Entrustment to Mary = Learning How to Pray All Over Again

When my kids were little and I was balancing a newborn, toddler, and preschooler, people would comment to me how easy parenting was at these young ages.  Sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, I would inwardly completely disagree and look forward to the days when my children were more independent. 

Now, though, I see the truth in those comments.  Instead of worrying about whether everyone had been fed, bathed, and interacted with, I worry whether my older children are embracing their faith, being good friends to their peers, and making good choices that will affect their future.  I noticed that as a parent, I, too, was protected and carried.  Being so exhausted all of the time, I prayed constantly, sought out the Sacraments, celebrated little joys and didn’t pay much attention to distractions like social media and shopping, for which I had neither time nor money to address.  Sleep deprivation and social loneliness were my spiritual benefactors:  they pushed me straight into the arms of our Mother, who carried me to Our Father. 

Now, I struggle with making time for prayer.  I get a decent night’s sleep, but I am restless in my spiritual life.  I am so distracted in my prayer life, or avoid it all together, and am tempted to rely on myself instead of our Lord.  I become easily discouraged by my sinfulness, especially in the areas of mothering, and am frustrated that I am not making “progress” in my spiritual life as noticed by still confessing the same sins over and over.  I am lukewarm and recently felt the need for something to polarize me:  to make me choose between hot or cold.  To drive me into the loving arms and a continuous conversation with our Savior.

In the midst of birthday party preparations for my young daughter, I received a phone call from my mother.  Thinking she was calling to wish her granddaughter a Happy Birthday, I was quick to pass off the phone.  My mother cried out that she had called to talk to me, and went on to share the news of my father’s chest pains and imminent cardiac procedure.  Whoa.  Here it is, I thought.  Here’s God calling out to me for deeper union.  Although concerned, I didn’t feel fear, which is my usual response.  I asked her to keep me updated, and went about the birthday celebration a bit detached, and yet still in the moment.  No longer was I worried about a perfectly clean house before our guests arrived, or whether we had any party games to keep our guests entertained.  I interacted with everyone, but felt connected in prayer with our Lord. 

A few hours later, my mother called again, to tell me that it looked like God didn’t have plans for my father to come home.  What????!  She sounded so calm, and so grateful that I was immediately confused.  My heart sank, thinking he didn’t make it through the procedure, but then she explained that “home” actually meant “Home”, meaning eternal life.  God did preserve his life here on earth.   And so I, too, felt immense gratitude, to be able to enjoy my father’s presence here for a while longer.  But I was struck with the realization that I was not ready to handle funeral arrangements and grief, for change and loss.  I am not strong enough nor faith-filled enough to handle a life-changing, polarizing event. 

So where do I go from here?  

Admit That You Are Incapable.

When standing in the truth, you ought to admit that you reduce the time devoted to prayer because you do not know how to pray, and furthermore, at times you do not even want to pray.  Usually, it is difficult for you to dedicate even a fragment of your time to God.

In spite of what you have discovered, try to talk

                                sincerely with Jesus:

 

                Lord, You see that I do not know how to pray.

                You know, Lord, that I do not have the attitude of the tax

                collector –

                contrite and trusting in Your Mercy.

                I realize that every moment my thoughts are far from You.

                Nevertheless, I believe that You will not reject me.

                I believe that in Your presence

                my seemingly useless efforts have value.

(S. C. Biela, In the Arms of Mary, 2^nd. Ed, rev. [Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 18-19).

 

For now, I am recognizing my need for prayer and yet my unwillingness to cooperate.  I am asking our Blessed Mother to teach me how to pray.  To begin simply as suggested above.  To not doubt God’s working within my soul in new ways and new seasons.  To await His miracles as I grow in acknowledging the depth of my misery and allowing Him to love through me and in me.  I suppose that’s “progress” after all.

 

Entrustment to Mary = Celebrating the Role of the Sheep

After auditions for the annual local production of The Nutcracker, my young daughter was anxiously awaiting the posting of the cast list.  She hoped to acquire the role of one of the party girls, or perhaps be cast in the Chinese Tea dance. As she heard that not all dancers would even get a role, she eventually just hoped to get any part.  Finally, a week or so went by and the list was posted at the dance studio.  I drove her over and she ran inside and came back after a few minutes.  She looked a bit down, and I was trying to prepare a little encouraging speech in my head, preparing for the worst. 

“I’m a sheep,” she announced, disappointed. She went on to say that it felt like a babyish part and felt, once again, like people treated her as much younger than her eleven years.  I decided to overlook her negativity and congratulated her on getting a spot in the production!  After all, she did get what she wanted, a chance to participate and enjoy all the related festivities.  As we drove home, I asked her what she remembered from last year about the part of the sheep.  As she described the role, I remembered being enchanted as an audience member by those dear sheep.  I recalled that there were only 4 sheep total, compared to the 15 or so dancers on stage for the party scene and the Chinese Tea.  I also remembered that the song went on for quite some time, 2 and half minutes compared to a minute or so for the Chinese dance, and the role required actual ballet technique, compared to other parts where the dancers just walked prettily or jumped around. “Wait a second,”  I said.  “Do you mean to tell me that you are disappointed over a role where the casting director trusts you to actually dance, for quite awhile, with only 4 others (Bo Peep and the 3 other sheep) on stage at the same time?”  She started to smile a little smile, and her excitement over her role grew and grew….

It reminds me of S.C. Biela’s description of the helpless sheep in his book, In the Arms of Mary.  At first thought, this sheep without a shepherd doesn’t seem to be something to be desired.  But, spiritually speaking, Jesus is moved by these helpless sheep: 

Those who recognize their own weakness and helplessness

and trustfully await everything from God

are likened to, in the Gospel, the “sheep without a shepherd.”

the relationship of Jesus to such persons is very special –

since going out of His way in meeting their expectations,

the Good Shepherd is disposed to make for them

an additional effort,

and even to perform miracles.

(S.C. Biela, In the Arms of Mary, 2^nd ed., rev.[Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 59)

St. Mark’s Gospel (Mk 6: 30-34) describes Jesus wanting to get away and pray, but the people were coming in great numbers, hurrying after Him, and his heart was moved with pity for them, for they were like sheep without a shepherd. He taught them and eventually, because of their trust and thirst for Him, even performed the miracle of the loaves and fishes for them. 

I have been struggling with my spiritual attitude lately….neglecting my prayer life, relying on myself to accomplish the tasks of the day, getting my responsibilities done, but not always with love and charity, so therefore rendering them worthless.  As I reflect on my daughter’s initial response to being a sheep, and how it transformed to one of great joy, I find a renewed desire to be ok with being the helpless sheep.  In fact, I am learning that in trying to be the strong sheep, I do not call out for Christ or attract His attention at all.  I am encouraged by the direction I find here:

Try to begin the day with the prayer of the helpless sheep:

kneel before the Lord and in the presence of the Crucified

Jesus, or before another of His images, pray with the prayer

of empty hands or with a focused gaze directed at the

Cross.  Remain in the presence of Jesus with the attitude of

the helpless sheep.  This prayer should accompany you

throughout your whole day….

…You are the last one, dragging yourself – your prayer is so poor, you are accompanying Jesus in such a terrible manner.  It does not matter!

It is critical that you put your hope totally in Him,

                        when in response to your attitude, God fills you with His presence, then,…

                        …you await everything from Him…

                        …You can also discover more fully the truth that God really loves the

                        sinner in a special way,

                        and the truth about the lost sheep whom the Shepherd carries on His shoulders.

(S.C. Biela, In the Arms of Mary, 2^nd ed., rev.[Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2005], 78)

Surely I will view the Nutcracker performance this year in a whole new light, especially watching Bo Peep and the little sheep in Act II!

Entrustment to Mary = Following Pope Francis' Lead

Lately I have been more than a bit overwhelmed.  It is a busy time of year for me, with taxes due and continuing education to complete.  I have visitors to arrive in a few weeks, and the kids’ activities have me driving here, there and every which way.  Homework, projects, religion classes, baseball season, constant laundry, ailing relatives who need attention and care, not to mention a toddler who loves to climb but has no balance!  I have found myself frustrated at my children, who seem to be bickering constantly.  However, when I stop and reflect, I have only myself to blame.  I have heard so many times that the mother in the household has a lot to do with the overall mood of the home.  The more tense and loud the house becomes, the more I want to flee!  But I often yell instead, perpetuating the problems. Yikes! 

For Lent I had desired a renewed prayer life, one of daily meditation specifically. I was hoping for 30 minutes daily, but would be pleasantly surprised with 15-20.  Right now, I am lucky if I make 5-10 minutes.  I know that prayer is my only rescue, and yet I find myself resisting to just stopping. Just stop and pray. I am frantically trying to catch up, and feel if I stop, I just might not get back up. Or I always push it for later when things are settled down in my household (but by then I am just praying myself to sleep!). 

Yesterday, I watched the election and announcement of our new Holy Father.  It seemed I was waiting forever for him to come out and make his appearance.  But I was deeply moved by the reason for the delay.  I read that our new Pope Francis had stopped in the Pauline chapel to pray alone before greeting the people.  That single fact was most significant to me.  This man was humble enough to realize the weight of the vocation that lay before him.  At that moment, I had such HOPE for our Church and Catholic faith.  I was so excited to see our leader, our Father, turn to the Head of our Church for guidance.  He was allowing himself to be an instrument of God’s wisdom and grace right from the start!   Today it hit me that there must be a mile-long list of tasks, activities, responsibilities he will now face.  How will he ever be able to do anything? My own list seems pale in comparison.  And so I was reminded today to follow Pope Francis’ lead:  prayer!  I recall one of my favorite sections in “The Gift of Faith” by Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer:

If you look at yourself in the light of faith, you will understand that the more suppressed you are with activities, the more time you should dedicate to prayer.  Otherwise you will be empty; you will have the impression that you are giving something, but this will only be an illusion.  You cannot give what you do not have. …  In the light of faith, the most important activity in our day is prayer…Contact with God determines the value and importance of our work….One thing is certain:  if we do not pray, no one will need us.  The world does not need empty souls and hearts.

Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012), 225-226, 227

Blessed Mama, I beg you to share with me your desire for prayer.  I pray for our new Pope Francis – may he continue to turn to prayer and humbly lead the Church in the ways of your Son, Who was the ultimate example in retreating in prayer and solitude while here on earth.  Thank you, God, for loving me so, so much and for Your continuous invitation to unite myself to You in prayer.