Entrustment to Mary = Becoming Aware of Not Only Being Loved, But Also Longed For

The other day, a friend posted on Facebook a quote from Mother Teresa: 

Do you really know the living Jesus – not from books but from being with Him in your heart? Have you heard the loving words He speaks to you?…The devil may try to use the hurts of life, and sometimes our own mistakes – to make you feel it is impossible that Jesus really loves you, is really cleaving to you.  This is a danger for all of us.  And so sad, because it is completely the opposite of what Jesus is really wanting, waiting to tell you.  Not only that He loves you, but even more – He longs for you. 

This quote really resonated with me because I think often times, when it comes to Christ, I “know” Him in my head, and not so much “know” Him with my heart.  I keep Him at a distance.  As Pope Francis warned us recently, there is a danger of “becoming a disciple of ideology”.  “In ideology there is no Jesus:  his tenderness, love, meekness.  And ideologies are always rigid,” the Pope said.  “In every sense: rigid.  And when a Christian becomes a disciple of ideology, they have lost the faith;  they are no more a disciple of Jesus, they are a disciple of this attitude of thought, of this…”…”Why does a Christian become that way? …It is simply one thing:  that Christian does not pray.  And if there is no prayer, you will always close the door.”[1]

I have been blessed with a spiritual director for the last 11 years.  And he continues to advise the same thing all these years:  prayer.  Meditate for 20-30 minutes a day.  Well, for the last 11 years, I have struggled with just stopping and praying.  Always making excuses.  Always waiting until the end of the day, when I am too tired and too tempted to just turn on the TV and turn off my racing mind.  I shared with my spiritual director about how touched I was with Mother Teresa’s quote.  He advised me to respect that desire for a deeper relationship with the “real” Jesus, revealed to me by the Holy Spirit.  To sit down and see what changes I could make in my daily schedule.  To allow myself to be led to a greater aliveness in the Word/Gospels.  To avoid neglecting my friendship with Christ (through prayer, the Word, meditation), otherwise this will lead to a domino effect of increased anxiety.  I am reminded in The Gift of Faith by Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer that “the Holy Scriptures are also inspired text and a source of revelation;  therefore, our relationship with the revealed text should primarily be a personal one.  In fact, the Bible is not a “thing” but, above all, it is “Somebody.” ….When reading the Holy Scriptures, you encounter the living and true Christ through the gift of faith, which He Himself gives to you.” (Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3^rd ed. (Ft. Collins, CO:  IAMF, 2012), 214).

I often wonder how different my life would be had I been obedient to his advice of daily meditation all these years.  Where would my faith be today?  I know that my laziness in my prayer life is connected to my struggles today, and I also know that I should not remain sad in this.  As Mother Teresa reminds me, He longs for me. 

I think what sparks my increased desire to know and fall in love with the “real” Jesus is because of my desire and hope for what my children’s relationship with Christ could be.  I want them to fall in love with Him.  I want them to pray, not to recite prayers.  I want them to be aware of His presence with them, all day long.  I want them to trust Him and His will for their lives.  I know that I cannot control them or force Him upon them, so the only thing I can do is fall in love with Him myself.  Perhaps with Blessed Mama’s help, they will experience God’s love through me and know that they are longed for, too. 

After all, just as I am motivated to see my children give their hearts over to Christ, our Blessed Mama is even more motivated to bring me (and all her beloved children) to her Son.  Thank you, God, for loving us so, so much.

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[1] Esteves, Junno Arocho.  “Pope Francis:  ‘Becoming A Disciple of Ideology Closes the Door to Faith’”, Vatican City, http://www.zenit.org/en/articles/pope-francis-becoming-a-disciple-of-ideology-closes-the-door-to-faith (October 17, 2013).

Entrustment to Mary = Graces Attached To Obedience

Two weeks ago when Holy Father Francis asked us to fast for peace in Syria and the world, it threw me into a tailspin. I have already disclosed my detestation of fasting in previous blog posts [1].Although, the Holy Father did not mention how to do the fast, a priest friend suggested bread and water. Once again I rebelled in my mind remembering how it used to be when I did that type of fasting over 15 years ago. [cf. Blog Fasting During Lent] My mind started reeling with ideas of how I could survive this fasting day rather than looking at it as an opportunity to offer up my hunger for the perilous condition of the world.

 

I am seeing that the more I refrain from fasting the worse I dislike and fear it. I have gone from bread & water - to no sweets - to choosing what type of ice-cream I like least as my method of fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays.

 

Once I stood in the truth, I discovered my fear and unrest came from not wanting to be obedient to the Magisterium and thus closing myself off from the graces that come from that obedience. Instead of embracing the Holy Father’s proclamation and my priest friend’s suggestion, I quickly tried to change the recommendations. I contemplated doing bread and water for breakfast and lunch, then eating a regular meatless dinner, so sort of making it a combination with the Good Friday type of fast, which I felt would be easier. I turned the whole event around to being about “me” not about the suffering humanity. I saw how consumed I am with my routine, my comforts, my love for food, and how adverse I am to going without and being told what to do. I saw just how high of a pedestal I was climbing.

 

I also realized I had closed myself off from the graces that come with my entrustment to the Blessed Mother for I thought I had to fast relying on my own will power and strength. My fear came from my past struggles/failures when I tried fasting on my own.

 

Finally, once I succumbed to the Holy Father’s request, and entrusted my fasting to the Blessed Mother there was peace. Yes, I was hungry and weak, but also calm and content. This experience truly showed me how much grace is attached to obedience. Little did I know that the Holy Father’s announcement of fasting would lead me to fasting from my good impression about myself by seeing who I truly am when closed to God’s graces.  Yet this spirituality has taught me to be joyful when being purified and humbled as it helps me turn back my focus onto my merciful Lord. And in reality this was such a gentle experience allowed by a God who loves me so completely.

 

“On your path to God, do not be surprised that you discover your own misery and nothingness more clearly. You should receive these revelations with joy. For, if you were perfect, then you would not need God. Only the person who experiences his own misery can turn his heart away from himself toward the Lord, who is knocking.”

S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 42.

 

[1] Previous Bog Posts - Entrustment to Mary = Fasting During Lent

                                        Entrustment to Mary = Facing My Sugar Addiction.

     

Entrustment To Mary = Desiring To Fight My Addiction (To Facebook)

I've been dealing with the desire to give up Facebook. I say "dealing" because as much as I'd like to, it seems like it would be the hardest thing ever and I'm actually a little afraid to do so. Even though I gave it up for lent, and thoroughly enjoyed not being on all the time. And the first two weeks after moving we had no Internet at our apartment or even data on our phones - meaning I was only on Facebook when I went to a coffee shop; it was great! I tried to come up with certain days or times that I would allow myself on, but that was more of an idea rather than a plan of action. I have no self-discipline and just can't stay off of it. I don't like wanting to get on when my son is awake and watching me. I don't like comparing myself to others on FB or getting annoyed with what people post. I don't like rushing back from a walk or outing so that I can check what’s new on FB. I'm actually addicted to it! Now don't get me wrong I do appreciate a way to stay in touch with people but right now I feel that the negativity it brings into my life outweighs the positive. I've been praying for the grace to give it up but didn't feel like I was getting anywhere, if anything the nagging feeling had started to go away, until this past week.

I recently found out that my uncle is fasting from chocolate, and offering it up for our president's conversion. I was so impressed with his self-sacrifice and thought I should do something of that sort too. But I have to admit that self-sacrifice isn’t easy for me. I don’t like saying no to myself or feeling uncomfortable. I mean if it was easy for me I’d already be done with Facebook!

Then Pope Francis asked for a day of prayer and fasting last Saturday for peace in Syria and around the world. My first reaction was “Ugh, I don’t want to fast on Saturday!” But I was reminded that God loves me as I am - whether I fast all day, or part of the day or not at all. I was also reminded that I can’t do it on my own. I’ve been so wrapped up in thinking that I have to do it and forgetting that the Blessed Mother is there to help me. Saturday came, I asked for the Blessed Mother’s help and the day of fasting wasn’t so bad. The reason I couldn’t give up FB before is because I was trying to do it all by myself. Even though I was praying for the grace, I wasn’t really asking for help but just expecting instantaneous results.

Now with the Blessed Mother, WE are fasting from Facebook, and remembering God always loves me even if I fall back to my addiction or begin a new one.

"God loves you precisely as you are: as someone attached to your idols, as someone who lives as if He does not exist, and as someone who turns even that which you do because of His will against Him. He never stops loving you even though you continuously reject Him and wound Him by turning your heart away from Him and by seeking reliance in your own riches."

S.C. Biela, Open Wide theDoor to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 101.

Entrustment to Mary = Following Pope Francis' Lead

Lately I have been more than a bit overwhelmed.  It is a busy time of year for me, with taxes due and continuing education to complete.  I have visitors to arrive in a few weeks, and the kids’ activities have me driving here, there and every which way.  Homework, projects, religion classes, baseball season, constant laundry, ailing relatives who need attention and care, not to mention a toddler who loves to climb but has no balance!  I have found myself frustrated at my children, who seem to be bickering constantly.  However, when I stop and reflect, I have only myself to blame.  I have heard so many times that the mother in the household has a lot to do with the overall mood of the home.  The more tense and loud the house becomes, the more I want to flee!  But I often yell instead, perpetuating the problems. Yikes! 

For Lent I had desired a renewed prayer life, one of daily meditation specifically. I was hoping for 30 minutes daily, but would be pleasantly surprised with 15-20.  Right now, I am lucky if I make 5-10 minutes.  I know that prayer is my only rescue, and yet I find myself resisting to just stopping. Just stop and pray. I am frantically trying to catch up, and feel if I stop, I just might not get back up. Or I always push it for later when things are settled down in my household (but by then I am just praying myself to sleep!). 

Yesterday, I watched the election and announcement of our new Holy Father.  It seemed I was waiting forever for him to come out and make his appearance.  But I was deeply moved by the reason for the delay.  I read that our new Pope Francis had stopped in the Pauline chapel to pray alone before greeting the people.  That single fact was most significant to me.  This man was humble enough to realize the weight of the vocation that lay before him.  At that moment, I had such HOPE for our Church and Catholic faith.  I was so excited to see our leader, our Father, turn to the Head of our Church for guidance.  He was allowing himself to be an instrument of God’s wisdom and grace right from the start!   Today it hit me that there must be a mile-long list of tasks, activities, responsibilities he will now face.  How will he ever be able to do anything? My own list seems pale in comparison.  And so I was reminded today to follow Pope Francis’ lead:  prayer!  I recall one of my favorite sections in “The Gift of Faith” by Fr. Tadeusz Dajczer:

If you look at yourself in the light of faith, you will understand that the more suppressed you are with activities, the more time you should dedicate to prayer.  Otherwise you will be empty; you will have the impression that you are giving something, but this will only be an illusion.  You cannot give what you do not have. …  In the light of faith, the most important activity in our day is prayer…Contact with God determines the value and importance of our work….One thing is certain:  if we do not pray, no one will need us.  The world does not need empty souls and hearts.

Tadeusz Dajczer, The Gift of Faith, 3rd. ed. (Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012), 225-226, 227

Blessed Mama, I beg you to share with me your desire for prayer.  I pray for our new Pope Francis – may he continue to turn to prayer and humbly lead the Church in the ways of your Son, Who was the ultimate example in retreating in prayer and solitude while here on earth.  Thank you, God, for loving me so, so much and for Your continuous invitation to unite myself to You in prayer.