy.
I had been meaning to reach out to my spiritual director,
but my thoughts were a jumbled mess and even I didn’t know what I was going
through. So, I avoided emailing him and
avoided praying about it. I am SO
amazed at how God wouldn’t have any of that, not for long, anyway. This past week, I got a very unexpected
phone call – from my spiritual director.
It turned out that he would be in town and would be able to meet with me
in person. No phone call. No emails.
In person. Tomorrow. God loves me so much He arrived via my
spiritual director at my front door.
Because He loves me as I am – weak and confused. “Remember that the Father does not stop
waiting for you, not even for a moment.” ((S.C. Biela, Behold,
I Stand at the Door and Knock, [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 20).
I thank God for my entrustment, because my initial reaction
to the phone call was to make excuses as to why he shouldn’t come (Control
Freak likes to have time in advance to clean, plan meals, figure out what to
say…etc). But, because of His grace, I
said yes in the arms of my Mama, and allowed Her to make the arrangements. Because our meeting was in person, I was
able to go to Confession to a priest who knows my soul. What a blessing! And what a blessing my gentle penance was: before you go to sleep, spend 3 minutes in
silence to take in God’s love for you. I share this with you, because of how it
relates to this very blog. I was
encouraged to just allow God to love me as I am. What joy! I was reminded that God sees my heart, sees
my efforts, sees the state of my soul over my whole lifetime, not just in a few
weeks’ worth of apathy. I was encouraged
to return to My Father via the arms of my Mother and say, “I am Yours, my Jesus.” And I thank you, God, for allowing me to see
the truth about my weaknesses, and how it calls upon the abyss of Your merciful
Love.
The important thing
is not to become discouraged. If you
get discouraged then you will resemble a child who tries to destroy a mountain
with a pick ax. But, seeing how little
progress he makes after a few attempts, he despondently looks at his father and
sadly puts away the tool. When it becomes
difficult for you, try to remember that those efforts, although not very
externally effective, are very pleasing to God. Perhaps the Lord will receive them as an
invitation to enter through the door upon which He knocks. In this way, your meager efforts will allow
God to enter into your life with His grace because, after all, only the power
of that grace can grind to dust the massive rock formation of your pride. (S.C. Biela, Behold,
I Stand at the Door and Knock, [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 42-43).
If you see your
spiritual misery with faith in God’s love, then this truth will not threaten
you. If, however, you start to doubt
God’s mercy, then newly discovered misery could lead you even to despair. Doubting God’s mercy could provoke you to
close the door of your heart before Him, thus directing you to commit even
worse sins. But if you try to remember
that you are being carried in the arms of Mary, the Mother of Christ, you will
be fully open to God’s love. In Her
arms, you may be shielded from your faults and unfaithfulness; you may experience peacefulness and even
happiness when God reveals the contents of your whitewashed tomb to you in a
fuller light. (S.C.
Biela, Behold,
I Stand at the Door and Knock, [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005], 28-29).