This past week I experienced a somewhat “near-death” experience of my two year old. I thought our house was well baby-proofed, and the stairs were properly gated. On my daughter’s first day of preschool, we ran upstairs to quickly fix her hair in pigtails, only to discover that my little monkey found his way upstairs via the 2-inch outer ledge of the railing. There he was, grinning as he held on to the vertical posts on the OUTSIDE of the banister. It was one of those slow-motion moments, my heart pounding in fear, hoping he would hang on in time for me to quickly snatch him up before he let go, falling from the second story.
If he senses he’s done something mischievous, he usually bolts in the opposite direction. So, I falsely praised his acrobatics, and approached him without rushing. It seemed to take forever to walk those four or five steps toward him! I was shaking like a leaf while my daughter and I hugged him and praised God, thanking Him and my son’s guardian angel for the gift of their protection.
But when all was said and done, what was God trying to tell me?
Lately I have been made aware of many parents’ struggles and trials with the deaths or illnesses of their children. Why did God spare my child? I had recently been wondering why my life has been so “easy” and feared that “my turn” was coming. And yet – for now – God has been so very gentle with me.
I am reminded of a quote from God Alone Suffices by S.C. Biela:
Seeing our inability to accept various difficulties, our Lord lowers the intensity of our purification process. This should be a very visible sign for us that we are still opposing the working of grace in our lives. The reason for this is our lack of trust. The person who lacks trust closes the gates of his own heart and does not want to rely on God in everything.
(S.C. Biela, God Alone Suffices, 3rd Ed. [Ft. Collins, CO: IAMF, 2012], 108.)
I see that my faith is so very lacking. This scare is a most precious reminder that I am in need of trusting that God alone is indeed enough. I sense a need to be grateful for, and yet unattached to, His gifts. I am reminded that God is merciful and is drawing me to Himself. It is a slow process. At times, I am so very afraid. This Control Freak is in dire need of her Mama. If I sense that I am doing something mischievous/sinful, I want to bolt in the opposite direction of God, just like my two-year-old son. I am too weak to trust. I am too self-absorbed. So I praise God for this spirituality. I would be so very lost without it. With Our Mother, I trust that I will be rescued. How beautiful that she will approach me slowly and gently, allowing me to handle this spirituality step by step. Only with Her will I truly trust that God loves me as I am.
LISTEN AND PUT IT IN YOUR HEART,
MY CHILD, SMALLEST OF ALL, THAT
IT IS NOTHING THAT FRIGHTENED
OR AFFLICTED YOU. LET NOT WORRY
PERTURB YOUR FACE, YOUR HEART…
AM I NOT HERE, I WHO AM YOUR
MOTHER? ARE YOU NOT BENEATH
MY SHADOW AND PROTECTION?
AM I NOT THE SOURCE OF YOUR
HAPPINESS? ARE YOU NOT IN THE
HOLLOW OF MY MANTLE, IN THE
CROSSING OF MY ARMS?
DO YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE?
(words of Our Lady of Guadalupe to St. Juan Diego)[1]
[1] Nican Mopohua [Aqui se narra] escrito en Nahuatl por Don Antonio Valeriano-Traduccion del Nahuatl al Espanol, trans. Fr. Mario Rojas Sanchez (Mexico: Los Libros Hacen/Edamex, 1990), trans. Ramon Pedrosa, “nican Mopohua.” http://www.emc.com.ph.monpedp/nicantext.html
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