Entrustment To Mary = Desiring To Fight My Addiction (To Facebook)

I've been dealing with the desire to give up Facebook. I say "dealing" because as much as I'd like to, it seems like it would be the hardest thing ever and I'm actually a little afraid to do so. Even though I gave it up for lent, and thoroughly enjoyed not being on all the time. And the first two weeks after moving we had no Internet at our apartment or even data on our phones - meaning I was only on Facebook when I went to a coffee shop; it was great! I tried to come up with certain days or times that I would allow myself on, but that was more of an idea rather than a plan of action. I have no self-discipline and just can't stay off of it. I don't like wanting to get on when my son is awake and watching me. I don't like comparing myself to others on FB or getting annoyed with what people post. I don't like rushing back from a walk or outing so that I can check what’s new on FB. I'm actually addicted to it! Now don't get me wrong I do appreciate a way to stay in touch with people but right now I feel that the negativity it brings into my life outweighs the positive. I've been praying for the grace to give it up but didn't feel like I was getting anywhere, if anything the nagging feeling had started to go away, until this past week.

I recently found out that my uncle is fasting from chocolate, and offering it up for our president's conversion. I was so impressed with his self-sacrifice and thought I should do something of that sort too. But I have to admit that self-sacrifice isn’t easy for me. I don’t like saying no to myself or feeling uncomfortable. I mean if it was easy for me I’d already be done with Facebook!

Then Pope Francis asked for a day of prayer and fasting last Saturday for peace in Syria and around the world. My first reaction was “Ugh, I don’t want to fast on Saturday!” But I was reminded that God loves me as I am - whether I fast all day, or part of the day or not at all. I was also reminded that I can’t do it on my own. I’ve been so wrapped up in thinking that I have to do it and forgetting that the Blessed Mother is there to help me. Saturday came, I asked for the Blessed Mother’s help and the day of fasting wasn’t so bad. The reason I couldn’t give up FB before is because I was trying to do it all by myself. Even though I was praying for the grace, I wasn’t really asking for help but just expecting instantaneous results.

Now with the Blessed Mother, WE are fasting from Facebook, and remembering God always loves me even if I fall back to my addiction or begin a new one.

"God loves you precisely as you are: as someone attached to your idols, as someone who lives as if He does not exist, and as someone who turns even that which you do because of His will against Him. He never stops loving you even though you continuously reject Him and wound Him by turning your heart away from Him and by seeking reliance in your own riches."

S.C. Biela, Open Wide theDoor to Christ, (Ft.Collins, CO: IAMF, 2005), 101.

Entrustment to Mary = Perseverance while Awaiting “New” Eyes

“Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 18:3-4).

This week a friend of mine experienced the death of her 28 year old niece. I was leaving to go to the funeral when the Little One asked me where I was headed. I told her who died, and how this person was given her new eyes! The eyes that get to see Mary and Jesus. Immediately I heard her repeating my description to her sister with great joy. The Little One and I often talk about how special it’s going to be when we get those “new eyes”!

Obviously, when I’m talking to the Little One I’m referring to literally seeing Jesus and Mary. But today I was realizing that I could start to see Jesus and Mary with the eyes I have, if I just let MOM (Blessed Mother) share with me Her eyes of faith and hope and love.  For example, am I seeking Jesus in my neighbor? My children? My spouse? More often I forget this and instead I am annoyed with my neighbor, children or spouse. I see them as obstacles to my will being accomplished. Oh, how blind I am! But, when looking with Mary, WE see they are actually the instruments in God’s hands to help me fulfill HIS will. 

Over the last few weeks I've had the crazy experience to, on the one hand, be gifted with tremendous hope and joy when describing things to the Little One and to others in my life, while on the other hand, be so self-absorbed.  I am addicted to Facebook, Ruzzle (a game app), and a TV show on Netflix. These “little” distractions take up a good part of my day by being in my thoughts (awaiting the next chance to watch), in my actions (not hearing anyone around me as I play the 2 minute game or while I look at FB), and in what I fail to do (deciding one more round of Ruzzle instead of starting dinner on time, or one more show instead of going to bed on time).   

St. John of the Cross, in Maxims and Counsels writes, “The entire world is not worthy of a man’s thought, for this belongs to God alone; any thought, therefore, not centered on God is stolen from Him.” I am a thief!  But, what a grace that WE can see this truth! Blessed Mother has been using this reality to put a desire in my heart for the Holy Eucharist, to beg to be washed clean by the Blood of Christ. 

I was sharing this recently with my spiritual father and once more, to a deeper level, I was brought to the awareness of how absolutely wonderful it is to desire communion with Christ through Blessed Mother.  I was reminded that our persistent desire to be united with Christ will eventually overcome even our sinfulness. Like St. Augustine, my heart is restless, and that restlessness has me searching…and the short cut to my search is the Arms of Mary whose desire for my good is so much greater than my own desire. This is why I am hopeful in the midst of my addictions. My perseverance stems from Mary constantly reminding me that one day I will have “new eyes” and I will have to face my Savior. She wants me to trust in His Mercy today, with what I can see, so that when I die, and am shown all that I missed along the way, I will automatically call out to His Mercy and live with Him for eternity! I am Mary's little, beloved daughter, who desires to one day enter the kingdom of heaven.