Two weeks ago when Holy Father Francis asked us
to fast for peace in Syria and the world, it threw me into a tailspin. I have
already disclosed my detestation of fasting in previous blog posts [1].Although, the
Holy Father did not mention how to do the fast, a priest friend suggested bread
and water. Once again I rebelled in my mind remembering how it used to be when
I did that type of fasting over 15 years ago. [cf. Blog Fasting During Lent] My mind started reeling with ideas of how I
could survive this fasting
day rather than looking at it as an opportunity to offer up my hunger for the
perilous condition of the world.
I am seeing that the more I refrain from fasting
the worse I dislike and fear it. I have gone from bread & water - to no
sweets - to choosing what type of ice-cream I like least as my method of
fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays.
Once I stood in the truth, I discovered my fear
and unrest came from not wanting to be obedient to the Magisterium and thus
closing myself off from the graces that come from that obedience. Instead of
embracing the Holy Father’s proclamation and my priest friend’s suggestion, I
quickly tried to change the recommendations. I contemplated doing bread and
water for breakfast and lunch, then eating a regular meatless dinner, so sort
of making it a combination with the Good Friday type of fast, which I felt
would be easier. I turned the whole event around to being about “me” not about the
suffering humanity. I saw how consumed I am with my routine, my comforts, my
love for food, and how adverse I am to going without and being told what to do.
I saw just how high of a pedestal I was climbing.
I also realized I had closed myself off from the
graces that come with my entrustment to the Blessed Mother for I thought I had
to fast relying on my own will power and strength. My fear came from my past
struggles/failures when I tried fasting on my own.
Finally, once I succumbed to the Holy Father’s request,
and entrusted my fasting to the Blessed Mother there was peace. Yes, I was hungry
and weak, but also calm and content. This experience truly showed me how much
grace is attached to obedience. Little did I know that the Holy Father’s announcement
of fasting would lead me to fasting from my good impression about
myself by seeing who I truly am when closed to God’s graces. Yet this spirituality has taught me to be
joyful when being purified and humbled as it helps me turn back my focus onto
my merciful Lord. And in reality this was such a gentle experience allowed by a God who
loves me so completely.
“On
your path to God, do not be surprised that you discover your own misery and
nothingness more clearly. You should receive these revelations with joy. For,
if you were perfect, then you would not need God. Only the person who
experiences his own misery can turn his heart away from himself toward the
Lord, who is knocking.”
S.C. Biela, Open Wide the Door to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 42.
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